I don't even know where to begin. Mostly because I am in a phase right now where I could not even begin to tell you what is going on in my brain. I've wanted to come and write a few times, but it was just impossible to put into words what I was thinking. Even now - I'm just kind of blank.
I've had a couple of emotional breakdowns in some odd places the last couple of weeks :(
I had a doctor's appt on the 13th (which was the 2 month anniversary). After the nurse who shouldn't be allowed to communicate with people made me feel "something" (again, not sure of the right word) and then I had to answer questions about BC history I just kind of melted down - in front of my doctor. I actually think it was a good thing because she was able to see "where I am". We are gonna try some medicine to help me through the next few months. So far it has really upset my stomach, I'm hoping that won't last long. I don't think it could have made a difference this fast, but Danny thinks I seem "better" for lack of a better word.
My 2nd breakdown was when I picked up the RX this week. The pharmacist asked if I had taken this before and I told her no. She immediately got this look of pity and said, "you'll feel better in a couple days" - and I immediately burst into tears. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it I guess. I guess we'll just see how it goes.
I've really not been looking forward to this weekend. Maybe starting the medicine when I did will be helpful especially now.
I got to thinking this morning that my mom is getting to celebrate the ultimate Christmas and that made me happy for a little bit :) I'm trying to hard to concentrate on the good things in my life - it's just really hard sometimes.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
A year ago...
...it was a year ago that we found out my mom's cancer had returned.
The night before we had been encouraging her to go the doctor because she had been coughing for a couple months and we thought she had pneumonia. She called me that Monday morning and told me she was having an Xray. I waited all afternoon to hear back from her and she never called.
I was driving to an ornament party and just knew something wasn't right because she hadn't called. So I called her and she still wouldn't talk about the xray. Finally I had to ask her and that's when she told me that the cancer had come back in her lungs. It was like a stab in the heart. I even remember where I was - I was on Blanding between Wells Rd. and 295. It's like a picture got snapped at that moment.
It was a few days later they told us there was nothing they could do and that she may have a month. I rememer just not being able to grasp that concept. Thankfully though they did try some radiation and it helped a lot for a while. So instead of a month, we got 10 months :):)
I do still struggle with "why" but like we learned last weekend in Pensacola, the best answer is "Perhaps...". There could be any number of reasons and I don't need to know why. Yes, I do still want to know, but I don't need to know. I'm trying really hard to just trust God in all of it. I seemed to not have much of a problem before she died, but now it's a whole lot harder.
We were watching a Veggie Tales the other day and the closing scripture was Hebrews 10:36 - "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Yeah, I don't think I heard one word from that whole episode until the very end. It was so for me.
The night before we had been encouraging her to go the doctor because she had been coughing for a couple months and we thought she had pneumonia. She called me that Monday morning and told me she was having an Xray. I waited all afternoon to hear back from her and she never called.
I was driving to an ornament party and just knew something wasn't right because she hadn't called. So I called her and she still wouldn't talk about the xray. Finally I had to ask her and that's when she told me that the cancer had come back in her lungs. It was like a stab in the heart. I even remember where I was - I was on Blanding between Wells Rd. and 295. It's like a picture got snapped at that moment.
It was a few days later they told us there was nothing they could do and that she may have a month. I rememer just not being able to grasp that concept. Thankfully though they did try some radiation and it helped a lot for a while. So instead of a month, we got 10 months :):)
I do still struggle with "why" but like we learned last weekend in Pensacola, the best answer is "Perhaps...". There could be any number of reasons and I don't need to know why. Yes, I do still want to know, but I don't need to know. I'm trying really hard to just trust God in all of it. I seemed to not have much of a problem before she died, but now it's a whole lot harder.
We were watching a Veggie Tales the other day and the closing scripture was Hebrews 10:36 - "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."
Yeah, I don't think I heard one word from that whole episode until the very end. It was so for me.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Progress...
Not sure if "progress" is the right term or not. I guess it is...I'm seeing progress in this process. Normally "progress" has a more positive conotation to it though and I'm not sure I feel positve right now.
Up until a couple weeks ago it was like I coudn't force myself to cry. Now however, I basically cry off and on all day. Isn't it just like a woman to ask for something to happen and then complain when it does? :) Actually, I'm not complaining about it. In fact I'm very glad that the emotions have finally surfaced. I guess I had just packed so many in there that they finally started seeping out. Sometimes it's a trickle, sometimes it's a geyser.
As Christmas gets closer I get more and more sad. I talked to my dad last night and we both agreed that we didn't want to be at his house. It would just be so "in your face" that someone was missing. Just thinking about being there without her makes me cry. I was there Monday night and it's just so off. :(
It's not just Christmas though that makes me sad. I'm just plain sad. And the word "sad" really comes nowhere close to how I feel. There is just an emptiness. My heart is broken. I know that God comforts and binds up the broken hearted and I do take comfort in that, but it's hard to see right now how my heart could ever be fully mended. My mom and best friend in the entire world is just gone. Even though it's getting more real, it's still seems so bizarre to say.
She had done some recordings for us on her own. I started listening to them the other day. I laughed so hard because these recordings were just so "her"...and then I cried so hard because I wasn't going to experience "her" again in this life. Maybe it was too early to listen to them, I don't know. I haven't since and right now I don't have a desire to again anytime soon. Baby steps I guess.
Danny told me that when I put the kids to bed at night it's like a switch goes off with me and I turn into a different person. I hadn't really thought about it until he said it, but it makes sense. During the day it's pretty easy to be distracted with tending to 2 little ones. But once they are in bed it's just like, "Bam!"...your mom is dead and now you have all the time in the world to dwell on it. I feel badly because I don't talk to Danny much about it. I don't really talk to anyone actually. I will at some point. Writing here is the best outlet I have right now. I just have such a hard time talking about feelings like this. I want to so badly...I try to make myself. I actually fight with myself, but the words just don't come out.
Satan has been attacking with the whole guilt thing. I should have done more of this, less of that. I should have said this more...that kind of thing. I keep reliving the last few days over and over again. I'm assuming all that is normal. Not sure if it's healthy though?
I guess yeah, it is progress. That whole "5 Stages" thing. I guess maybe I thought that since it was happening gradually it wouldn't be so hard after, but boy was I wrong!!! I am so glad though that we had that time together. I wouldn't have traded it for anything.
Up until a couple weeks ago it was like I coudn't force myself to cry. Now however, I basically cry off and on all day. Isn't it just like a woman to ask for something to happen and then complain when it does? :) Actually, I'm not complaining about it. In fact I'm very glad that the emotions have finally surfaced. I guess I had just packed so many in there that they finally started seeping out. Sometimes it's a trickle, sometimes it's a geyser.
As Christmas gets closer I get more and more sad. I talked to my dad last night and we both agreed that we didn't want to be at his house. It would just be so "in your face" that someone was missing. Just thinking about being there without her makes me cry. I was there Monday night and it's just so off. :(
It's not just Christmas though that makes me sad. I'm just plain sad. And the word "sad" really comes nowhere close to how I feel. There is just an emptiness. My heart is broken. I know that God comforts and binds up the broken hearted and I do take comfort in that, but it's hard to see right now how my heart could ever be fully mended. My mom and best friend in the entire world is just gone. Even though it's getting more real, it's still seems so bizarre to say.
She had done some recordings for us on her own. I started listening to them the other day. I laughed so hard because these recordings were just so "her"...and then I cried so hard because I wasn't going to experience "her" again in this life. Maybe it was too early to listen to them, I don't know. I haven't since and right now I don't have a desire to again anytime soon. Baby steps I guess.
Danny told me that when I put the kids to bed at night it's like a switch goes off with me and I turn into a different person. I hadn't really thought about it until he said it, but it makes sense. During the day it's pretty easy to be distracted with tending to 2 little ones. But once they are in bed it's just like, "Bam!"...your mom is dead and now you have all the time in the world to dwell on it. I feel badly because I don't talk to Danny much about it. I don't really talk to anyone actually. I will at some point. Writing here is the best outlet I have right now. I just have such a hard time talking about feelings like this. I want to so badly...I try to make myself. I actually fight with myself, but the words just don't come out.
Satan has been attacking with the whole guilt thing. I should have done more of this, less of that. I should have said this more...that kind of thing. I keep reliving the last few days over and over again. I'm assuming all that is normal. Not sure if it's healthy though?
I guess yeah, it is progress. That whole "5 Stages" thing. I guess maybe I thought that since it was happening gradually it wouldn't be so hard after, but boy was I wrong!!! I am so glad though that we had that time together. I wouldn't have traded it for anything.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
"Yet for love's sake" Part 2
Well, today was a pretty darn good day.
We got to the conference in PLENTY of time…we were able to get front row(of our section) seats and they were better than last night. I got a chance to visit with a sweet friend I very rarely get to see too.
The praise team began with more Christmas music. It was so fantastic. That man (Travis Cottrell) can just flat out sing. Actually when Beth Moore got up to speak she said something like, “people wonder if that ever gets old to us and trust me, it never does.”
Even during the Christmas music, God was just speaking all over me!! I love “Joy to the World” and particularly the last verse:
He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.
Well today while singing it, it kinda said something I’d never “heard” before. That He MAKES the nations prove His glory and the wonder of His love. I guess for this season of life it was encouraging to hear.
Then he sang “O Holy Night”. This was my mom’s favorite Christmas song. As he was singing it I was trying really hard to use my imagination to imagine that night. And I really felt for a while like I was able to see and feel how that night happened. I’m sure it didn’t happen exactly like I was imagining, but it was neat to just stop for a few minutes and really put myself there.
He sang another song I’d never heard before and it was after that one that Beth made the above comment. Worship this weekend was just PHENOMENAL!!! There are seriously no words to describe it!
Now on to the teaching!! Within the first 5 minutes I was crying because she was talking about moms and actually asked people who had lost their moms to raise their hands. She told a story that was an encouragement because now I know that in 40 years I am going to miss her just as much as I do today.
I’ll be honest…after last night’s session I was kind of wondering what it was that God had for me. I was trying to figure it out and not coming up with anything. Well today I definitely got spoken to!! Probably the thing I liked the most was from Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,” The point being that we won’t know this side of Heaven what the reason is for whatever God has chosen or allowed for us, but that “perhaps” it could be any number of things. That is just very freeing. A few of the other snippets were:
We can live with pain better than we can live with purposelessness.
That which makes us the most joyful isn’t always what makes us the most useful.
You will never be more like Christ than when you grace someone who does not deserve it
I’ve never studied Philemon before and I really found it fascinating. I learned a lot that I had never known. Even some very interesting facts that help clear up some confusion in some recent Sunday School lessons. I just love learning how alive God’s Word truly is.
One of the greatest moments of the day was when I got to pray with a dear friend. This girl has such a big heart and it’s so broken. I pray for total healing and restoration for her all the time. She gave me the most wonderful gift though, she told me that she could hear my mom talking as I was talking. I couldn’t help but smile. My mom was such an encourager and it’s such a compliment to be compared to her in any way. I hope my friend knows how much that meant to me.
Beth Moore told a very personal story and got very emotional. In all the studies we’ve done, I’ve never seen her cry to the point where she couldn’t talk or need tissues. I just love her transparency.
The closing worship was just as good as all the rest and I truly did not want it to end. We didn’t even know what to say to each other on the way to the car. I really do wish these conferences were longer.
We had a blast the rest of the day…just being silly and crazy. We walked on the beach, took tons of pictures, went to the boardwalk, laughed ridiculously hard all night, went to eat, locked Mandi and Mandy out of the car and made them dance so we would open the door (even though they were expecting it and were much too compliant), we went to the pool/hot tub and laughed even more. Then we watched a movie. The sissies are in bed, but Ashley and I are sitting on the balcony right now listening to the ocean and sipping our hot chocolate. I’m writing and she’s reading. I’m soooooo relaxed!!
This weekend has been just perfect. I really can’t remember the last time I have laughed so hard and so much in such a short amount of time. This trip was perfect timing too. I think we all (for our own respective reasons) just needed some rest and relaxation. But we also needed some time to get to know our Father more. It’s just been great that it’s all been rolled into one weekend!
Friday, December 2, 2011
"Yet for love's sake" Part 1
I’ve got a lot to say so I gotta start writing so I don’t forget it all!
The Beth Moore “Living Proof” event started tonight. I’ve been praying for a couple days that we would all get specific messages from God. We had a great drive to Pensacola, a little excitement in getting locked out of our condoJ and made some good memories.
We got to the civic center and got some really great seats.
Worship started. If you have never been to a Travis Cottrell concert, I imagine this is what Heaven has to be like…at least a little bit J I’m not even sure the name of the first worship song, it’s one I’ve heard and sang a hundred times before there was one line that really spoke to me. (so of course God answered my prayer almost immediately) The lyric is “our God is Healer, awesome in power…” I’ve been praying for the past year that He would heal my mom. And even though I already knew it, it was just an IN YOUR FACE reminder that He gave her the ultimate healing. I couldn’t help but smile J
We sang a hymn medley that I really liked a lot and then came to one of my favorites. Now, some backstory: 2 years ago at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast I asked for God to give me a specific gift to show me that He loved me and I asked to sing a particular song – one that was really ministering to me at the time. And it was this same song…”Revelation Song”. I remember when I heard the first few notes a couple years ago just immediately welling up with tears because I knew He was giving me what I had asked for. Well tonight when I heard the first few notes I just smiled remembering that gift from 2 years ago. As we began to sing the song though, it took on a whole new meaning. We sang the chorus once and I As we got to the chorus:
Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!
All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldn’t help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for – worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace – she was just a little closer than I was J
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!
All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldn’t help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for – worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace – she was just a little closer than I was J
We sang a song I’d never heard before, I’m thinking maybe he had written it and it was just beautiful and really spoke to me. I kinda think that the music spoke to me more tonight than anything. When we ended for the night we sang “In Christ Alone” which speaks for itself and if you’ve never heard him do it live you are totally missing out and “I Love You Lord” which is one of my all time favorite worship songs from back in the day. I know I say “favorite” a lot, but I just love so many of themJ
I definitely feel like the music spoke to me more tonight than anything else. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but either way I am expecting God to speak in some way J
Thursday, December 1, 2011
The emotions have definitely started to overflow. I have done a whole lot of crying (and real crying at that) in the past week. Different sources (other blogs, songs, stories) have really brought it up. I'm glad it's happening. I feel like it's finally starting to be real somehow.
On Tuesday I got the chance to go visit one of our students from ILC. I had told my mom about this girl back in the summer when I first met her. She had a baby last week so Sandy, Kristin and I got to go visit. Ansley and Zach came along too. She was in a small, rundown apartment, but the generosity she showed to me was more than most people ever would. We were only there 5 minutes, but when we left she gave both Ansley and Zach one of her own kids toys. At first I didn't know how to react. She doesn't speak much English so it's hard to communicate. I just told her thank you so much and hugged her and she kept saying she loved Ansley and Zach. I was talking with one of the other teachers and she told me it makes them feel so good when they can do something like that for people who are generally "helping" them instead. For whatever reason I had felt an instant connection with this girl back in the summer and I'm so glad I was able to go visit. When I got in the car to leave though there was just this immense heaviness because I so badly wanted to tell my mom what had happened. I know most of my posts seem to end up being about, "I wish I had the ability to tell my mom...", but from what I hear that's not going to go away anytime soon.
The last couple days I've been thinking about how I need to really start concentrating on how grateful I am for the blessings through this process. 2 months ago I was all, "I'm counting it all joy"...and I was at the time, however I kinda lost that when she died. I really want to be there again. We are going to Pensacola tomorrow for the Beth Moore conference and I'm praying for a specific word from The Word!
It's been almost a year since we were told the cancer had come back. At the time we thought she only had a couple months. We got about 10 months instead. I am so grateful for that. When she had that amazing scan back in March showing the cancer was 90% gone it was just crazy! I still never thought everything was going to be fine, but I guess I did think it was going to extend her time more than it did. But now looking back I think God did that so that we could have one last (happy) trip as a family. We went to NJ in April and it was a great time. More memories to add to those that I pray I will never forget.
Ok, right now I'm just kinda overwhelmed with wanting to see her face and hearing her wonderful laugh. That's all for now...
On Tuesday I got the chance to go visit one of our students from ILC. I had told my mom about this girl back in the summer when I first met her. She had a baby last week so Sandy, Kristin and I got to go visit. Ansley and Zach came along too. She was in a small, rundown apartment, but the generosity she showed to me was more than most people ever would. We were only there 5 minutes, but when we left she gave both Ansley and Zach one of her own kids toys. At first I didn't know how to react. She doesn't speak much English so it's hard to communicate. I just told her thank you so much and hugged her and she kept saying she loved Ansley and Zach. I was talking with one of the other teachers and she told me it makes them feel so good when they can do something like that for people who are generally "helping" them instead. For whatever reason I had felt an instant connection with this girl back in the summer and I'm so glad I was able to go visit. When I got in the car to leave though there was just this immense heaviness because I so badly wanted to tell my mom what had happened. I know most of my posts seem to end up being about, "I wish I had the ability to tell my mom...", but from what I hear that's not going to go away anytime soon.
The last couple days I've been thinking about how I need to really start concentrating on how grateful I am for the blessings through this process. 2 months ago I was all, "I'm counting it all joy"...and I was at the time, however I kinda lost that when she died. I really want to be there again. We are going to Pensacola tomorrow for the Beth Moore conference and I'm praying for a specific word from The Word!
It's been almost a year since we were told the cancer had come back. At the time we thought she only had a couple months. We got about 10 months instead. I am so grateful for that. When she had that amazing scan back in March showing the cancer was 90% gone it was just crazy! I still never thought everything was going to be fine, but I guess I did think it was going to extend her time more than it did. But now looking back I think God did that so that we could have one last (happy) trip as a family. We went to NJ in April and it was a great time. More memories to add to those that I pray I will never forget.
Ok, right now I'm just kinda overwhelmed with wanting to see her face and hearing her wonderful laugh. That's all for now...
Monday, November 28, 2011
Thankful for Mama: Day 5
Whoops...I thought I did this on Friday!! Better late than never...
Thankful for Mama: Day 5
Today I am thankful for what a creative and fun loving parent she was (and so was my dad). She went to such great lengths to encourage my very wild imagination and to make every day events more fun. I really do pray I can be half that creative, fun and selfless with my kids.
Just a few of the things she would do:
1. She would get down Christmas lights from the attic and wrap them around my 4 poster bed, put boards on my bed and steps up to by bed so that me and my friends could put on fashion shows for her and my dad :)
2. When me and my friends would be eating lunch she would ask if we wanted a half of a whole sandwich. Of course everyone said whole, so she would put an actual hole in the middle of each sandwich. My friends always got a kick out of it.
3. When I would go on field trips at school she would decorate my "brown bag lunch" in whatever theme the field trip was on. The one I remember the most was we were going to an aquarium and she cut out a picture of a seal from my dad's Nat Geo magazines and put it on the front with glitter and all kinds of fun stuff. If you knew her at all you knew what an amazing job on any project she did - that included my little brown bags.
4. She would play along as my friend Meredith and I played "Time Travel" and forced them to pretend we weren't in the room even though we were being very distracting :)
5. She would make up silly songs to help pass the time when we were broken down somewhere...my favorite was "Officer Friendly" :)
5. At a very early age I loved to organize things. One of my favorite things to play was "pattern company". She would let me take out all her patterns (she had hundreds) and use them in my "company". I would ship them, receive them, sell them, buy them. I had invoices and everything. Have I mentioned how much I love the smell of carbon paper? :)
6. I always pretended that our bikes were horses and she would help me groom them and walk them and take care of them like you would any other horse :)
7. Nothing will compare to my 25th Birthday - but I think that will have to be a whole other post. Not sure I could even type about it right now.
I've had a rough weekend. I've done a lot of crying. A lot of reminiscing. A lot of replaying "the end" in my mind. She was just the most wonderful mother and all of these little things she did for me was just part of her wonderfulness.
Thankful for Mama: Day 5
Today I am thankful for what a creative and fun loving parent she was (and so was my dad). She went to such great lengths to encourage my very wild imagination and to make every day events more fun. I really do pray I can be half that creative, fun and selfless with my kids.
Just a few of the things she would do:
1. She would get down Christmas lights from the attic and wrap them around my 4 poster bed, put boards on my bed and steps up to by bed so that me and my friends could put on fashion shows for her and my dad :)
2. When me and my friends would be eating lunch she would ask if we wanted a half of a whole sandwich. Of course everyone said whole, so she would put an actual hole in the middle of each sandwich. My friends always got a kick out of it.
3. When I would go on field trips at school she would decorate my "brown bag lunch" in whatever theme the field trip was on. The one I remember the most was we were going to an aquarium and she cut out a picture of a seal from my dad's Nat Geo magazines and put it on the front with glitter and all kinds of fun stuff. If you knew her at all you knew what an amazing job on any project she did - that included my little brown bags.
4. She would play along as my friend Meredith and I played "Time Travel" and forced them to pretend we weren't in the room even though we were being very distracting :)
5. She would make up silly songs to help pass the time when we were broken down somewhere...my favorite was "Officer Friendly" :)
5. At a very early age I loved to organize things. One of my favorite things to play was "pattern company". She would let me take out all her patterns (she had hundreds) and use them in my "company". I would ship them, receive them, sell them, buy them. I had invoices and everything. Have I mentioned how much I love the smell of carbon paper? :)
6. I always pretended that our bikes were horses and she would help me groom them and walk them and take care of them like you would any other horse :)
7. Nothing will compare to my 25th Birthday - but I think that will have to be a whole other post. Not sure I could even type about it right now.
I've had a rough weekend. I've done a lot of crying. A lot of reminiscing. A lot of replaying "the end" in my mind. She was just the most wonderful mother and all of these little things she did for me was just part of her wonderfulness.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thanksgiving...
Well, it was the first holiday without her. All in all it wasn't that bad. I'll be honest, this morning I was having a bit of a hard time. I kept thinking to myself, "I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now all I can think about is what I don't have". I didn't want to feel that way, but I did. However, it wasn't long before I got an attitude adjustment. I heard about a couple different stories this morning/afternoon that made me realize just how good I have it. Again, I already "knew" it, but it was good to be reminded. I was talking with someone at dinner today and we were talking about how everything is about perspective. Someone else may look at my situation and think that's the worst, but something someone else is going through I may think it worse. Don't get me wrong, I know it's ok to be sad. I don't feel guilty for being sad at all - in fact I wish I was more sad more often, but I was glad that God very quickly brought to my attention that I have it pretty good.
There were definitely times today that I felt things were incomplete. I'm not sure if it was better or worse that my dad wasn't here either. I already knew it, but she was such a part of my entire life and nothing feels the same anymore. :(
There were definitely times today that I felt things were incomplete. I'm not sure if it was better or worse that my dad wasn't here either. I already knew it, but she was such a part of my entire life and nothing feels the same anymore. :(
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thankful for Mama Day 3:
Today I am thankful for her genuineness, her boldness, her unselfishness and her hatred of sin. She was such an example!
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thankful for Mama: Day 2
I know that some of you know a lot of my mom's testimony, but there are many who don't. Maybe because this part of it effects me so personally it's my "favorite" part of her testimony if that makes sense.
My mom never liked kids. She didn't want them at all. In fact about a year before she got saved she thought she was pregnant and went to the abortion clinic. She was on the table ready to have the abortion when the doctors told her they didn't really think she was pregnant. They gave her something to take at home and told her that if her period started than she wasn't pregnant. Well thankfully (and mercifully) she was not. However, that didn't change her feelings at all. She still knew that if she ever did get pregnant, she would just go back and have the abortion.
My mom got saved October 26, 1978...she got pregnant with me just "days" later. She found out she was pregnant about 2 weeks after her conversion. She has always proclaimed how blessed and happy she is that God saved her before, because she knew she would have eliminated me and she was always so thankful she didn't have to live with that kind of mistake. She was so happy when she found out and so overwhelmed with God's goodness. I think it was just the perfect way to "kick off" her new life :):) She loved the song "My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride. One of the lyrics says "but the truth is plain to see, she was sent to rescue me". A few years ago she wrote in my Birthday card that said those lyrics were exactly how she felt. She felt that God had given me to her as a "baby EMT" as she put it. I remember sitting in the restaraunt just crying reading those sweet words... she had such a way with words :) I know she thought I was the gift and I guess technically I was, but I feel like I was the one who received the gift. I still don't quite understand why I was chosen to get her as a mom. She was just the most wonderful woman I've ever known. I miss her so very much. (sorry, this isn't supposed to be about that...but I can't help it)
So anyway, today I'm thankful that God saved her soul at exactly the right time :) It's such an encouragement looking forward that He is going to do what He is going to do at the perfect time. "Perfect" to Him, not us.
My mom never liked kids. She didn't want them at all. In fact about a year before she got saved she thought she was pregnant and went to the abortion clinic. She was on the table ready to have the abortion when the doctors told her they didn't really think she was pregnant. They gave her something to take at home and told her that if her period started than she wasn't pregnant. Well thankfully (and mercifully) she was not. However, that didn't change her feelings at all. She still knew that if she ever did get pregnant, she would just go back and have the abortion.
My mom got saved October 26, 1978...she got pregnant with me just "days" later. She found out she was pregnant about 2 weeks after her conversion. She has always proclaimed how blessed and happy she is that God saved her before, because she knew she would have eliminated me and she was always so thankful she didn't have to live with that kind of mistake. She was so happy when she found out and so overwhelmed with God's goodness. I think it was just the perfect way to "kick off" her new life :):) She loved the song "My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride. One of the lyrics says "but the truth is plain to see, she was sent to rescue me". A few years ago she wrote in my Birthday card that said those lyrics were exactly how she felt. She felt that God had given me to her as a "baby EMT" as she put it. I remember sitting in the restaraunt just crying reading those sweet words... she had such a way with words :) I know she thought I was the gift and I guess technically I was, but I feel like I was the one who received the gift. I still don't quite understand why I was chosen to get her as a mom. She was just the most wonderful woman I've ever known. I miss her so very much. (sorry, this isn't supposed to be about that...but I can't help it)
So anyway, today I'm thankful that God saved her soul at exactly the right time :) It's such an encouragement looking forward that He is going to do what He is going to do at the perfect time. "Perfect" to Him, not us.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Thankful for Mama: Day 1
My plan this week was to pick something specific every day regarding my mom that I was thankful for. Today I've been thinking about how thankful I am that God answered my prayer and I was able to be with her when she went to be with Jesus. I've actually kind of been reliving it all day in my head. I've even shed some tears today. A friend sent me a song tonight and these lyrics just about did me in:
"I'm staring deep into your eyes
They're telling me the time has come
And I know you're ready to rise and sail home
The room is filling up with light
As we say our last goodnight
I thank you for every second of your life"
It's like the writer described the event perfectly. Thank you for sharing, Brian.
"I'm staring deep into your eyes
They're telling me the time has come
And I know you're ready to rise and sail home
The room is filling up with light
As we say our last goodnight
I thank you for every second of your life"
It's like the writer described the event perfectly. Thank you for sharing, Brian.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
The Weekend
It was an interesting weekend. I took the kids over to my parents house (I still can't say my "dads house") Friday night to get some things figured out with he and Margaret. It all went really smoothly which was another answer to prayer. THen it happened...when I walked outside to leave it felt like someone had punched me in my gut. It was very cold and someone nearby apparently had a fire because it smelled smoky outside. Well it was just this instantaneous rush of emotions. It just smelled like Christmas at my parents house and I was immediately overcome with sadness. I know I can be melodramatic sometimes, but I did literally have to catch my breath. I couldn't even speak hardly. That feeling followed me home and lasted into the early morning.
Sunday was the 13th - a month since she had died. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels like forever ago. I had thought about it Saturday night, but I think God kept the thought from me so that I could go to church and not be overwhelmed with the thoughts. My sweet sister in law dropped off some sunflowers for me - I'm sure to cheer me up, she never really said :)
That evening we had a car show at our church...here comes the cool part. I had been thinking that this day was probably pretty hard on my dad. Well, by the time I got to my dad I found out he had been having a pretty good time :) Since the mid 1960's it's been a dream of his to just sit in a 427 Shelby Cobra. I should know - I dusted the models of them in his bedroom all the years I lived at home :) Well, there was one at this show and my dad had started talking to the guy. The guy had let him sit in the drivers seat and even let him rev the engine a bit :) He was so excited! I had to go back to what I was doing in the gym and then Danny called and told me to get outside. The guy had taken my dad for a ride!! When they came back he was grinning like a little boy. It was so sweet! I just think it's so cool of God to give a gift like this to my dad on such a poignant day. He is so personal and it makes me feel so loved.
Right now I just feel this deep ache in my gut. I'm asking God to help me remember the last days a little more clearly than I am right now. I think it's time that I start thinking about that and really remembering it so that it will stay in my memory forever. Does that make sense? Because right now it's almost like it never happened because the memories are so pushed down. I really want to relive them and rejoice in them.
The overhwelming feeling I've had tonight was that I just can't believe I'm not going to see her face again in this lifetime. I'm so glad my friend Kristin encouraged me to "drink in her face". :) Because I truly did. I'm so going to miss it though...hey, whatdaya know?? I've got tears in my eyes!
Sunday was the 13th - a month since she had died. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels like forever ago. I had thought about it Saturday night, but I think God kept the thought from me so that I could go to church and not be overwhelmed with the thoughts. My sweet sister in law dropped off some sunflowers for me - I'm sure to cheer me up, she never really said :)
That evening we had a car show at our church...here comes the cool part. I had been thinking that this day was probably pretty hard on my dad. Well, by the time I got to my dad I found out he had been having a pretty good time :) Since the mid 1960's it's been a dream of his to just sit in a 427 Shelby Cobra. I should know - I dusted the models of them in his bedroom all the years I lived at home :) Well, there was one at this show and my dad had started talking to the guy. The guy had let him sit in the drivers seat and even let him rev the engine a bit :) He was so excited! I had to go back to what I was doing in the gym and then Danny called and told me to get outside. The guy had taken my dad for a ride!! When they came back he was grinning like a little boy. It was so sweet! I just think it's so cool of God to give a gift like this to my dad on such a poignant day. He is so personal and it makes me feel so loved.
Right now I just feel this deep ache in my gut. I'm asking God to help me remember the last days a little more clearly than I am right now. I think it's time that I start thinking about that and really remembering it so that it will stay in my memory forever. Does that make sense? Because right now it's almost like it never happened because the memories are so pushed down. I really want to relive them and rejoice in them.
The overhwelming feeling I've had tonight was that I just can't believe I'm not going to see her face again in this lifetime. I'm so glad my friend Kristin encouraged me to "drink in her face". :) Because I truly did. I'm so going to miss it though...hey, whatdaya know?? I've got tears in my eyes!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
God's Provision
My dad has been so overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done "after the fact". That in turn overwhelmes me so I figured if I could have a few hours to set aside I could make a lot of progress. I prayed yesterday that God would give me a very productive day. I made my list and set off for my parent's house. He is so good and I got everything on my list done. Everyone I talked to - from the bank rep, the insurance people, hospital people, even AT&T people - were soooo helpful. Everything went so smoothly. I couldn't believe how easily everything went. Towards the end of my mom's life one of the only things she could clearly say was, "He is soooo good Brittany, God is so good". I can still hear her voice saying it and that's probably how I will always hear it. It's definitely how I heard it yesterday.
When I went by the insurance place to have her taken off the auto and homeowners policy I got a pleasant surprise. I walked in and told them what I was here for. When I told them who I was I was very quickly ushered back to see someone specific. It was a woman who had been friends with my mom for years. It was so neat to hear from ANOTHER source just how loved and respected my mother was. We sat and talked and she told me stories and all kinds of stuff. One of the things she said was how "genuine" my mom was. I've said before that that is probably the thing I loved most about her and I think it's cool that so many other people appreciated it too. It was great to be greeted with such love while doing something that isn't necessarily very fun.
I'm just so grateful for His provision in so many different areas. I've never liked the song "Friend of God" very much, but it came on the radio last night on my way home and I heard it with different ears :) Very simple lyrics, but they showed me just how much He really is thinking of me :):)
When I went by the insurance place to have her taken off the auto and homeowners policy I got a pleasant surprise. I walked in and told them what I was here for. When I told them who I was I was very quickly ushered back to see someone specific. It was a woman who had been friends with my mom for years. It was so neat to hear from ANOTHER source just how loved and respected my mother was. We sat and talked and she told me stories and all kinds of stuff. One of the things she said was how "genuine" my mom was. I've said before that that is probably the thing I loved most about her and I think it's cool that so many other people appreciated it too. It was great to be greeted with such love while doing something that isn't necessarily very fun.
I'm just so grateful for His provision in so many different areas. I've never liked the song "Friend of God" very much, but it came on the radio last night on my way home and I heard it with different ears :) Very simple lyrics, but they showed me just how much He really is thinking of me :):)
Sunday, November 6, 2011
I mentioned in my last post that "Come Thou Fount" had been on my mind and heart for the past couple of days. Well, the first worship song we sang during Secret Church Friday night was Come Thou Fount!! I really couldn't believe it because no one ever sings this song anymore :):) It brought tears to my eyes that God would do that for me. Then there were tears because all I wanted to do was call my mom and tell her what He had done for me. I knew these kinds of moments were going to be the hardest. I kinda quietly asked God to tell her He had done that so that she would know.
I'm starting to be really sad a lot of the time. The kids are a good distraction of course, but it's starting to just be right there at the surface all the time. Last night I was posting something on FB and I happened to see of the the pictures from her last couple days. I haven't looked at them since, but I decided to and I did some crying. It's weird because it hasn't even been a month, but it's already so hard to remember at all. Actually I think I'm just trying so hard not to think about it that I can't bring myself to remember. Because as I sit here and try to remember - it's pretty easy to. It's all still hard to believe. When does reality finally set in for good?
I'm starting to be really sad a lot of the time. The kids are a good distraction of course, but it's starting to just be right there at the surface all the time. Last night I was posting something on FB and I happened to see of the the pictures from her last couple days. I haven't looked at them since, but I decided to and I did some crying. It's weird because it hasn't even been a month, but it's already so hard to remember at all. Actually I think I'm just trying so hard not to think about it that I can't bring myself to remember. Because as I sit here and try to remember - it's pretty easy to. It's all still hard to believe. When does reality finally set in for good?
Thursday, November 3, 2011
"Perseverance"
Got home from BSF a while ago...it was so good to be back!! There were a few things in the lecture today that really stood out. The first principle today was that "God enables us to persevere". Ok...now for some background:
I am a list maker and a list "checker offer" :) (if you know me, you know that) I like to just get things done and move on to the next thing. I hate any kind of long drawn out process so this "grieving process" is not exactly my cup of tea. I'm ready to 1. Grieve 2. Be done greiving and get on with life. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm figuring out it doesn't exactly work like that. I've found myself impatient about it, like I just want to be over it already. But then I realize that I'm never going to be "over it", I'm just going to learn to live with (or without in this case) it (her).
I posted a few days ago that I haven't been talking to God really at all about any of it. I've started to and He has begun softening my heart quite a bit. I've even done a bit of crying!! :) Last night was a great example. I finally made it to a Beth Moore session and of course it was about joy. One of the things she said really jumped out at me. She said "if we don't learn to wail before Him, we may never know how to dance before Him" (Psalm 30:11)
My other problem (and I know I'm not alone in this) is that I am not a delegator. I do everything myself. I have a REALLY hard time trusting anyone else to do things, because I just don't think they will do it how I think it should be done. Well, in some backwards way...I am not delegating to God what His job ACTUALLY is!! I'm still trying to take all of the control and do things in my time and in my way. (and I know I'm not supposed to delegate to Him by the way)
This brings me back to today's principle...It was like a slap upside the head when I heard "it is God that empowers us to persevere". I mean, I knew it...I just wasn't living it. Because I haven't been talking to Him there has been a distance between us. He's been continually trying to draw me back to Himself and I've been resisting. I think I'm starting to feel some real anger. Not at Him I don't think, but just at the situation. There is some resentment too, but that's too personal even for here. So anyway, because I had distanced myself from Him I was keeping blinders on and not seeing the truth that was right there in front of me. Thankfully, God is "rich in love" and decided He wasn't going to let me get too much further. :) Now, I know I am only at the beginning of this journey and there is still plenty of time for me to distance myself again, but for now I am just really happy that His grace and mercy has brought me back to His side so that I can begin quietly talking to Him about what I'm feeling. And maybe, just maybe I'll be able to "wail before Him" soon :) Because I'm really ready to be at the point of wanting to dance before Him!! (it's that whole "wanting to get things done" thing again ;) )
My favorite hymn is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and this line really sums up my prayer right now. So I ask you to pray it for me as well:
I am a list maker and a list "checker offer" :) (if you know me, you know that) I like to just get things done and move on to the next thing. I hate any kind of long drawn out process so this "grieving process" is not exactly my cup of tea. I'm ready to 1. Grieve 2. Be done greiving and get on with life. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm figuring out it doesn't exactly work like that. I've found myself impatient about it, like I just want to be over it already. But then I realize that I'm never going to be "over it", I'm just going to learn to live with (or without in this case) it (her).
I posted a few days ago that I haven't been talking to God really at all about any of it. I've started to and He has begun softening my heart quite a bit. I've even done a bit of crying!! :) Last night was a great example. I finally made it to a Beth Moore session and of course it was about joy. One of the things she said really jumped out at me. She said "if we don't learn to wail before Him, we may never know how to dance before Him" (Psalm 30:11)
My other problem (and I know I'm not alone in this) is that I am not a delegator. I do everything myself. I have a REALLY hard time trusting anyone else to do things, because I just don't think they will do it how I think it should be done. Well, in some backwards way...I am not delegating to God what His job ACTUALLY is!! I'm still trying to take all of the control and do things in my time and in my way. (and I know I'm not supposed to delegate to Him by the way)
This brings me back to today's principle...It was like a slap upside the head when I heard "it is God that empowers us to persevere". I mean, I knew it...I just wasn't living it. Because I haven't been talking to Him there has been a distance between us. He's been continually trying to draw me back to Himself and I've been resisting. I think I'm starting to feel some real anger. Not at Him I don't think, but just at the situation. There is some resentment too, but that's too personal even for here. So anyway, because I had distanced myself from Him I was keeping blinders on and not seeing the truth that was right there in front of me. Thankfully, God is "rich in love" and decided He wasn't going to let me get too much further. :) Now, I know I am only at the beginning of this journey and there is still plenty of time for me to distance myself again, but for now I am just really happy that His grace and mercy has brought me back to His side so that I can begin quietly talking to Him about what I'm feeling. And maybe, just maybe I'll be able to "wail before Him" soon :) Because I'm really ready to be at the point of wanting to dance before Him!! (it's that whole "wanting to get things done" thing again ;) )
My favorite hymn is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and this line really sums up my prayer right now. So I ask you to pray it for me as well:
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Barbara Topham's Eulogy
I love to write. But I can't just schedule time to sit and write something. It's always been that the Holy Spirit begins to put words in my mind and heart and then I have to write whatever it is right then. That's what happened with my mom's eulogy. It was actually about a week before she passed away that He gave it to me...about 1am. I've learned not to ignore that prompting because He generally won't give me the words again. So when I felt the prompting I got up and by 3am I had it written. I would love to someday write out her entire testimony just because it's so amazing...but these are the words given to me. It is written as if I was speaking. I hope you enjoy them.
Barbara Ruth Topham was born in Waltham, MA on July 25, 1949. She was born to Bill and Marie Williams. For many years it was just she and her older brother “Butch”. 8 years after she was born her sister Diana was born and 4 years after that came another sister, Margaret. They lived in Austria when she was a small child, but when she was 5 years old her father was stationed in New Jersey so they moved again! She spent most of her life in Mount Holly, which is a beautiful and quaint town in southern New Jersey. After graduation and a failed marriage she met Gary Topham. He had been serving in the US Navy and had been stationed in Jacksonville, FL. Because of the milder weather they then moved to Jacksonville together in 1977. After getting settled they got married on February 11, 1978. A few months later Barbara, by the encouragement of a special friend, went to church for the first time. Shortly thereafter on October 26, 1978 she felt the prompting of God and accepted his Son Jesus Christ into her heart to be her Savior. Her life drastically changed as she fell in love with her Savior more and more while still living with a husband who didn’t share her faith.
A few weeks after her salvation experience Barbara found out she was expecting their first child. By God’s grace, she hadn’t gotten pregnant before she had given her heart to Jesus. Exactly 30 years after her own birth, on July 25, 1979 Barbara delivered their first and only child: me J. Our shared birthday has always been so much fun. Although they never had any more children our home was filled with a lot of love, laughter and my friends. My parents were very creative, fun loving and selfless. They have provided me with countless cherished memories and traditions that I will remember forever. Already some are being passed down to my own family. Although my dad had not yet accepted Christ as his Savior, God used my mom during those years to be a wonderful witness of His grace, mercy, love, protection and kindness. For 8 years she prayed for my dad…and so did numerous other friends. Finally, on November 18, 1986 while kneeling in the front yard of their home my dad asked Jesus to come into his heart as well. It was a night and an experience that we will never forget. This changed the family dynamic as my parents were now on the same page in regards to how they would raise me.
My mom and I had already been attending First Baptist Church of Jacksonville, FL since her conversion and after my dad was saved he joined right in and began to get involved also. FBC became like a 2nd home to us where we were ministered to by amazing pastors, teachers and music.
Anyone who knew my mom knew the pride she took in any job she did. Whether it was hanging wallpaper, painting or making crafts and games for her beloved Bible Study Fellowship children, she honored God by always doing the very best job she could. While that could sometimes be frustrating AND amusing for us J, it was just another area of how she genuinely displayed God’s character in her life.
My mom may not have ever done any great things as far as “the world” is concerned, but everyone who knew her knows the great things she has done to help further the Kingdom of God. And quite frankly, that is the only “world” that really matters. She loved Jesus more than anything. She never apologized for the fact that she wanted to obey her Savior and His Word. She was one of the most genuine people ever to walk the earth. That is probably the thing I loved most about her. Her transparency about herself drew others to her. She was a glorious example of what can happen when a person lets the Holy Spirit fill them continually with Himself. She began the Christian Heritage in our family and the fruit that she has produced will last for eternity.
When we told her we were pregnant she began to earnestly pray for that little life that was forming. She prayed so specifically and so passionately that God would “pour out a double portion of His Spirit” onto this child and that she would love Christ from a very early age. Although only 3 years old it seems that her prayer has been answered. She treated Ansley and Zacharaiah just the same way she had treated me. She loved them selflessly. She never hesitated to play whatever game they wanted to play. I often wondered if I would ever be as selfless. She encouraged them to love God, but she also never let them get away with wrongdoing. She loved them as we’ve all been commanded to love: deeply.
After her original diagnosis in March 2009 she suffered many setbacks and frustrations in regards to her treatment. Through it all she kept a wonderful and God honoring attitude. She witnessed to almost every doctor, nurse and receptionist she came in contact with. We celebrated in November 2009 and thought that we had truly “weathered the storm”. However, that was not to be. In December 2010 it was discovered that the cancer had metastasized. At this point everyone knew that beyond a miracle from God she would not survive this. For many months she seemed to do remarkably well, despite chemo and radiation treatments. It wasn’t until the last few months of her life that she really even looked sick. But once again she simply encouraged and inspired those around her to turn to their Father through this “valley of the shadow of death”. The ways that God took care of all of us are simply indescribable. As people came to minister to her they always left saying that she had ended up ministering to them also. In her final days one of the only things she could clearly communicate was how good God was.
My mom’s faith became sight at sunrise on October 13, 2011. She was surrounded by family and her closest friend and we had been singing and reading scripture to her for hours. Of course we were sad, but there was also a spirit of joy and peace surrounding everyone. It was a beautiful and holy experience.
She is now singing and “dancing her shoes off” in Heaven with the love of her life: her Savior and Lord, Jesus Christ!! She has also been reunited with her mother and father who accepted Christ much later in their lives. She even had the pleasure of leading her own mother to the Lord a few days before her death in 1991.
Barbara is preceded in death by her father, mother and brother. She is survived by her loyal husband Gary; myself and my husband Danny; and her precious granchildren: Ansley and Zachariah, who she has influenced in ways they will never know. She is also survived by her two sisters: Diana of Panama City, Margaret and husband Jon of Panama City and numerous cousins, nieces and nephews. Her loss will also be felt by friends who in many ways were just as close to her as her actual family.
When I was born God gave her the scripture Matthew 9:22 in order to give her comfort and peace. However, now it applies to her in an even more glorious and eternal way:
But Jesus turned him about, and when he saw her, he said,
“Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.”
“Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.”
Friday, October 28, 2011
I have to start out by apologizing for all this talk about my emotions. I'm sure it's not so fun for everyone to read. I've been going over and over in my mind what my problem is...and I think I stumbled onto something.
I was driving home tonight and a song came on the radio that has really ministered to me this past year. It's "I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp. As I was listening I was just thinking and talking to myself. These words have NEVER been more true than they are right now: "Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart. I've never felt so torn before seems I don't know where to start"...I know that I do still believe God has been and is going to be faithful. But as I was listening I kind of realized that for some reason I am resisting talking to God about all this that I'm feeling and I don't know why. I've not felt any conscious anger towards Him, but perhaps there is somewhere down deep. As the song played and I sang the words in my head it was like there was this part of me that was pleading with myself to just talk to Him and pour it all out before Him (Psalm 142), but another part of me just wouldn't let it happen. Then there are the lyrics: "Though the questions still fog up my mind with promises I still seem to bear even when answers slowly unwind it's my heart I see You prepare" ... and I know He is preparing me for something even through this. But in all honesty right now I'm not sure I want to hear it.
Even as the song is ending and I'm hearing the words "The only place I can go is into your arms where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me help me to know You are near"... it was like I was screaming at myself "go there, go to His arms" and I'm just not. I've been so busy the past 2 weeks and it's become easier to just push everything down to "get things done" and not think about what I'm feeling and going through.
The real point of the song though are the words:
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe
Like I said, I do know it. I do believe it. Please pray for me that I will go to Him with it all. I want to just talk to Him and be honest with Him...and soon.
I was driving home tonight and a song came on the radio that has really ministered to me this past year. It's "I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp. As I was listening I was just thinking and talking to myself. These words have NEVER been more true than they are right now: "Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart. I've never felt so torn before seems I don't know where to start"...I know that I do still believe God has been and is going to be faithful. But as I was listening I kind of realized that for some reason I am resisting talking to God about all this that I'm feeling and I don't know why. I've not felt any conscious anger towards Him, but perhaps there is somewhere down deep. As the song played and I sang the words in my head it was like there was this part of me that was pleading with myself to just talk to Him and pour it all out before Him (Psalm 142), but another part of me just wouldn't let it happen. Then there are the lyrics: "Though the questions still fog up my mind with promises I still seem to bear even when answers slowly unwind it's my heart I see You prepare" ... and I know He is preparing me for something even through this. But in all honesty right now I'm not sure I want to hear it.
Even as the song is ending and I'm hearing the words "The only place I can go is into your arms where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me help me to know You are near"... it was like I was screaming at myself "go there, go to His arms" and I'm just not. I've been so busy the past 2 weeks and it's become easier to just push everything down to "get things done" and not think about what I'm feeling and going through.
The real point of the song though are the words:
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe
Like I said, I do know it. I do believe it. Please pray for me that I will go to Him with it all. I want to just talk to Him and be honest with Him...and soon.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Slideshows
As I wrote yesterday...Danny was able to convert the slideshows and here they are:)
Slideshow #1: "Who Am I?" by: Casting Crowns
Slideshow #2: "Untitled Hymn" by: Chris Rice
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
October 26th
This morning was my mom's Memorial Service. I'm not partial or anything, but that's one of the best services I've ever been to :) For those that don't know, October 26th is her spiritual birthday so that is one reason we picked today for the service.
There was so much joy and happiness. Yes, obviously we are sad...but there is too much of the joy in my heart right now to really feel that sadness.
My parents Sunday School teacher Terry Troutt officiated the service. He and his wife Margarita have ministered to my family like I can't even tell you. They are amazing people and I am so glad I have gotten to know them. He did a wonderful job with the service.
I was pretty nervous about reading the eulogy myself and even though I messed up a couple of times I am really glad I did it. If you know me you know that I like to get my point across :) I could talk about how amazing my mom is all day so I'm really glad I got to put voice to my words. I couldn't figure out how to put into words this other thought so I didn't share it, but I'm just so proud of her and I'm so proud to be her daughter. I am still so overwhelmed that God would have given her to me. It's that thought of, "what did I do to deserve this?" type of thing. The beautiful thing is that I didn't do anything to deserve it. God did it because He loves me. I just feel so special that He would have given her to me...even if it was only for 32 years.
Danny, my Aunt Cindy and my mom's dear friend Deanna spoke also. They all did a wonderful job. Danny has earned many fans with his very sincere and open show of emotion. I've not given much thought honestly to how this is effecting him and that's been pretty selfish of me. I've been given some insight though into how much he truly loved her. And I love that. Cindy wrote a beautiful poem (which I've included below). God gave it to her and I thought it was fitting since my mom wrote such beautiful poetry herself. Deanna read a letter she had written to her a few years ago and I loved getting to hear those words again.
Her friend Colleen read a couple of my mom's favorite Psalms (19 and 91) She did a beautiful job.
We had 2 slideshows because my mom was very specific about certain songs she wanted sung. And she only wanted them sung by the original artists. Buuuut, it's kinda hard to book Casting Crowns and Chris Rice for a Memorial Service :) Danny is going to convert them so that I can post them and share them here with people who weren't able to be at the service.
Her only other specific request was that a certain video be played at the end of the service. We had talked about having people learn the dance moves and get up on stage to help lead the crowd, but I forgot all about doing that. I wish I had because from the feedback I've heard...the crowd loved the video!! Apparently there was at least one little girl dancing in the aisle, which I'm sure would have put a smile on my mom's face :) Here is the video:
I don't know how else to sum up the service other than so uplifting and God glorifying. The gospel was presented numerous times and I pray that it will be used to help draw someone to Christ.
I want to thank EVERYONE who helped us out today. I was seriously just overwhelmed with the love and support that was poured on us.
I'm so glad this is over, but at the same time I'm sad that it is. I know that the sadness is probably going to start really hitting now and I'm hoping it does. Please pray that I won't surpress anything any longer. I would really like to take some time to just grieve now.
Below is the poem that God gave to my mom's best friend. It's just beautiful..hence the title :)
Cindy Hodge
There was so much joy and happiness. Yes, obviously we are sad...but there is too much of the joy in my heart right now to really feel that sadness.
My parents Sunday School teacher Terry Troutt officiated the service. He and his wife Margarita have ministered to my family like I can't even tell you. They are amazing people and I am so glad I have gotten to know them. He did a wonderful job with the service.
I was pretty nervous about reading the eulogy myself and even though I messed up a couple of times I am really glad I did it. If you know me you know that I like to get my point across :) I could talk about how amazing my mom is all day so I'm really glad I got to put voice to my words. I couldn't figure out how to put into words this other thought so I didn't share it, but I'm just so proud of her and I'm so proud to be her daughter. I am still so overwhelmed that God would have given her to me. It's that thought of, "what did I do to deserve this?" type of thing. The beautiful thing is that I didn't do anything to deserve it. God did it because He loves me. I just feel so special that He would have given her to me...even if it was only for 32 years.
Danny, my Aunt Cindy and my mom's dear friend Deanna spoke also. They all did a wonderful job. Danny has earned many fans with his very sincere and open show of emotion. I've not given much thought honestly to how this is effecting him and that's been pretty selfish of me. I've been given some insight though into how much he truly loved her. And I love that. Cindy wrote a beautiful poem (which I've included below). God gave it to her and I thought it was fitting since my mom wrote such beautiful poetry herself. Deanna read a letter she had written to her a few years ago and I loved getting to hear those words again.
Her friend Colleen read a couple of my mom's favorite Psalms (19 and 91) She did a beautiful job.
We had 2 slideshows because my mom was very specific about certain songs she wanted sung. And she only wanted them sung by the original artists. Buuuut, it's kinda hard to book Casting Crowns and Chris Rice for a Memorial Service :) Danny is going to convert them so that I can post them and share them here with people who weren't able to be at the service.
Her only other specific request was that a certain video be played at the end of the service. We had talked about having people learn the dance moves and get up on stage to help lead the crowd, but I forgot all about doing that. I wish I had because from the feedback I've heard...the crowd loved the video!! Apparently there was at least one little girl dancing in the aisle, which I'm sure would have put a smile on my mom's face :) Here is the video:
I don't know how else to sum up the service other than so uplifting and God glorifying. The gospel was presented numerous times and I pray that it will be used to help draw someone to Christ.
I want to thank EVERYONE who helped us out today. I was seriously just overwhelmed with the love and support that was poured on us.
I'm so glad this is over, but at the same time I'm sad that it is. I know that the sadness is probably going to start really hitting now and I'm hoping it does. Please pray that I won't surpress anything any longer. I would really like to take some time to just grieve now.
Below is the poem that God gave to my mom's best friend. It's just beautiful..hence the title :)
“Beautiful Sunrise”For Barbara
October 13, 2011
October 13, 2011
Beautiful sunrise, love shown so bright
As you breathed your last breath and took your heavenly flight.
As you breathed your last breath and took your heavenly flight.
Prayers were prayed and songs were sung
Scriptures were read, we even had fun.
Scriptures were read, we even had fun.
Home to your Savior you loved so true
Your beloved family will miss you, your dear friends too.
Your beloved family will miss you, your dear friends too.
I remember how you asked the Lord for strength to finish strong,
You wanted to be a Godly example all along.
You wanted to be a Godly example all along.
You encouraged others you met along the way,
They were more blessed when they walked away.
They were more blessed when they walked away.
What a difference you made to us each and every day,
As you lived out your faith in a beautiful way.
As you lived out your faith in a beautiful way.
Could you have brought Him any more glory?
Yours is an amazing story.
Yours is an amazing story.
You battled hard, you battled long,
Yet you always kept a song.
Yet you always kept a song.
More concerned with others, that’s what I saw in you;
Determined to let others see Jesus shine thru.
Determined to let others see Jesus shine thru.
God met your needs every single day,
gave you the grace all along the way.
gave you the grace all along the way.
You recorded your voice for your grandchildren dear,
You wanted so much for them to feel you near.
You wanted so much for them to feel you near.
You left a legacy they will never forget.
He who began a good work will continue it yet!
He who began a good work will continue it yet!
Beautiful sunrise, Jesus shines so bright;
Home with your Savior in His eternal light.
Home with your Savior in His eternal light.
Cindy Hodge
Sunday, October 23, 2011
All through the day I have little thoughts here and there of things I want to write down. And then by the time I get a chance to sit down here to type I can't remember any of it!! So this blog post is going to be quite choppy...
For some reason this week I had a feeling about what song the choir was going to sing today. I guess it was the Holy Spirit although I'm trying to figure out why He would tell me. As soon as the music started and the lyrics popped up I kind of smiled, and then cried. I still didn't cry like I'd like to, but it was something. The song was "Oh Crimson Flow" and it was one of the last songs we played/sang for her before she died. She first told Cindy and I about the song months ago sitting in the oncologists office and Cindy found it and played it because she loved it so much. It's an absolutely beautiful song and it will always remind me of my mom.
It was suggested that I read the eulogy at the service. I have decided to do it. It makes me happy, but nervous at the same time. I did write it so I'm glad I get to put voice to it...but the thought of speaking in front of that many people makes me want to vomit. I don't think I'll get emotional, but who knows...maybe that will be my moment. (so I apologize in advance if it is :) )
A sweet new friend of mine emailed me today and was so encouraging. She shared with me how she struggled with some of the same issues when her mom passed away and that everyone grieves differently. I guess I do believe that God is just keeping me held together because I have to be right now...but that human side of me wants to come back again and question everything. I keep thinking (like I've been thinking this whole journey)"am I surpressing my emotions, whats the deal?" I feel like I can barely put 2 sensible thoughts together anymore. Most of the time I have absolutely no clue what I'm thinking...
I'll go ahead and be honest so watch out and don't be offended; I find myself resentful of other families that aren't going through this. I remember a friend telling me sort of the same thing about when her dad died. How she would think "dont you know what is happening to me?" when perfect strangers seemed happy. I know it's crazy...but it's still how I'm feeling. I find myself mad when people talk about unimportant things...as if everyone's life should stop on our behalf. But on the flip side...I don't really want to talk about it much. Again...I know it's crazy, but I'm just being honest. I do know that these emotions are going to take a long time to work through, but I think mentally I've put it on my "To Do list" and now I just want it done.
When I feel these things I am reminded of what I'm supposed to do. This is an excerpt from my devotional a couple of days ago:
The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time - are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand.
Here are the lyrics to "Oh Crimson Flow"
Oh crimson flow once shed for me
My life I owe my saving King
His blood has paid my ransom fee
Oh crimson flow that set me free
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
It washes over me
Oh crimson flow this solemn creed
That in my life I must decree
To tell the lost His Word and deed
Power to live in Christ our King
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
It washes over me
Oh crimson flow the scarlet key
By which my soul at last shall see
The King above in all glory
With God most high I’ll ever be
For some reason this week I had a feeling about what song the choir was going to sing today. I guess it was the Holy Spirit although I'm trying to figure out why He would tell me. As soon as the music started and the lyrics popped up I kind of smiled, and then cried. I still didn't cry like I'd like to, but it was something. The song was "Oh Crimson Flow" and it was one of the last songs we played/sang for her before she died. She first told Cindy and I about the song months ago sitting in the oncologists office and Cindy found it and played it because she loved it so much. It's an absolutely beautiful song and it will always remind me of my mom.
It was suggested that I read the eulogy at the service. I have decided to do it. It makes me happy, but nervous at the same time. I did write it so I'm glad I get to put voice to it...but the thought of speaking in front of that many people makes me want to vomit. I don't think I'll get emotional, but who knows...maybe that will be my moment. (so I apologize in advance if it is :) )
A sweet new friend of mine emailed me today and was so encouraging. She shared with me how she struggled with some of the same issues when her mom passed away and that everyone grieves differently. I guess I do believe that God is just keeping me held together because I have to be right now...but that human side of me wants to come back again and question everything. I keep thinking (like I've been thinking this whole journey)"am I surpressing my emotions, whats the deal?" I feel like I can barely put 2 sensible thoughts together anymore. Most of the time I have absolutely no clue what I'm thinking...
I'll go ahead and be honest so watch out and don't be offended; I find myself resentful of other families that aren't going through this. I remember a friend telling me sort of the same thing about when her dad died. How she would think "dont you know what is happening to me?" when perfect strangers seemed happy. I know it's crazy...but it's still how I'm feeling. I find myself mad when people talk about unimportant things...as if everyone's life should stop on our behalf. But on the flip side...I don't really want to talk about it much. Again...I know it's crazy, but I'm just being honest. I do know that these emotions are going to take a long time to work through, but I think mentally I've put it on my "To Do list" and now I just want it done.
When I feel these things I am reminded of what I'm supposed to do. This is an excerpt from my devotional a couple of days ago:
The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time - are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand.
Here are the lyrics to "Oh Crimson Flow"
Oh crimson flow once shed for me
My life I owe my saving King
His blood has paid my ransom fee
Oh crimson flow that set me free
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
It washes over me
Oh crimson flow this solemn creed
That in my life I must decree
To tell the lost His Word and deed
Power to live in Christ our King
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
It washes over me
Oh crimson flow the scarlet key
By which my soul at last shall see
The King above in all glory
With God most high I’ll ever be
Saturday, October 22, 2011
I hope it doesn't sound ugly, but I am really ready for the Memorial Service to be over. I feel like there is still just something hanging over my head and I don't like it! I know it was necessary to wait and it's good because it's given us time to get everything ready, but I'm just ready to get back to normal life. Well, normal minus my mom...which isn't exactly normal, but you know what I mean.
I've been really stressed about the service. It's hard for me not to have control over every different aspect of it. However, God is good and the last piece of the puzzle was filled tonight so the stress is pretty much gone thankfully. I'm pretty much done with everything...just a few little last minute things that I have to do.
I'm not sure if it's because I've had so much to concentrate on or what, but I still somehow feel like this hasn't actually happened. I'm really ready to grieve...and I don't feel like that has started that much. I really want to have some days of crying...is that ok? Should I want to cry? I dunno. These are the kinds of things I would normally call her and ask her opinion on. But even now...thinking about the fact that I can't call her - it still doesn't seem real. Is that normal??
My mind just feels so jumbled. My prayer tonight is that God would "unjumble" it...I know He doesn't want that for me.
I've been really stressed about the service. It's hard for me not to have control over every different aspect of it. However, God is good and the last piece of the puzzle was filled tonight so the stress is pretty much gone thankfully. I'm pretty much done with everything...just a few little last minute things that I have to do.
I'm not sure if it's because I've had so much to concentrate on or what, but I still somehow feel like this hasn't actually happened. I'm really ready to grieve...and I don't feel like that has started that much. I really want to have some days of crying...is that ok? Should I want to cry? I dunno. These are the kinds of things I would normally call her and ask her opinion on. But even now...thinking about the fact that I can't call her - it still doesn't seem real. Is that normal??
My mind just feels so jumbled. My prayer tonight is that God would "unjumble" it...I know He doesn't want that for me.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
I really miss her today and I REALLY want to talk to her :(
Reality is setting in...
I'm editting this the next day because I didn't have time last night to. After feeling really sad most of the day, this is what I read in my devotion. I'm only typing out the part that jumped out at me. Once again, God gave me a love note...just at the right time:
"Come to Me with your defenses down, ready to be blessed and filled with My Presence. Relax, and feel the relief of being totally open and authentic with Me. You have nothing to hide and nothing to disclose, because I know everything about you already. You can have no other relationship like this one. (even the one I am so desperately wanting with my mom) Take time to savor its richness, basking in My golden Light..."
Obviously it's not wrong to miss my mom, and God wants me to talk to Him about all my feelings, but I am still making the same mistake I've been making for years...making my relationship with my mom more important than my relationship with God. It was just something I needed to be reminded of. I don't always learn lessons very quickly. :)
Reality is setting in...
I'm editting this the next day because I didn't have time last night to. After feeling really sad most of the day, this is what I read in my devotion. I'm only typing out the part that jumped out at me. Once again, God gave me a love note...just at the right time:
"Come to Me with your defenses down, ready to be blessed and filled with My Presence. Relax, and feel the relief of being totally open and authentic with Me. You have nothing to hide and nothing to disclose, because I know everything about you already. You can have no other relationship like this one. (even the one I am so desperately wanting with my mom) Take time to savor its richness, basking in My golden Light..."
Obviously it's not wrong to miss my mom, and God wants me to talk to Him about all my feelings, but I am still making the same mistake I've been making for years...making my relationship with my mom more important than my relationship with God. It was just something I needed to be reminded of. I don't always learn lessons very quickly. :)
Monday, October 17, 2011
Barbara Topham's Memorial Service Information
Below is the information for my mom's Memorial Service
Date: Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Time: 11:00am
Place: Hobson Auditorium of First Baptist Church (corner of Hogan St. and Church St.)
Parking: You may park on the street or in the Preschool Parking Garage (520 N. Laura St.) (No charge for parking garage)
(it might be helpful to print this map if you are not familiar with the FBC Campus)
Date: Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Time: 11:00am
Place: Hobson Auditorium of First Baptist Church (corner of Hogan St. and Church St.)
Parking: You may park on the street or in the Preschool Parking Garage (520 N. Laura St.) (No charge for parking garage)
(it might be helpful to print this map if you are not familiar with the FBC Campus)
Following the service there will be a reception in Area 3 of the Dining Room (directly across the street from the Preschool parking garage) There will be a sign that says "Topham Family and Friends" that will direct you where to go. If you would like to bring food (finger foods), we will be accepting food in Area 3 from 10:30-10:45am that morning. If you know what you would like to bring you can contact Mandi Wood at jmwood2005@aol.com or (904) 264-5654
If you have trouble finding any of the buildings after you have parked, ask a security guard and they will direct you.
In lieu of flowers, we would love if you would make a donation to Community Hospice on her behalf:
Community Hospice Foundation
4266 Sunbeam Road
Jacksonville, Florida 32257
http://www.communityhospice.com/index.htm
4266 Sunbeam Road
Jacksonville, Florida 32257
http://www.communityhospice.com/index.htm
Please let me know if you have any questions and again we appreciate everyone's prayers!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
It's a Romans 8:26 kind of night...
Yeah....sadness is starting to overtake me. It's been happening gradually all day. Watching my dad play with the kids has been heartbreaking. I just can't help but think of what they are going to miss. Ansley was doing some gymnastics and I kept thinking that Mimi will never get to see her do any of it. I know that where she is is much better, but I also know how much she wanted to watch these kids grow up. It's hard to put those 2 emotions together. Being glad she is in Heaven, but wanting her here also.
Later in the evening my friend Katie called to tell me that her mom had passed away tonight about 8pm. Thankfully it was just as peaceful as it had been for my mom. I dunno, but somehow that just opened up the floodgates and I was able to really cry like I've been wanting to the past few days. It was theraputic I think, but now I just feel very heavy with sadness. Before Thursday there was a heaviness of stress and worry, and now it's just a heaviness of sadness.
I'm trying to pray tonight, but it's really hard. I'm just praying Romans 8:26 tonight because I just can't do it myself right now..."In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
I know it's ok to be sad...I just know my penchant for wallowing in my misery and I don't want to do that. And there are other emotions I'm feeling to, I just can't quite put into words what they are. I guess I just feel confused and I KNOW God isn't the author of that!
Later in the evening my friend Katie called to tell me that her mom had passed away tonight about 8pm. Thankfully it was just as peaceful as it had been for my mom. I dunno, but somehow that just opened up the floodgates and I was able to really cry like I've been wanting to the past few days. It was theraputic I think, but now I just feel very heavy with sadness. Before Thursday there was a heaviness of stress and worry, and now it's just a heaviness of sadness.
I'm trying to pray tonight, but it's really hard. I'm just praying Romans 8:26 tonight because I just can't do it myself right now..."In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."
I know it's ok to be sad...I just know my penchant for wallowing in my misery and I don't want to do that. And there are other emotions I'm feeling to, I just can't quite put into words what they are. I guess I just feel confused and I KNOW God isn't the author of that!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Unreal...
I know everything I say has been said by so many people before me, but it is still true.
It's not real yet. Hasn't sunk in yet. The sadness is settling in, but I wonder how long it takes for it to really feel real.
My dad is staying with us this weekend and going to church with us tomorrow. We had a great dinner tonight with our best friends. Trying to keep my dad busy because he is just not right, as you can imagine. I seriously can't even let my mind go to thinking about him being at the house by himself.
Today Ansley and I were talking and somehow Mimi came up. She knows where Mimi is and hasn't really asked any questions. I don't think a 3 year old can really understand. She just takes everyting I say as fact. So she just says that Mimi is in Heaven with Jesus. But today when we were talking I told her Poppy was coming over. I reminded her that Mimi wasn't coming and she said she knew...but then she said, "can we pretend Mimi is here?" Things like that make me the most sad. And that's the only area that maybe there is some anger...I dunno. I don't feel angry, but maybe it's lurking under the surface. I just so wish those sweet children would have the chance to know what an amazing grandmother they had.
Anyway, now I'm rambling and not really knowing even what I want to say...
It's not real yet. Hasn't sunk in yet. The sadness is settling in, but I wonder how long it takes for it to really feel real.
My dad is staying with us this weekend and going to church with us tomorrow. We had a great dinner tonight with our best friends. Trying to keep my dad busy because he is just not right, as you can imagine. I seriously can't even let my mind go to thinking about him being at the house by himself.
Today Ansley and I were talking and somehow Mimi came up. She knows where Mimi is and hasn't really asked any questions. I don't think a 3 year old can really understand. She just takes everyting I say as fact. So she just says that Mimi is in Heaven with Jesus. But today when we were talking I told her Poppy was coming over. I reminded her that Mimi wasn't coming and she said she knew...but then she said, "can we pretend Mimi is here?" Things like that make me the most sad. And that's the only area that maybe there is some anger...I dunno. I don't feel angry, but maybe it's lurking under the surface. I just so wish those sweet children would have the chance to know what an amazing grandmother they had.
Anyway, now I'm rambling and not really knowing even what I want to say...
Friday, October 14, 2011
"Thy faith hath made thee whole"
Well, my life has drastically changed since I last wrote.
We stayed up most of that night watching and waiting...thinking it was going to happen. We even had a final Lord's Supper with her. My dad actually squeezed some grapes to make juice for her.
Nothing seemed to change so eventually we all went to bed except Cindy and she kept watch so we could get some sleep. She was pretty out of it so we expected to be woken up to say goodbye, but we woke up the next morning and there was no change. We talked about how she's always been a fighter and she still was. But we thought we'd better make sure everyone gets the chance to say goodbye so we started making some calls.
By the end of Wednesday there had been so many people in and out of that house I could never begin to count them all. I was so overwhelmed...still am. I always knew she had impacted many lives, but it was just a beautiful sight. I wish I had taken a picture of the front yard with all the cars in it. I was quite overwhelmed that some of my friends came to say goodbye also. So many close friends were able to spend hours with her. She was "alert" for a while in the morning, but by the afternoon she was gone again. One of the last people she actually spoke with was our mailman, Leon. He has been their mailman for a VERY long time. He walked in to say goodbye and she looked up at him and said, "hey Leon." It was pretty neat.
It was so sad to have to watch precious, cherished friends say goodbye. Many of them stayed for hours because they just didn't want to leave. We did a lot of singing and reading scriptures off and on all day long. As the day went on she became more and more "gone". We had called Cindy about 3pm and she came over to check her. She said that yes, there had been more of a decline but she still wasn't to "that" point yet.
Come nighttime we were just exhausted!! Danny will forever be my hero for this reason alone...he decided to take the night watch so that we (me, my dad and Margaret) could get some sleep. He had talked with Cindy and she told him exactly what to look for. He was an amazing watchmen. He woke me up about 3:45 and said he thought it was time to call Cindy. He did and she headed back over. I immediately crawled into bed with her. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. I stayed there until Cindy arrived. (I think she was sleeping in her clothes because she was there within 5 minutes!!)
Once she got there and confirmed that yes it was going to happen "soon" we got up my dad and Margaret. Even in those few hours there was laughing, singing and scripture reading. She loved Elvis so we played her some Elvis. We played her favorite song when she was growing up ("It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To"), we put perfume on her and we just loved on her as much as we could. There was some crying...of course not by me :)
At some point during the 5am hour someone mentioned sunrise and Margaret looked up the official time...which was 7:27. We told her she'd have to hang on a couple more hours. She obviously meant it when she said she didn't want to die at night. We played and sang song after song. As the birds began to chirp outside we opened the windows so she could hear them. She loved to listen to the birds as she had her quiet time in the early mornings. In the last couple of minutes her breathing changed again to what Cindy had been waiting for. It was so strange. In the same thought I was willing her to take a breath, but hoping she wouldn't.
As I had already talked about, I had been praying for some kind of glimpse into what she was seeing. God didn't answer that with a yes, but He did give me something else. At one point I felt a little tap on my heart and a voice that said, "she's gone". I wanted to say something, but didn't want to feel dumb if I was wrong. No more than 2 minutes later....right at 7:27am Cindy confirmed that she was gone. The song that had been playing, and was just ending was called, "In the Morning".
If you can call a death perfect, that was it. If you can call it "good", that was it. God took her home right on time. As her friend Christina put it..."her life of procrastination was over, she started her new life right on time!" :)
As I was crying and groaning, I kind of looked up and smiled and said, "how can I be so happy and so sad all at the same time?" I kissed her about a hundred times. I didn't want to stop.
After a while we did the usual (whatever that is). We called some friends to come see her. I thought I might be weirded out about having a dead body in the house, but there was such a peace. No way to really explain it. We got her dressed in one of "her" shirts and some jeans. Put her wedding ring and cancer bracelet on her and then put some more Shalimar on her so that when her friends arrived she would look like "Barb".
It was so strange because you just kept thinking you'd see her take another breath. She just looked so peaceful and it was like this stress was just gone.
When the funeral home got there I began to cry again, knowing it was the last time I'd see her beautiful face this side of Glory. I kissed her some more and cried some more. I left the room as they were removing her body, but couldn't help but peak. It was just wonderful. They wrapped her up tightly in a white sheet. I got to thinking it was like when they wrapped Jesus dead body in white clean linen...and then His body wasn't there anymore. I just figured, they are wrapping her body, but she isn't there!!! They wrapped everything but her face and then asked us if we were ready. I went over and kissed her again and told her "I loved loved loved her and I would see her soon". They then covered her in a beautiful brocade blanket and then she was gone.
We immediately got busy putting the house back in order and trying to let people know. It was a long morning. We took naps in the afternoon and then greeted numerous friends in the evening. Once again, we were just overwhelmed with how many people came to pay their respects. And AGAIN I couldn't get over how many of my friends made the drive from our side of town. To all of you who were there I will never forget it and I thank you so much. I just can't express how much the support means. (and I know about you who really wanted to, but couldn't for whatever reason :) )We had a fun night and I didn't want it to end. It meant it was too real for the night to be over.
I didn't want to get up this morning, but knew there was much to be done. Got the house more back in order as one of my dad's sweet friends came over to help him get my mom's car ready to sell. I just love watching men display the love of Christ to other men. It's a beautiful thing. I dreaded leaving the house. Again...just too real. But I had to see my sweet babies faces.
The sadness is definitely starting to settle in. I don't think I've answered the phone but 2 times today...so if you called and I didn't answer, please don't be offended. I just don't feel like talking right now. I'm alone now. Danny is at Men's Night. Maybe I'll finally REALLY let the emotions out since I have such a hard time fully letting go in front of other people. Maybe I won't. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when I'm done with this. My mind is quite blurry right now. That whole surreal thing is definitely kicking in to high gear.
Before I close I had to share this because I thought it was neat. As I was filling my bath I had a minute to read my "Jesus Calling" devotional for the day. Once again...very fitting and timely:
"Be prepared to suffer for me, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My kingdom. Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely - even thanking Me for them - is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles. When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide from problems. Instead, accept adversity in My Name, offering it to Me for My purposes. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me. Joy emergest from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness."
Lord, I pray we have pleased you through this trial. I thank you for carrying us through it and I thank you because I know You will continue to carry us. You are so good to us!!! Thank you for loving us so much, thank you for caring about our emotions and for keeping our tears because they are so precious to you.
We stayed up most of that night watching and waiting...thinking it was going to happen. We even had a final Lord's Supper with her. My dad actually squeezed some grapes to make juice for her.
By the end of Wednesday there had been so many people in and out of that house I could never begin to count them all. I was so overwhelmed...still am. I always knew she had impacted many lives, but it was just a beautiful sight. I wish I had taken a picture of the front yard with all the cars in it. I was quite overwhelmed that some of my friends came to say goodbye also. So many close friends were able to spend hours with her. She was "alert" for a while in the morning, but by the afternoon she was gone again. One of the last people she actually spoke with was our mailman, Leon. He has been their mailman for a VERY long time. He walked in to say goodbye and she looked up at him and said, "hey Leon." It was pretty neat.
Wednesday evening we found out she was still able to respond somewhat. If you told her, "blink if you can hear me"...she would. She didn't every time, but she did a lot of the times. She had quite a few callers too. People who couldn't be here, but still wanted to say goodbye. I wish I had remembered to call a few people. I hope they will forgive me for not. 
It was so sad to have to watch precious, cherished friends say goodbye. Many of them stayed for hours because they just didn't want to leave. We did a lot of singing and reading scriptures off and on all day long. As the day went on she became more and more "gone". We had called Cindy about 3pm and she came over to check her. She said that yes, there had been more of a decline but she still wasn't to "that" point yet.
Come nighttime we were just exhausted!! Danny will forever be my hero for this reason alone...he decided to take the night watch so that we (me, my dad and Margaret) could get some sleep. He had talked with Cindy and she told him exactly what to look for. He was an amazing watchmen. He woke me up about 3:45 and said he thought it was time to call Cindy. He did and she headed back over. I immediately crawled into bed with her. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. I stayed there until Cindy arrived. (I think she was sleeping in her clothes because she was there within 5 minutes!!)
At some point during the 5am hour someone mentioned sunrise and Margaret looked up the official time...which was 7:27. We told her she'd have to hang on a couple more hours. She obviously meant it when she said she didn't want to die at night. We played and sang song after song. As the birds began to chirp outside we opened the windows so she could hear them. She loved to listen to the birds as she had her quiet time in the early mornings. In the last couple of minutes her breathing changed again to what Cindy had been waiting for. It was so strange. In the same thought I was willing her to take a breath, but hoping she wouldn't.
As I had already talked about, I had been praying for some kind of glimpse into what she was seeing. God didn't answer that with a yes, but He did give me something else. At one point I felt a little tap on my heart and a voice that said, "she's gone". I wanted to say something, but didn't want to feel dumb if I was wrong. No more than 2 minutes later....right at 7:27am Cindy confirmed that she was gone. The song that had been playing, and was just ending was called, "In the Morning".
If you can call a death perfect, that was it. If you can call it "good", that was it. God took her home right on time. As her friend Christina put it..."her life of procrastination was over, she started her new life right on time!" :)
As I was crying and groaning, I kind of looked up and smiled and said, "how can I be so happy and so sad all at the same time?" I kissed her about a hundred times. I didn't want to stop.
After a while we did the usual (whatever that is). We called some friends to come see her. I thought I might be weirded out about having a dead body in the house, but there was such a peace. No way to really explain it. We got her dressed in one of "her" shirts and some jeans. Put her wedding ring and cancer bracelet on her and then put some more Shalimar on her so that when her friends arrived she would look like "Barb".
It was so strange because you just kept thinking you'd see her take another breath. She just looked so peaceful and it was like this stress was just gone.
When the funeral home got there I began to cry again, knowing it was the last time I'd see her beautiful face this side of Glory. I kissed her some more and cried some more. I left the room as they were removing her body, but couldn't help but peak. It was just wonderful. They wrapped her up tightly in a white sheet. I got to thinking it was like when they wrapped Jesus dead body in white clean linen...and then His body wasn't there anymore. I just figured, they are wrapping her body, but she isn't there!!! They wrapped everything but her face and then asked us if we were ready. I went over and kissed her again and told her "I loved loved loved her and I would see her soon". They then covered her in a beautiful brocade blanket and then she was gone.
We immediately got busy putting the house back in order and trying to let people know. It was a long morning. We took naps in the afternoon and then greeted numerous friends in the evening. Once again, we were just overwhelmed with how many people came to pay their respects. And AGAIN I couldn't get over how many of my friends made the drive from our side of town. To all of you who were there I will never forget it and I thank you so much. I just can't express how much the support means. (and I know about you who really wanted to, but couldn't for whatever reason :) )We had a fun night and I didn't want it to end. It meant it was too real for the night to be over.
I didn't want to get up this morning, but knew there was much to be done. Got the house more back in order as one of my dad's sweet friends came over to help him get my mom's car ready to sell. I just love watching men display the love of Christ to other men. It's a beautiful thing. I dreaded leaving the house. Again...just too real. But I had to see my sweet babies faces.
The sadness is definitely starting to settle in. I don't think I've answered the phone but 2 times today...so if you called and I didn't answer, please don't be offended. I just don't feel like talking right now. I'm alone now. Danny is at Men's Night. Maybe I'll finally REALLY let the emotions out since I have such a hard time fully letting go in front of other people. Maybe I won't. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when I'm done with this. My mind is quite blurry right now. That whole surreal thing is definitely kicking in to high gear.
Before I close I had to share this because I thought it was neat. As I was filling my bath I had a minute to read my "Jesus Calling" devotional for the day. Once again...very fitting and timely:
"Be prepared to suffer for me, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My kingdom. Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely - even thanking Me for them - is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles. When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide from problems. Instead, accept adversity in My Name, offering it to Me for My purposes. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me. Joy emergest from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness."
Lord, I pray we have pleased you through this trial. I thank you for carrying us through it and I thank you because I know You will continue to carry us. You are so good to us!!! Thank you for loving us so much, thank you for caring about our emotions and for keeping our tears because they are so precious to you.
"Every act of evil extracts a tear from God, every plunge into anquish extracts a sob from God." Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
The Beginning of the End...
I went to dinner with a friend tonight who is in the same situation we are right now. It was a nice time to share with someone who is currently walking in your shoes. When I got back and sat down with my mom I could see a difference. I watched her for a bit and then video'd her breathing patterns and sent them to her best friend Cindy. After some back and forth she said that yeah she thought it was starting and she was heading over.
She's been here for a little while now and has confirmed that yes this is the beginning. It could be just a few hours or go until the afternoon. I hope for Cindy's sake it happens before she has to leave for work.
I've had some time alone with her and said some things I didn't realize I wanted to say until I was in the moment. I told her that I wanted her to go see Jesus now. I told her since there was no time in Heaven she would never be a procrastinator again :) I told her she would never have to make any decisions ever again either!! I got to lay with her for the first time since she got a new mattress today. We've been reading Scripture to her and are now sharing stories.
God's grace is so sufficient. When Cindy and I were texting and when I texted Danny I could hardly type because I was shaking so bad. I immediately prayed for peace and He immediately granted it!!
One thing I told her was that I didn't want to know what life was going to be like without her. I'm really dreading that moment.
Ok...we are laughing right now.
Psalm 14:7 ... "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief."
She's been here for a little while now and has confirmed that yes this is the beginning. It could be just a few hours or go until the afternoon. I hope for Cindy's sake it happens before she has to leave for work.
I've had some time alone with her and said some things I didn't realize I wanted to say until I was in the moment. I told her that I wanted her to go see Jesus now. I told her since there was no time in Heaven she would never be a procrastinator again :) I told her she would never have to make any decisions ever again either!! I got to lay with her for the first time since she got a new mattress today. We've been reading Scripture to her and are now sharing stories.
God's grace is so sufficient. When Cindy and I were texting and when I texted Danny I could hardly type because I was shaking so bad. I immediately prayed for peace and He immediately granted it!!
One thing I told her was that I didn't want to know what life was going to be like without her. I'm really dreading that moment.
Ok...we are laughing right now.
Psalm 14:7 ... "Even in laughter the heart may ache, and joy may end in grief."
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