Not sure if "progress" is the right term or not. I guess it is...I'm seeing progress in this process. Normally "progress" has a more positive conotation to it though and I'm not sure I feel positve right now.
Up until a couple weeks ago it was like I coudn't force myself to cry. Now however, I basically cry off and on all day. Isn't it just like a woman to ask for something to happen and then complain when it does? :) Actually, I'm not complaining about it. In fact I'm very glad that the emotions have finally surfaced. I guess I had just packed so many in there that they finally started seeping out. Sometimes it's a trickle, sometimes it's a geyser.
As Christmas gets closer I get more and more sad. I talked to my dad last night and we both agreed that we didn't want to be at his house. It would just be so "in your face" that someone was missing. Just thinking about being there without her makes me cry. I was there Monday night and it's just so off. :(
It's not just Christmas though that makes me sad. I'm just plain sad. And the word "sad" really comes nowhere close to how I feel. There is just an emptiness. My heart is broken. I know that God comforts and binds up the broken hearted and I do take comfort in that, but it's hard to see right now how my heart could ever be fully mended. My mom and best friend in the entire world is just gone. Even though it's getting more real, it's still seems so bizarre to say.
She had done some recordings for us on her own. I started listening to them the other day. I laughed so hard because these recordings were just so "her"...and then I cried so hard because I wasn't going to experience "her" again in this life. Maybe it was too early to listen to them, I don't know. I haven't since and right now I don't have a desire to again anytime soon. Baby steps I guess.
Danny told me that when I put the kids to bed at night it's like a switch goes off with me and I turn into a different person. I hadn't really thought about it until he said it, but it makes sense. During the day it's pretty easy to be distracted with tending to 2 little ones. But once they are in bed it's just like, "Bam!"...your mom is dead and now you have all the time in the world to dwell on it. I feel badly because I don't talk to Danny much about it. I don't really talk to anyone actually. I will at some point. Writing here is the best outlet I have right now. I just have such a hard time talking about feelings like this. I want to so badly...I try to make myself. I actually fight with myself, but the words just don't come out.
Satan has been attacking with the whole guilt thing. I should have done more of this, less of that. I should have said this more...that kind of thing. I keep reliving the last few days over and over again. I'm assuming all that is normal. Not sure if it's healthy though?
I guess yeah, it is progress. That whole "5 Stages" thing. I guess maybe I thought that since it was happening gradually it wouldn't be so hard after, but boy was I wrong!!! I am so glad though that we had that time together. I wouldn't have traded it for anything.
I don't have any words except I love you.
ReplyDeleteToday marks 9 years since my mom died. Dec. 8 - right here at Christmas. Today I baked Christmas Cookies with my sister in law - something my mom loved and taught me to do. We ALWAYS did them together. That first year - after the funeral on the 13th - I came home and dove into preparing for Christmas. I had a 3 year old - I had to plug away. The first time I picked up that rolling pin and put it in dough - I burst into tears and became a complete mess. I know where you are. It's hard and I promise it will get easier - after it gets harder. :-) It's a roller coaster.
ReplyDeleteOddly enough - I almost forgot what today was for me. I was going over dates in my mind yesterday and I thought, "What's Dec. 8? - oh that's nothing - Dec. 12 - Okay - I have to remember to contact my Aunt. (my cousin was killed in a car accident 2 years ago). It wasn't until I was working on your projects last night and thinking about you and praying for you that I realized what today was for me. I remembered the conversation I had in my head earlier. At first I felt a little guilty for not remembering. I called my brother today and he said he had the same thing happen. He thought of it in passing last week but hadn't dwelt on it so much.
I will NEVER be completely over loosing my mother. There will always be that part of me that misses her deeply. She was my best friend as well - but as the years have passed, it no longer defines me. Today, as I baked cookies - she was on my mind. Sam and I even talked about her a little - but it was okay. They are sweet, tender memories that I cherish. I no longer see her in my mind as being sick. I have to force myself to go there. I remember her healthy and happy.
This will come for you too. I promise. I have learned to rely on my relationship with the Lord and with my husband. You will too. God will heal that broken area in your heart and fill it with himself.
That first Christmas was hard. There was an empty place - but I also had a newer and deeper appreciation. I had never lost someone as close to me as my mom. Without Christmas there wouldn't have been a cross and without a cross - we wouldn't have the hope that we do. Because of Christmas - my mom was celebrating in heaven. Even though I miss her - because of Christmas I KNOW where she is and it gives me great peace.
I'm continuing to pray for you girl. Please call me if you need to chat. We do need to meet up so I can get your things to you. I love you, my sweet friend. I am here for you and I know exactly where you are. It's okay to be here - know that it won't be forever.
Cami