tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4295172209477051692024-03-19T12:23:53.096-07:00The Furnace of Affliction"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? I will not yield my glory to another."
Isaiah 48:10-11Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.comBlogger79125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-7204165674778006922020-10-06T19:53:00.000-07:002020-10-06T19:53:02.235-07:00He really is a, "Good, Good Father". Making this post has been on my mind for a while, but I never seemed to have the time to sit down and type it. Tonight seems to be the appropriate time. It's also kinda cool that when I sat down to type I noticed that it's been exactly 2 years since my last post. And that I closed out that post with the phrase I'm about to talk about. š<div><br /></div><div>First of all, October is my most hated month. All of the really crappy things that have happened in my life have happened in October. I normally start to get sad and quiet as the month approaches. Losing Remedy last week didn't help, but I think that might be why tonight is the night I have the time to put these thoughts into words. I need to be reminded of this truth right now before I let the whole month be ruined. </div><div><br /></div><div> If you read my blog all of those years ago you might remember that the last week of my mom's life she didn't say much. The only thing she repeated many times was, "God is good Brittany. He is soooo good." I'll never not hear that phrase in her voice. That phrase pretty much summed up her entire testimony and she wanted everyone to know it. He truly was so good to us all through that time. That was 2011. </div><div><br /></div><div> In October 2012 I thought my life was going to fall apart again. But instead, God turned a potential tragedy into something more beautiful than it probably ever would have been. Again, God showed me how good He truly is. š</div><div><br /></div><div> In 2016 Chris Tomlin released, "Good Good Father". Pretty quickly it became very popular to make fun of the song. I think the reasoning was because of the simplicity of the lyrics. And that that, "simplicity" translated to "shallowness". Perhaps I'm wrong and there were other reasons for the teasing. The teasing annoyed me from the beginning only because hearing God described as, "good" was so special to me. </div><div><br /></div><div> ***Let me say right now that up to that point I had made fun of plenty of Christian music. I had laughed at how dumb and shallow they sounded. I still fight my own judgemental attitude about a lot of Christian music.*** </div><div><br /></div><div>Ok, back to the topic at hand. </div><div><br /></div><div>God is good. You can't deny it. He is a good Father. It's who He is. (see what I did there? š)</div><div><br /></div><div>Just because a word is simple doesn't mean it can't have eternal depth. ( I still have to remind myself of this when I find myself rolling my eyes because of lyrics I've just heard) </div><div><br /></div><div>I'm asking one thing of anyone who reads this post. The next time you hear the song, don't turn it off. Listen to it and think about a woman who couldn't say anything other than, "God is good. He is soooo good" as she was dying. I promise the lyrics won't seem as shallow. š</div>Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-15120946352256380372018-10-06T06:03:00.004-07:002018-10-06T06:17:18.717-07:00<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Iām no grief expert. Well, letās be honest ā Iām no expert
at all, but I have experienced some grief in my life. As a child I lost grandparents, as a
teenager I lost a good friend, and as a relatively new mother I lost my own mom.
Iām thankful that that is the extent of my losses. I canāt comprehend losing a
spouse or a child and I pray often that that never happens. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Itās been 7 years since that amazing October morning when my
mom left us for her true home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We
watched God answer her last prayer (at least that we know of) - that she would
not die at night in the dark. She died at the official sunrise time for October
13<sup>th</sup>. Of course there were many tears, but there was also so much
joy in that same moment. I donāt believe that anyone except believers in Jesus
can experience those two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">In my quiet time this morning I was reading in Psalm 66. Verse
10 says:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>āFor you, O God,
tested us; you refined us like silver.ā</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">As you can see by my blog title that āthe furnaceā was the
theme for that season of my life. It was a perfect description of what I was
living through because even though it was painful I also knew that it was going
to produce something wonderful. I just didnāt know how long that would take. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Psalm 66 goes on to say at the end of verse 12:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><b>āWe went through fire and water, but You brought us to a
place of abundance.ā</b><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I have these verses marked in my Bible. I even have arrows
that show the progression from verse 10 to verse 12, but somehow (because Iām
blind so often) I never applied that to myself and my journey. So this morning it
was kind of like a smack in the face. All of a sudden I thought, āwell duh
Brittany!!ā <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">This grief process is so strange and so ridiculously slow.
So slow in fact that you tend to not even realize you are on the other side of
it. Now Iām not saying that you are never sad anymore. Or that you donāt miss
that person immensely. Or that there arenāt going to be moments of acute grief.
In fact, anyone who has lost someone knows that the simplest of things can
trigger overwhelming sadness. But what I am saying is that there WILL come a
time when you realize that God has led you from that place of chronic despair
to a place of true abundance. Abundance that we know can only be found in Him.
How long that takes will be different for each person so donāt let anyone
dictate how long this process will take for you. This is a journey that the
Lord has YOU on. Let Him guide you and I promise that there will eventually
come a day where you will get a smack in the face like I did this morning. ;) <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #741b47; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I donāt write about this much anymore and even when I was
writing all the time it was because the Lord was obviously giving me thoughts
that I just had to get out. That happened this morning. I hope and pray that
this can give someone the energy to try to get through one more day in their
grief journey. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: #741b47;">As my mom kept saying that last week of her life, </span><span style="color: #38761d;">āHeās so
good Brittany. Heās just so good.ā </span><span style="color: #741b47;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
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<br />Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-28278346352603153562017-10-12T23:37:00.001-07:002017-10-12T23:38:09.882-07:00"Perhaps"...there is more??Can't sleep.<br />
<br />
Shocking, I know.<br />
<br />
Decided it's been a few years since I've read through my blog so why not?<br />
<br />
I made it to this one and if you want to really understand what I say next you will have to read this entry. And pay close attention to the reference to the word "<i><b>perhaps</b></i>".<br />
<br />
<a href="http://furnaceofaffliction.blogspot.com/2011/12/yet-for-loves-sake-part-2.html?spref=bl">The Furnace of Affliction: "Yet for love's sake" Part 2</a>:<br />
<br />
Ok, if you've ever had a conversation with me since this weekend in 2011 the possibility of hearing me talk about how the word "<b><i>perhaps</i></b>" has kinda changed my life is pretty high. (in fact, it may need to be my next tattoo ;))<br />
<br />
So as I'm rereading this blog entry I see something that God had apparently blinded my eyes to until this very moment.<br />
<br />
This verse:<b> <span style="background-color: #eeeeee;">P<span style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 16.1px;">hilemon 1:15: ā</span><span class="verse1" style="font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 14px;"><span lang="EN">For this <u>perhaps</u> is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,</span>ā</span></span></b><br />
<br />
For the past 6 years I've thought only about the word "<b><i>perhaps</i></b>" and how it has changed my attitide towards life in general because that was Beth emphasised also at the time, I wasn't really even noticing the rest of the words.<br />
<br />
There are so many "<b><i>perhaps [fill in the rest of the statement]</i></b>" as to why mom was taken when she was. I've tried to come up with some reasons of my own and I think some of them line up spiritually and so I think they could be legitimate, but there could ("perhaps") be so many more. I know we won't really know until we get to heaven, but it kinda excites me to discover what those reasons could be. I think it also gives me some more freedom to not have to nail down reasons for myself. I know we as humans always want to know all the details of why something happened so it can be hard not to have those definites. That's why the "<b><i>perhaps</i></b>" word stood out to me so much when it did and still does. But in another freeing way it means that there can be all kinds of other reasons that we may actually get to see some evidence of while here on earth. I dunno, that's just cool to me.<br />
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And I'll be honest for all of you who think I'm crazy. I know there is a possibility that none of this means anything and I'm just grasping for straws, but thankfully my Father can use anything-even straw grasping.<br />
<br />
<br />
But "<b><i>perhaps</i></b>" I'm not straw grasping.... :)Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-18755841592602051082015-10-08T16:30:00.001-07:002015-10-08T16:30:12.019-07:00Out of the "Furnace" I've just spent the last hour or so rereading this entire blog. Honestly I can't remember feeling or thinking half of what I wrote. It's amazing how that happens. It's been fun to look back and see all the little gifts that God gave me through the process. It's encouraging to see where I am compared to where I used to be.<br />
<br />
I've been out of this particular "furnace" for a while now. Of course there are times I'm sad and of course I still miss her, but overall, I'm doing well. God, as always, "is so good". I'm thankful that at the moment I don't have a furnace to go through.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
Instead I have watched friends that I love walk through their own furncaces. The kind that I pray I never have to walk through.<br />
<br />
I've witnessed the epitome of fear and faith in the same instant.<br />
<br />
I've begged God to take these people out of their furnace. I'm still begging actually.<br />
<br />
I've sobbed, screamed and prayed like I've never done before.<br />
<br />
I've thanked God for the healing that has already taken place.<br />
<br />
I've asked God to heal broken hearts.<br />
<br />
I've longed to take away their pain.<br />
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I've praised Him for the wonderous works He has performed through these furnaces, and the works I know are still to come.<br />
<br />
<br />
These "furnaces" change people. That's the point right? Tonight I thank God for how He has changed me and how He is changing the people in my life.<br />
<br />
And I want to encourage everyone else...<br />
<br />
If you feel like you are in a "furnace" right now, please know that there is a purpose for it. I know it sucks. I know you don't want to be in it. But if you let Him, God will grow you into something you could never have imagined.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;">O LORD, you are my God;</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;">I will exalt you and praise your name,</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;">for in perfect faithfulness you</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;">have done marvelous things.</span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;">Things planned long ago. </span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: blue;">Isaiah 25:1</span></i></div>
Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-91653932749436540442014-10-12T23:22:00.002-07:002014-10-12T23:25:42.242-07:00"I can hear..."At this time 3 years ago my "hero husband" was standing (or sitting) guard over my mom during her last night here on earth. It's something I will never forget and it's probably something he will never fully understand my gratitude for.<br />
<br />
I can remember that my dad, Margaret and I were so overcome with exhaustion but didn't want to go to bed. I can remember being curled up on the couch and my whole body crawling with that feeling of <i>I NEED SLEEP</i>!! Danny volunteered to sit with her while we got a few hours of sleep. Cindy had told him everything he needed to look for and that he was to text her the second things started to change.<br />
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I remember being woken up, seeing his face and knowing what it meant. I immediately went out to the living room to crawl into bed with her for the final time.<br />
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We woke up my dad and Margaret, and Cindy was there by that time.<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
I can't get these memories out of my head tonight (well, this morning) no matter how hard I try. On one hand I want to so that I can sleep. But on the other hand I don't want to because it takes me back to a time when she was still here with us, even if it was just barely.<br />
<br />
I can hear all the music:<br />
<br />
The Getty's (which is the soundtrack of those 5 Hospice weeks as a whole)<br />
Elvis Presley<br />
Leslie Gore's "It's My Party" (her favorite song)<br />
Countless hymns<br />
"O Crimson Flow" (which I still can hardly listen to)<br />
And of course the video for "Dance Your Shoes Off"<br />
<br />
I can hear the oxygen machine.<br />
<br />
I can hear the altered breathing.<br />
<br />
I can hear the laughter.<br />
<br />
I can hear the saddness.<br />
<br />
I can hear the fear.<br />
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I can hear the tears coming to the surface in my own body, but not being able to release them.<br />
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I can hear her breath slowing.<br />
<br />
I can hear God whispering to my heart, "she's with me now."<br />
<br />
I can hear her breath stopping.<br />
<br />
I can hear the cries of the people who loved her the most in this world.<br />
<br />
I can hear the news that her prayers were answered: she didn't die in the dark. The sun had officially risen.<br />
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I can hear the birds singing, which was one of her favorite sounds.<br />
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I can hear my heart breaking and the tears finally flowing because I had just lost my very best friend.<br />
<br />
<br />
...<br />
<br />
<br />
Even though I can still hear those things (especially on nights like this), I can also imagine her with the One she loved more than anything and the One she lived her life for. And truthfully, although it's hard at times, that fact makes up for all those other things I can still hear.<br />
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I can also hear that same One urging me into His word this morning to find comfort.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;"><b><i>"...weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." </i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: red; font-family: inherit;"><b><i>Psalm 30:5b</i></b></span></div>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75;"><b><i>"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, </i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75;"><b><i>because of your love and faithfulness."</i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #351c75;"><b><i>Psalm 115:1</i></b></span></div>
<b><i><br /></i></b>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><b><i>"They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."</i></b></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><b><i>Isaiah 35:10</i></b></span></div>
Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-62055211134997600272014-05-11T08:33:00.002-07:002014-05-11T08:38:22.256-07:00A Mother's Fingerprints<div class="MsoNormal">
While itās pointless to say that a mother leaves her
fingerprints on your life (whether for the good or for the bad), it is still
true. <o:p></o:p></div>
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The last few days I have spent either sick myself or taking
care of my sick daughter. In the moments of my sickness and pain all I wanted
was to have my mama here to take care of me. Iām discovering that desire is never
going to go away. But in those moments where I was taking care of Ansley all I
could think was, āI hope I am caring for her the same way my mom cared for me.ā
She loved and cared for me in a way that showed me she loved me with her whole
being, while still never crossing over that line to āchild-worshipā. We all
knew who owned the biggest piece of her heartā¦and it wasnāt me, or my dad. It
was Jesus. That may seem strange to some people, but itās the way it should be
and I never felt slighted for it. (although the fact that I never had to share
her with siblings probably helped ;) ) That is how I want to love my kids. I
want them to know how unbelievably grateful I am to God for giving them to me,
but I want them to grow up loving God more than anything and that wonāt happen
if they donāt see that from me. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Weāve done a lot of hanging around the house because of this
bug and itās given me an overabundance of time to think as Motherās Day
approached. Iāll be honest: if it wasnāt for Ansley and Zach I would just skip
this day altogether. I know this day is hard for many different people for many
different reasons. This is my 3<sup>rd</sup> Motherās Day without her, but it
feels just as painful as the first. There is just a gaping hole that no one can
fill. Iām not asking for pity, believe me. I sometimes feel guilty for how upset
I still can get. Itās just that in some ways this day really sucks. <o:p></o:p></div>
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Ok, hereās the backstory on the whole point of this post:<o:p></o:p></div>
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A cupole or so before my mom died I was working on a house
project. I was converting our office to a playroom. Normally my mom and I did
these projects together, but she was just too sick by this point to help. So my
dad and I did this one together while my mom slept in my bed. (that is still a
picture that is seared into my brain) At one point she got out of bed, came in
to check on us and for whatever reason just touched the paint to see if it was
dry. I donāt think I can explain why, but her doing that was just so āherā.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Well those fingerprints on my wall became very special to me.
I never had any desire to cover them up. It was her addition to our project and
it was just perfect. <o:p></o:p></div>
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A couple months ago Danny started a new job where he was
going to work from home. That meant the playroom needed to be converted back
into an office. Iām not exaggerating when I say I sobbed when thinking about
covering up my stripes and especially her fingerprints. (The whole project
itself had special Spiritual significance to me - if you want to read about it you can here: http://furnaceofaffliction.blogspot.com/2011/08/parable-of-playroom.html )</div>
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Danny told me he had a plan
thoughā¦and today he gave me the perfect Motherās Day gift. (It's kinda hard to see them, but I think you'll get the idea) Danny also has a way with words, just like my mom did. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNvipTPs7dmYrh0A1epuUgz_ZBRFuWsNVshLh2FQ2_dJWZNhDo8tqahsi9jxwbncTV7Bl1T8Z_s4i7AtsrKpXs6y5IY9gtuNQHMi3pqXyjTkSnp4ahOj-RN48dnRiG7-Wy_h1-bFpCcd50/s1600/photo+4.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNvipTPs7dmYrh0A1epuUgz_ZBRFuWsNVshLh2FQ2_dJWZNhDo8tqahsi9jxwbncTV7Bl1T8Z_s4i7AtsrKpXs6y5IY9gtuNQHMi3pqXyjTkSnp4ahOj-RN48dnRiG7-Wy_h1-bFpCcd50/s1600/photo+4.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
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While I am so glad that I have these fingerprints, I am even more glad to see how her fingerprints on my life have helped shape the person I am becoming. Thank you God for that woman. I can't wait to see you both. </div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br />Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-64888746105916533232013-08-03T20:27:00.003-07:002013-08-03T20:57:36.038-07:00"I love love love you"This is a phrase I have heard and read countless times in my life. It was how my mother usually signed any letters/cards/notes that she would write to me. I eventually began to reciprocate and it was a special saying between us. In fact it's something I've begun to do whenever I write in the kids blog.<br />
<br />
Ok, now to the other side of the story: I've always thought tattoo's were cool, just because of the detail and how beautiful they can be and I'd thought briefly about different ones I would want, but there was never anything I thought was important enough to me to have it put on my body for the rest of my life. In the last few years of my mom's life we joked about getting pink ribbons, but that was when we thought it would be a symbol of the battle she had won.<br />
<br />
Fast forward to the end of last year/beginning of this year - I can't remember exactly when it was. One of my closest friends, Mandy had a dream. One thing I love about Mandy is that she always shares with me any thoughts she has about my mom. I can't explain why it means so much to me, but it does. There we were, late at night, sitting in Starbucks, crying together because she had described her dream to me. The part of the dream that sparked this idea was that in the dream we were walking and my mom came to me and told me how much she missed me and how much she loved me. I'm not sure if it was an instant idea or if it came later to have this phrase tattoo'd on my wrist. Somewhere I could look down and see it at any time. I began doing some research on different artists, but more than that I began praying about it. I knew that this would a bit of a divisive subject so I only talked to a few people. I didn't need others opinions getting in my way. I try to live my life being led by the Spirit and most of the time I can hear and understand Him pretty clearly. Well, let me rephrase - I have learned very well when He says no. It's very clear and almost audible to me. I did talk to my dad about it and he thought it was a wonderful idea. I prayed and thought about it for a few months and then made the call to the artist I wanted a few months ago. In 3 different ways it put me at ease that he was who I was going with. 1. He was booked til July. That was still a couple months out. I figured he must be pretty good if that was the case. 2. I liked that it could be done right at our birthdays since that is obviously a special day for us. 3. It gave me even more time to pray about it.<br />
<br />
So last Friday, my husband and my 2 best friends came with me as I "got my ink" :) It didn't hurt as bad as I was expecting, although it didn't exactly feel good. It took way longer to find the perfect placement than it did to do the actual tattoo. It took 6-7 minutes top. Graham (at 8th Day Tattoo) was great. So helpful and patient as we made the decision on where to put it. W. e had sent him a copy of a letter from her so that he could transfer her exact handwriting on to my arm. The fact that it is her words and her handwriting makes it doubly perfecy<br />
<br />
Never once have I feel a moments hesitation about this decision. I have felt nothing but peace. And believe me, I do <b><u>not</u> </b>have peace when I'm doing something the Holy Spirit has told me He doesn't want me to do. I've told so many people over the past week how this is something I'm "never" going to grow out of. This isn't some "decision on a whim". This is something profoundly meaningful to me and I love having it to look at it. No matter what happens in my life, she will still have been my mother and she will still have loved loved loved me. How could I not want to be reminded of that every day?? It's been a week and I still look at it a dozen times a day and just smile.<br />
<br />
I am so grateful to my friends and family who have supported me in this decision. (They may not have necessarily agreed with it, but they still loved me.) It wasn't made lightly in any way shape or form.<br />
<br />
And I love love love my amazing mama!!!<br />
<br />
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<br />Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-25770005941503843672013-06-24T23:14:00.000-07:002013-06-24T23:14:04.926-07:00Sleepless nights...Missing my Mama more than I can stand...<br />
<br />
As much as I want to sleep, I dread the thought of laying in bed and not being able to stop thinking about her. (so it makes perfect sense that I would sit on the couch and write about her :/ )Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-53857836680534109632013-04-07T18:07:00.000-07:002013-04-07T18:07:29.827-07:00"Getting to the Other Side"For many months now I have felt that on any given day (heck, any given moment) I'm being submerged in 2 completely separate "furnaces" simultaneously. There have been some very dark moments, days and weeks. I've been so overwhelmed about life and so indifferent to life all at the same time. Really, there have been too many emotions, feelings, thoughts to even keep track of. <br />
<br />
I know that I am not alone in this. Life is hard for everyone at some point. It just so happens that right now is the hardest time in my life and I've been feeling like there is no way out. I take that back. I know that there will be an end to it, I've just been wondering if I'm going to be able to survive it. <br />
<br />
*** Enter God's grace and love ***<br />
<br />
Our church had been advertising the "Fresh Grounded Faith" women's conference with Jennifer Rothschild and Kathy Trocolli for quite a while. I had wanted to go, but because of other things decided it wasn't the best idea. However, a couple weeks ago a sweet friend insisted I attend and told me I had a place to stay too :) After talking with Danny, he also insisted I go. It had been one of the roughest weeks to date and as always God's timing was impeccable. <br />
<br />
So Friday night and Saturday morning I (along with a thousand other women) go to hear Jennifer talk about <em><strong>"Steps to getting to the other side (of whatever hardship you are in)".</strong></em> It was exactly the message I needed to hear at exactly the right time. God had readied my heart and my mind to speak His words of love and instruction to me. The passage she was teaching from was Mark 4:35-5:1. You may not be interested in all the steps, but I'm sharing anyway because someone else might need to hear this message also. <br />
<br />
<strong>1. Accept Jesus Invitation (v. 35</strong>) <br />
<br />
<em>He asked</em> the disciples to go to the other side of the sea. He always initiates the spiritual change in our lives. We may think we are doing it, but it's Him who actually is. He has always been the pursuer and He always will be. He doesn't "send us" to the other side. He wants to go with us. <br />
<br />
<strong>2. Leave the Crowd Behind (v.36)</strong> <br />
<br />
Our "crowd" of anger, bitterness, busyness, drama, victim mentality, fear, bad habits, insecurity, negative attitudes, perfectionism, etc... manipulates our hearts and our mind. It is the personification of faulty thinking. We were asked that if we had friends like these would we really stay their friend? So why do we keep them so close to us? She encouraged us to trust God more than our feelings. <br />
<br />
<strong>3. Journey With Others (v.36)</strong> <br />
<br />
Jesus didn't tell His disciples to go alone and He doesn't want us to go alone either. <br />
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<strong>4. "Take Jesus As He Is" (v.36) </strong><br />
<br />
We were asked to look at our lives an ask if we have created a God who fits our own needs and desires. We need to be willing to embrace Him for everything He is. One of the best quotes of the weekend was <em><span style="color: red;">"Jesus isn't 'I feel', 'I wish', or 'I think'...He is I AM"</span></em> <br />
We may not <u>want</u> the God that He is, but we <u>need</u> him to be the God that He is. <br />
And when we question why God hasn't changed a circumstance in our life, this was what Jennifer told us (and I loved this!!) "Even though he could do something about it, His authority has not deemed it the best thing for you."<br />
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<strong>5. "Expect Storms" (v.37) </strong><br />
<br />
We should never be surprised that storms hit our life. It's a part of being alive on this sin cursed world. Sometimes the only way to get to the other side is to encounter a storm. This goes along with the theme of my blog...she said <span style="color: purple;"><em>"sometimes He uses the rain from the storm to cleanse us and uses the wind from the storm to propel us forward."</em></span> When the storm comes, it's only because He knows you need to be cleansed and carried forward. This was another key statement (that our pastor actually touched on today<em><span style="color: purple;">)..."sometimes we try to take ourselves to the other side - but we need to let Him carry us".</span></em> <br />
In the story the disciples asked Jesus "do you not care?" She talked about how that question is very different from "do you care?". The first one is an accusation, the second is just a question. And I know how very guilty I am of being accusatory. And from reading this story we can see very clearly that He cares, because he was IN THE BOAT WITH THEM!! Just like He is with us. <br />
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<strong>6. "Look for Jesus" (v.38)</strong><br />
<br />
In the original Greek the word compassion was "com" = together with "pati" = to suffer. <br />
<br />
<strong>7. "Have the Right Kind of Fear" (v.39-41)</strong><br />
<br />
<strong><span style="color: blue;">Jesus could have rebuked the men for being afraid, but he didn't. Instead He rebuked the waves!!</span></strong> (loved that part too) <br />
<br />
There are 2 kinds of fear in any storm we go through: <br />
<ol>
<li>Natural panic (it's appropriate, we are human)</li>
<li>A reverence and awe of who God is. (that is the right kind of fear to have)</li>
</ol>
When we have the right kind of fear, the other kind doesn't seem so important,<br />
Another of my favorite snippets was <strong><em><span style="color: #351c75;">"we can have fear and faith at the same time".</span></em></strong> That really released me from a lot of guilt I think. And that even though He may not calm the storm that you are in, He will calm your heart during it. <br />
<br />
Then she went ahead to Mark 5:1 when we see that the disciples made it safely to the other side.:):) I love that the Word of God finishes the story. It's such an encouragement to me. <br />
<br />
I had never seen Kathy Trocolli before and even though I may not have enjoyed her music style very much, I loved her testimony and her message. Probably my VERY favorite thing all weekend was something she said very early on Friday night:<br />
<br />
<strong><span style="color: orange; font-size: large;"><em>"Sometimes we don't want to go through the 'passion' to get to the 'Resurrection' "</em></span></strong><br />
<br />
I am always in such a hurry and I don't want to go through the suffering to get to the glory that's in store for me. <br />
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After the conference I went to lunch with some sweet friends and it was just a continuation of the conference. We shared our struggles, our victories, our tears and lots of laughter. It was a wonderful time to see how God has worked in each others lives. And to lighten our loads just a little bit by letting each other carry some of the burden. I've grown to love women so deeply in the last few years. I am so glad that God made me a woman (even with all the stuff that goes along with it) <br />
<br />
I thought my "high" was over...but Sunday was coming. <br />
<br />
This morning's service was one of the best services I have ever been a part of. I'm sure my own willing heart had something to do with it, but I was really so drawn in to worship in a way I haven't been in a long time. The sermon, while not entirely related to my struggles, still encouraged, strengthened and challenged me deeply. I am so grateful to have a pastor who cares about God's people and is willing to follow the Spirit's prompting and change things up as needed. He asked if there were people who needed to take that step of faith to trust God and I could feel what Kathy Trocolli had called "the holy twist" in my gut. I knew that it was me God was talking to. I'm still scared, but like we learned this weekend...it's ok to have that fear and have faith at the same time. <br />
<br />
<br />
So as I'm continuing on my journey "to the other side" I am thankful for my husband, family and friends who have come along side me, but more than anything I am thankful for a Father who truly has pursued me my entire life and that He wants to go with me and carry me through this storm. My prayer is that I will let Him and stop trying to do everything myself. Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-76837301224423371692013-03-18T21:12:00.004-07:002013-03-18T21:17:19.864-07:00Dear Mama,<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Dear Mama,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Let me start off by saying that I am well aware that I
should be talking to my heavenly Father right now and not to you. Perhaps itās
guilt that Iām not. More than anything though I think itās just because I so desperately
miss talking to you and hearing your voice and your wisdom. While I may not get
to hear your response, for some reason I still need to ātalk to youā tonight.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The tears have just come in a floodā¦<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I miss you so much
Marmie!!! So much I can barely breathe. Iām ashamed to say that sometimes I canāt
even remember your voice. How is that possible? It hasnāt really been that
long! I hate that you arenāt here. I hate it so much I can hardly stand it. I
am so angry. So very angry. My heart is still so broken that I wonder if it is
ever going to mend. (there I go being melodramatic again ;) ) I want to hug you
for all the times that I didnāt hug you because Iām not a hugger. I wish I could
go back and spend those last few weeks sitting at your side 24 hours a day. I
know that other people needed time with you and I am glad they got that
opportunity, but in my own selfish way I wish that I had still been there. Of
course, back then I was so overwhelmed and didnāt know how to deal so I
withdrew like I still do much too often. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
There is so much I want to just spill out to someone. The problem
is I want that person to be you. I know I have Dannyā¦and Mandi, Mandy, Cindy,
Kristin and others, but I want it to be you!!!! I am struggling so hard right
now with addictions, with secret sins, with depression, with spiritual attacks
and convictions and itās all seeming to come to a head. You are the one person who
I could verbally open up to about my real inner weaknesses and it hurts so bad
that I canāt!!! I have tried to be comforted in the fact that Iām going to see
you again in Heaven, but Iāll be honestā¦yes, it makes me happy, but itās not a complete
comfort. In Heaven you arenāt going to be my Mama. This is a relationship we
are never going to have again and that may break my heart more than anything
else. Iām not sure if itās wrong for me to feel that way, but itās how Iām
feeling and I want you to know. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the midst of my turmoil and depression there are exciting
things happening. I have no doubt that you are aware of them, but I still wish
you could be here to celebrate with me. My first missions trip mom!!! It makes me so happy (and scared all at the
same time) You are the first person I wanted to call and the one person I couldnāt.
I so with we could be sharing all of this together. You would be so proud of
dad thoughā¦heās been such a support to me in this (which I believe you are aware
of too <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span> )<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I want to talk to you about Ansley and Zachā¦tell you how
they are changing. If Iām totally honest, I wish you could be here to see how
much they are changing. I gotta tell you thoughā¦Ansley has not forgotten you. Not
by a long shot. I believe that God is going to keep your memory alive in her
heart. I really do. Iāve made her an
album of pictures of just you and her so that she will have something to keep with
her always. And as for Zachā¦I donāt know how itās possible, but he talks about
you all the time too. One day we got to your house and his first question was āis
Mimi here?ā It really floored me. Literally, no exaggeration. I was stunned. I
donāt know how he remembers. Perhaps God is going to give him the gift of your
memory (small as it might be) also. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In my head I know that Godās plan is best and that this was
the path He chose for all of us, but mama in my heart Iām really struggling
with it. I know your response already so I guess in a way I can still hear your
response to me. Maybe I am more angry with Him than I have realized. Iāve been
trying to claim what I know to be trueā¦and just praying that my heart will
catch up. It just hasnāt happened yet. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I donāt know if you would approve of this or not, but Iām
doing it anyway; ) Iām getting a tattoo to remember you by <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span> You know how we always
said āI love love love youā. Well, Iām having that tattooed on my left wrist in
your handwriting so that I can look down at it whenever I want and have that
visual reminder of you and your amazing and unselfish love for me. Speaking ofā¦I donāt know how you were āyouā
with me. You were so unselfish and giving and loving. I just canāt seem to
reproduce this with Ansley and Zach!!! I feel like such a failure most of the
time. I donāt think Iām necessarily comparing myself to you because I know you
werenāt perfect, but you were such a good example and I miss it so terribly. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
More tears are flowing as I think of our memories together. Most
of the time I try to block them out because, well, thatās what I do. Itās what Iāve
always done. Hopefully someday I will really be able to let them flow and just
relive them. Maybe it will be like making new memories all over again. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Now that I think about it, I did relive a memory of ours
recently. I was thinking about the last time we were in the car together. It was
the date that the doctor told us it was time to go home, call hospice and
finish your time on Earth. We were driving on 95 and I reached over, took your
hand and we just held hands and cried. I pray that memory never fades even the
littlest bit. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was also recently thinking about when the funeral home came
to get you and how hard it was for them to take you out of the house. How I stopped
them a couple times just so I could look at you and kiss you a few more times.
What I wouldnāt give to kiss you nowā¦<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I wish I could write a letter that lasted forever so that I would
never have to stop this ācommunicationā. The thought of even ending this letter
breaks my heart to pieces. I thought I knew heartbreak. You thought you saw my
biggest heartbreak, but womanā¦you aināt seen nothing. I didnāt know the pain
could be this intense. Iāve said a couple times that I could literally feel the
physical pain of heartacheā¦but pain doesnāt even begin to describe what I feel
a lot of the time. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I know you are enjoying yourself in ways you never dreamed
possible and Iām so happy that you are. I truly canāt wait to join you there.
Even if you wonāt be my āmamaā you will still be my āsisterā and I guess I can
settle for that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I love love love you,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Brittany Lynn<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
Added: As I was finishing writing this letter...this song came on. I thought it was appropriate since it was one of your favorites :) And maybe not a response from you, but a response from my Father :)<br />
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Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-44749334901967092052013-02-25T23:51:00.002-08:002013-02-25T23:51:38.155-08:00Moms and DaughtersA few months ago I was in the car driving and I happened to see a mother and daughter in the car together. I know who they are and I knew what they were doing. They were just spending the day running errands together. Seeing that simple picture sent my head spinning. I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I was never going to get to just run errands in the car again with my mom ever again. I began to cry and then I remembered the last time we were in the car together. It was the day her oncologist told her that it was time to stop treatment, call Hospice and enjoy our time together. We were driving home, neither of us saying a word. I remember reaching over and taking her hand and just holding hands the rest of the way. It will be one of those moments I never forget. Thinking about that made me even more upset of course.<br />
<br />
Fast foward to a couple of weeks ago. I was running errands AGAIN and I saw this same mom and daughter AGAIN, doing the same thing. While there was a pang of sadness of course, the overwhelming emotion I felt was bitterness. Not bitterness towards them, just at the situation. I say "bitterness" because it's the best word I can think of, although I don't think it's 100% accurate. I hadn't realized the unhappy feelings brought on by seeing moms and daughters together. I know it's totally unfair and so un Christ-like to have those feelings, but that's what I'm dealing with right now.<br />
<br />
I shared this with my dad and he said he totally gets it. He's been in a pretty bad place lately. It seems like it's just getting worse for him. I wish there was something I could do. I've nagged him to the point that he is finally going back to church thankfully. I just can't imagine how lonely he must feel day after day. It truly does break my heart. I don't let myself think about it very often, perhaps I should though.<br />
<br />
Most days it still feels like it's not a reality. The only time it does feel real is Sunday's when my dad comes over alone. It's still hard to see him walk in the door alone. I'm wondering how long it will take to "feel real" on a day to day basis.Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-17952596234089351852012-11-04T18:05:00.000-08:002012-11-04T18:05:04.877-08:00More RefiningI know that the refining process is supposed to be a good thing and it is supposed to produce something good, but darnit...I'm tired of it. <br />
<br />
It's been quite a while since I've written. Things seemed to be going along pretty well until WHAM! I was blindsided by something that even though a part of me knew it would happen, another part of me thought it could never happen. And wouldn't you know, it coincided right with the 1 year anniversary of my mama's home-going. I also lost one of the most special ladies in my life during those few days also. At one point I was just wondering what was going to happen next...talk about overwhelmed. <br />
<br />
I wish I could just take my emotions for what they are and not try to always be analyzing them and trying to figure out every single minute detail. There are days when I'm happy, days I'm not so happy and days when I have no idea what I am thinking or feeling. I don't consiously feel stressed, but my body tells me that I am. <br />
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Today is one of those days that I mentioned before...a day where I don't know what I'm feeling. So it probably wasn't the best day to blog because I'm just not sure what to say. All I know for sure at this very minute is that God is faithful and He is going to walk me through this process, just as He has been <strike>walking, </strike>carrying me through the grieving process. I am thankful for that. Right now that has to be enough. Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-11108864056719841812012-08-18T16:50:00.004-07:002012-08-18T16:52:13.985-07:00FlashbacksIt's amazing how the most random things can trigger memories that bring searing pain in an instant. Or how seemingly nothing at all can happen and yet memories just jump into my mind at all hours of the day. <br />
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This has been happening a lot the last month or so. <br />
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I guess it probably started around my birthday. I have so many memories of birthdays spent with my "birthday twin" and particularly our last one. They are bittersweet memories because it was precious time and we knew we were never going to get to celebrate together again. <br />
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Since then however, it has become more random and much more frequent. A song, a smell, a Scripture passage, or as I said - nothing at all and I feel as if I'm reliving Late Summer/Early Fall of last year. I can see her exactly how she was: skinny, bruised and bald. Maybe at some point that isn't how I will "remember" her looking, but right now it is. Funny thing is, she only looked like that for 3 months out of her entire battle. I guess it was enough to make a lasting impression though. We listened to so much music and read so many passaged of God's Word that it seems like everything reminds me of those last 5 weeks. I can still hear the oxygen machine. I can still smell her protein drink. I can still see the pain in her face. I can still remember the fight in my own heart of wanting to keep her here, but wanting her to go even more. <br />
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I'm guessing the next couple of months will get worse where this is concerned. As "dates" start to mean more and more. The date of her last scans. The date the doctor told us there was nothing more to be done. The date the hospice nurse told us it wouldn't be more than a week. And of course the date where we said goodbye to her. Even the date of her Memorial Service, because it was such a beautiful day...in more ways than one. <br />
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My dad said it's been happening to him some too. <br />
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I have to be honest and say I like the memories. As sad a time as it was, it was still precious and holy time and I would relive it a thousand times. I like when I can just let myself fall totally back into that time for a little while and soak it in. I know these memories will fade with time, so I want to keep them alive as long as I can. <br />
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Today I got one of the biggest triggers I've had yet...<br />
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My Aunt Kay, who is one of my mom's dearest friends has been battling Parkinsons for a very long time. I knew that the medication wasn't working anymore and she was going to be having brain surgery. This morning when I woke up there was a voicemail from her. She had broken her hip and was at a rehab center. Her message was kind of confusing, but I knew instantly that I needed to see her. I was able to spend some wonderful time with her today talking and catching up. It was really like talking to my mom because they were so likeminded. I was so humbled by this woman who was in extreme pain while dealing with such a horrible disease and quoting Scripture to me in the midst of it. It was a beautiful thing.<br />
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There were just so many simliarities to her condition now and how my mom was. I couldn't help but think about it all over again. It broke my heart seeing her like she was, but I know God is using her in the lives of so many people.<br />
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I love getting to talk to my moms friends about her. It's so fun to get to talk to people who knew her just as well as I did. And I still love that so many people loved her. And that so many people still miss her so much. <br />
<br />Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-76685815958470284762012-06-27T01:13:00.003-07:002012-06-27T01:13:53.976-07:00Ups and Downs from the Book of Job<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">I couldnāt sleep tonight so I figured it would be a good time to catch up on some of my Bible Reading Plan. āJust so happensā Iām starting Job. :) As I was reading, certain verses began to jump out at me. I have so many friends suffering or going through trials right now so I figured I should start jotting it down. It turned into this. I apologize for the length.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Most of us know Jobās reputation, but in his honesty before God there were still questions and I hope this can be an encouragement to so many of you right now. This book has been such a source of comfort to me in the last year. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Just in case you donāt know how the story starts ā basically, Job loses everything except his life and he immediately says these beautiful words in Job 1:21, <em><strong>āThe LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.ā</strong></em> (we know that verse and we love it right?!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">However, in Job 3:24-26 he says, <strong><em>āFor sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.ā</em></strong> (Iād say those are pretty normal thoughts for someone facing a tough situation. I know Iāve been there in the last year. But somehow, knowing that someone like Job had those thoughts makes it easier to handle.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Now Jobās āfriendsā enter the pictureā¦their motives are right, but the way they go about it just isnāt exactly beneficial. However, one of his friends does give Job some encouragement:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">In Job 8:21-22 Bildad says,<strong><em> āHe will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips will shout with joy.ā</em></strong> (in the deepest part of our hearts I think we KNOW that this will happen again, there are just times that it seems like we will never get there. And Iām just praying that we will all take some comfort in the fact that we are fallible humans and we arenāt going to have the perfect thoughts and attitudes all of the time ā thatās what grace is all about!)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Job then responds to Bildad and <u><strong>IF</strong></u> Iām looking at this in the right context it was a new way for me to look at it. In Job 9:32-33 he says, <strong><em>āHe (God) is not a man like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court. If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both.ā</em></strong> (PRAISE JESUS, those of us believers who live this side of Calvary DO have that personā¦we have Christās own Sprit inside of us!!! We no longer have any block between us and the Creator Himself.)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">We donāt often quote verses like Job 10:1 that says, <strong><em>āI loathe my very life, therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.ā</em></strong> (not very encouraging on the surface, but if you think about it ā it is so encouraging!!! We have a Father who WANTS to hear our complaints. He wants us to be completely and totally honest with Him. We can say things to Him that we would never dream of telling another human being about the situation we have found ourselves. I know Iāve done it! So go to Him! Tell Him! Cry to Him! Complain to Him! He knows your heart anywayā¦.He just wants you to trust Him enough to be open at His throne of grace. On the flip side, I do want to caution you against cursing God ā that is never appropriate)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">After quite a bit of accusations from his friends that sin had caused this suffering and quite a bit of Job asking his friends why they keep being so cruel, we get to these beautiful words in Job 19:25-27, <strong><em>āI know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes ā I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!</em></strong> (What a great time to look forward to right??? So when āfriendsā or the āenemyā<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>- sometimes one in the same unfortunately ā try to make you feel that you did something to cause this trial you can take heart in the words of Job 12:13, <strong><em>āTo God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are hisā.</em></strong> Or in Job 28:20-21,23-24 where he says, <strong><em>āWhere then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell? It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the airā¦God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens.ā </em></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Such beautiful words above to something as heartbreaking as this from Job 30:20, <strong><em>āI cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer, I stand up, but you merely look at me.ā</em></strong><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(sound familiar to anyone else??)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">After some much more pointed questioning by his friends, God steps in and asks Job some of His own questions. Questions like <strong><em>āWhere were you when I laid the earthās foundations? Tell me if you understand.ā</em></strong> (Job 38:4) The point of all these questions was to prove to Job that He was in fact in control. Yes, Job did a lot of questioning. Yes, we do a lot of questioning. There will be times for that. God knows that. Yes, He wants us to trust Him at all times, but He does also understand our humanness!! There will be times we just donāt understand. Heck, we ācanātā understand. We werenāt there when the earthās foundation was laid so of course we canāt!! But in one breath we tell God we donāt understand, in the next breath ask Him to help our unbelief and He will!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">When Job responds to the LORD in Job 42:2, he says, <strong><em>āI know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, āWho is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?ā Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, āListen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.ā<span style="font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;">My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. </span></span></em></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">Sometimes, unfortunately it takes tragedy for us to truly see God for who He is. I pray that we will all continue to see that as we face the path He has set for us. Iām not trying to preach at anyone because God know I am still dealing with these issues myself. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Trebuchet MS", sans-serif;">And just because I spent this time in Job, I want to share one of my favorite passages from this book <span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J<span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><em><span style="color: #38761d; font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="verse2"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica", "sans-serif";">After all, heās famous for great and unexpected acts; thereās no end to his surprises...True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wound; the same hand that hurts you, heals you. From one disaster after another he delivers you; no matter what the calamity, the evil canāt touch you.</span></span></span></em></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><em><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: "Helvetica Neue", Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><span class="verse2"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica", "sans-serif";">Job 5:9, 18-19 (The Message)</span></span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "Helvetica", "sans-serif";"></span></span></span></em></span></div>
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<br /></div>Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-35876692748115057672012-04-03T11:56:00.000-07:002012-04-03T11:56:07.048-07:00"Lighter"<em>"God is soooo good. He's so good</em>." - Those are the words I will always think of when I think of my mom's last few days. She didn't say many coherent things and sometimes even these sentences weren't very coherent, but this was her lasting message...to me at least. <br />
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And He is good. Sooooo good.<br />
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His timing is perfect and for about 6 months now I've been trying to hurry up this grieving thing. It just hasn't gone how I thought it would or in the timeframe I had in mind. I've been asking for the ability to really cry and release all those feelings inside. This is one of those times I've had to really wait for a "yes" answer. But thankfully, He has finally given me that answer I so desperately wanted. <br />
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I've done a lot of crying in the past couple of weeks. A lot of genuine, loud and overdue crying. I've even done it in front of Danny!! It took every ounce of strength I had not to run from the room as the tears started, but God held me down on that couch so that I could be vulnerable and real in front of my husband. And I am so glad I was. He needs to know what is going on inside me and thankfully now I can at least release it in tears. I was able to do some talking too though :) <br />
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At GriefShare on Sunday night someone shared a little quote they had heard, which led to someone talking about a song that went along with the quote, which led to the song being played. I was out of there as fast as I could possibly get because I knew that the emotion was on it's way to the surface. Thankfully I got home to an empty house which gave me some time to spend talking and crying out to my Father. The quote and the song that had been talked about mentioned hearing the persons voice for the last time. I got to thinking that it had been a while since I'd heard her voice so I came to the computer and began to listen to some of her recordings. As I listened I began to sob. And then that block that had been in my spirit was simply gone and I could finally literally cry out to God. I told Him everything that was feeling and I actually asked Him "why". I didn't think that I was feeling that, but apparently I was because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying to Him...I was just talking. At one point I asked Him to tell her that I loved her. Instantly I felt this calm around me as if He was saying, "you go ahead and tell her, she can hear you." So I did. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I've been encouraged to talk to her in the past but it just felt too weird to do. But again, I wasn't "thinking" this time, I was just doing and it just felt like the right thing to do. Whether she did actually hear me or not, I have no idea, but it was nice to just say it. (however, sitting here typing I have no desire to start talking to her - I guess it's about listening to the Spirit as He guides) <br />
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I'm just lighter. So much of that pressure that has been building for the past 6 months is gone. I'm sure there is more to come and I really am so glad that He is allowing me to experience what I've been longing to experience. I'm sure it sounds weird to think that someone is longing to cry and bawl like a baby, but it's what I've been longing for.<br />
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<em>"God is soooo good. He's so good</em>."Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-75833440088136414182012-02-20T20:06:00.000-08:002012-02-20T20:06:33.702-08:00Being thankfulLast night in GriefShare the session was about "Why?". Honestly, that's not a question I've asked a whole lot in regards to myself. I've wondered why He would take her away from Ansley and Zach, but I can see reasons why He would have taken her from me. It's comforting to <em>kind of</em> have some answers to the "why's". Not all of them of course, but at least in regards to me. Maybe God will be gracious and let me get to see the answers to some of the the "why's" about Ansley and Zach too.<br />
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But then we got to talking about being thankful and how it's hard to be sad when you are concentrating on being grateful, honestly I didn't think much about it last night. Just now though as I was doing my Bible Study and reading some Grief Share emails the Holy Spirit put a thought into my head. I AM thankful that it happened when it did. Yes, I would have preferred it be when I'm 60 something years old like it "normally" does, but I am very glad it didn't happen 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or when I was a young girl. I won't pressume to know how I would have reacted, but I have a pretty good feeling that I would not have reacted the way I have at this point in my walk with God. I think it probably would have driven me farther from God than I was at those times. 5 years ago God had gotten ahold of me and I had turned back to Him. I was still in such a fragil state and not getting a lot of encouragement from anyone around me. That would have been such a bad time to lose her because God used her so much in these last 5 years to encourage, lead and help me. I'm <u>really</u> glad it didn't happen 10 years ago because I was so far away from God at that point that I may have never turned back to Him. I'm also glad it didn't happen 5 years from now (or more), when Ansley and Zach would have been more severely affected by her loss. I don't think it's going to affect Zach at all, but I do think it's already affecting Ansley. She is asking questions and making comments that just throw me for a loop at how she is thinking about these kinds of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if she had to die, He picked the perfect time. I know, big shock right? :) I have to say, thinking that way makes me feel just a little bit lighter. <br />
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This weekend was my first scrapping trip without her and thankfully it went just about how I wanted. As I was packing up the car by myself and riding down on Thursday I was feeling extremely lonely and sad. And just out of sorts. When I got there and started setting my stuff up it just felt weird. When Diana came and hugged me so tight I started to cry just a little bit and then that was it. I had a fantastic weekend and accomplished something (The Ropes Course) that I really didn't think I was going to be able to do from down on the ground. It sounds kinda silly, but I kept thinking about my mom and how much she would like to have seen me do this and I just set my mind on finishing it...and I did, and it was a blast :):)!! Oh and I kicked butt at it too if I do say so myself ;)<br />
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I worked on a small album of the family pictures we took in August. That did put me in a bit of a mood. I just turned my music up and didn't talk to anyone while I worked on it. I finished it about 3am on Sunday morning :) All in all, it was a good first trip without her. I wanted to miss her and I did, but I wasn't miserable and I had a lot of fun!<br />
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When I got home yesterday I showed Ansley the album of those pictures. I'm not sure if it confused her or what because a few minutes later she asked if Mimi was at home with Poppy and her hair was growing again. It kinda shocked me and it took me a few seconds to remind her that Mimi was in Heaven at home with Jesus. Then she said the most heartbreaking thing. She said, "but Poppy wants her to be home with him". Once again, I just didnt' know what to say. So I told her that I wanted her here too, but that God knows what is best and He decided it was time for her to be with Him in Heaven. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, but she is definitely starting to be more curious. <br />
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One thing that was said last night is that maybe sometimes God allows the suffering of our loved ones to help us let go. I think that is so true. You are so much more ready to see them leave because you know it means no more suffering for them. As hard as it is to watch, maybe it does make the letting go easier. <br />
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There were so many things from last nights session that were just fantastic. I am so glad to be a part of this group!<br />
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I'm also thankful for all the new lessons I'm learning through this. These to me are some of the "why" answers. I'm just learning and experiencing things I never would have gotten to experience without going through this trial. Like I was reading tonight for BSF:<em><strong> "...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthins 4:17)</strong></em><br />
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<strong><em>Thank you God for never wasting anything about our life experiences!</em></strong>Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-24739691148719774912012-02-15T19:54:00.000-08:002012-02-15T19:54:56.905-08:00We are beginning to have to make some important decisions about Ansley's education. Well, we don't have to make the decision right now, but the time is getting closer. On one hand I would really like to talk to my mom and get her opinion on things and seek her wisdom. But on the other hand there is this relief of pressure (for lack of a better term) that she will approve of our decisions. I've said before how I used her as my human Holy Spirit. This was never a role that I don't think she even realized I had given her. Well, it's some how freeing to know that I don't need her approval anymore. I think to a certain extent we all seek the approval of our parents and that's not wrong in itself. I just know that in my case if she said it was ok than I took that as the Lord saying "yes" to me. Maybe "it" was "ok", but it still doesn't mean it was His plan for me.<br />
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Maybe at times it will be harder because I will never know if I would have had her approval on certain things. It's just so strange to me how I can miss something so much (my mom) and at the same time be kinda glad that I don't need it (her approval) anymore. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I shared it with my dad and my Aunt Margaret and they seemed to get it :) I think a lot of us looked to my mom for her approval on things - maybe not even intentionally. I'm sure we are all learning to lean on the Father more than ever before. <br />
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I was talking to my BSF leader today and realized something else. When I heard about ILC about a year ago I was so excited because I knew that God had answered a pray of mine...just in His way, not mine :) Well, I love how He can answer the prayers of His people and at the same time lead them to a place where they are going to be ministered to in a way they never would have otherwise. God has put 2 specific women in my life this year who have both lost their mothers and God has used them in very specific ways to encourage me and help me along this journey. Cami is in my discussion group at BSF and Kristin is one of the teachers I help at ILC. I just think it's the coolest thing that I thought God was answering a longtime prayer for me at the same time He was answering an unknown prayer of mine because I didn't know that I was going to need these women. I'm just continually amazed at how cool He is and how He works out all the little details. It's this kind of love and "attention to detail" that just proves His existence. <br />
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A couple weeks ago I had my first dream about my mom. I don't remember if the dream was good or bad. What I do remember is being woken up suddenly by Ansley...right in the middle of my dream. I was so upset I couldn't even stand it. I know she didn't mean anything by it - she was just doing her normal morning thing, but I felt myself being angry at her because she had taken me away from my mom. I spent most of that day in a real funk. I had another dream a few nights later and while I don't remember the details (I never do), I do know that it was a good dream and I got to finish it this time!!! :):) God is good in so many ways. <br />
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This weekend (starting tomorrow)...well, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm wondering if it's one of those things that I'm setting myself up for this huge emotional time and it's going to end up being nothing. It's our annual Scrapbooking Retreat and this is the first time I'll be going scrapbooking without my mom. Now, normally on most trips she would just annoy me to death because she would always lose her tools or she would NEVER make a decison (can't help but smile at that) or she would just wander around aimlessly. I would normally get annoyed and we would have some kind of tif. Well last year I knew that barring a miracle it was going to be our last trip so I prayed that God would give us a great time together. And HE DID!!! We had beautiful weather the entire time, we sat outside on the big wrap around porch in rocking chairs and talked and cried together. We never fought once and I never even got the slightest bit annoyed! We had the funniest times together at night sleeping on couches in the common room because her sister snored so loud. We would giggle together and wrap up in blankets and head to the leather couches. It was just the most wonderful time. This time however, I have to drive down alone and I won't have my mom sitting next to me or sleeping next to me. Yes, I will have my friends and my aunts...but it's not going to be the same. I was telling Jenny today, "I want to miss her in a happy way". I want to feel an ache, feel that something is missing, but at the same time I want to have some fun, relax and be productive. I'm just not sure where that balance is. It's just still so hard to believe she's gone....pretty sure I'm going to be saying that for a very long time :(Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-83383139836985252472012-01-30T19:31:00.000-08:002012-01-30T19:31:14.641-08:00"All My Praise"<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So itās been quite a while since I last took some time to write. Iāve wanted to many times, but it was just too much work somehow to put my thoughts to paper (or screen) </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> God has been working on so many themes in my life the last few weeks. The main one being that to put it simply, I just need to praise Him more. One Sunday morning while reading my devotional I read this:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em><span style="color: magenta;">It is impossible to praise or thank me too much. As it is written, I inhabit the praises of my people. Sometimes your adoration is a spontaneous overflow of joy, in response to radiant beauty or rich blessings. At other times your praise is more disciplined and measured ā an act of your will. I dwell equally in both types of praise. </span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And then that day in the service our worship pastor sang a song that just reaffirmed the message I had been given that morning. It was pretty great. It was about that time I began to realize how much I had fallen into that āself centeredā trap. I had been so focused on how I hadnāt done and reacted how I wish I had that I hadnāt taken any time to thank God for how He had in fact been carrying me. I may have been fighting it, but that doesnāt take away from the fact that He was still doing it. I just began to think Him for that and it was amazing how quickly my attitude began to change. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The theme of praising Him during this time has continued since then. It is so comforting to know that He is right there, gently and lovingly speaking to me and singing over me. Yes, Iām still not totally happy with Him in this area of my life and havenāt exactly figured out what emotion it is ā but I still feel so overwhelmingly loved by Him. That doesnāt even make sense in my brain how I could have such conflicting emotions, but I guess that is what grief is about. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I started GriefShare a few weeks ago also. It isnāt exactly how I thought it would be, but I do really enjoy getting to talk about my mom to people who didnāt know her. It makes it feel that she is still alive or something. I enjoy getting to hear what the others have to say and to just know that Iām not crazy for how Iām feeling. The main rule is to never compare your grief to anyone elseās but thatās hard for me. A lot of these people have lost multiple people, spouses and children and it makes me feel guilty somehow. The homework has been good because it asks questions I donāt think I would have thought to askā¦at least not this early. Iām excited about continuing it. My dad is doing it at his church also. He isnāt liking it quite as much as I am, but Iām hoping he will continue to go and be open to how it can help him. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I feel so guilty because I am just not being what my dad needs. He wants to talk about how he is feeling and Iām just being so selfish and not doing that very much. Heās in such a bad place and I want to be there for him, itās just so hard to talk about it to him! I donāt even know why. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Iāve been praying that God would give me the strength to get out of my comfort zone and just do what he needs. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I started writing this on Friday night while waiting for David Platt to speak at the Pastorās Conference. Once again, it was good timing. As we were singing before the sermon there was a song that talked about joy. I canāt remember the name of the song, but I do remember at that moment saying a quick prayer asking God to give me back that joy that I was experiencing up until her death. Thenā¦what were some of the first words out of David Plattās mouth??? āDo you need joy in the middle of your circumstances?ā (or something to that effect. ) Tears just welled up in my eyes because ONCE AGAIN Jesus was just proving to me that He is right here with me, comforting me and loving me. It was very cool! </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Now it is Monday nightā¦Iāve just read the first book in a 4 book series on grief that someone let me borrow. I figuredā¦I just need to get out all of these things that Iāve been thinking, feeling, experiencing. The last couple of days Iāve just not been able to stop thinking about my mom. Iām not even sure if itās sadness that Iām feeling. I guess it is, but it doesnāt totally feel like that. I just keep thinking about her and all kinds of random things. I like thinking about her, but I also donāt like it.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Last week Ansley and I were talking and she asked me if Mimi had hair now. She just melted my heart with that one. I was able to tell her that yes she does! It was another chance to plant a seed also. Itās just one more way how God can take something ābadā and use it for good. We would probably not have had these kinds of personal conversations about heaven and eternity at this point in her life if this hadnāt happened. Just very cool to think that her death could be something that God uses to draw Ansley to Himself. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">A couple of weeks ago I finished C.S. Lewisās book, āA Grief Observedā. It was fantastic! It is normally very hard for me to read his writing, but this book was so different! I never knew that his wife had died, I actually never knew that he had even been married. I know itās not right to compare ourselves to other humans, but numerous times I felt myself thinking, āwell if he felt this way than itās ok that I feel this wayā </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> This was just one of the excerpts I have highlighted in the book, but itās probably one of my favorites<span style="color: magenta;">:</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><em><span style="color: magenta;">āIt was too perfect to lastā, so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic- as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (āNone of that here!ā). As if He were like the Hostess at a sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean āThis had reached its proper perfections. This had become what it has in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.ā As if God said, āGood, you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.ā When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoy doing them you will not be set them much longer. The teacher moves you on.</span> </em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Good stuff!!!!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Iām trying not to spend all my time reading grief related things. Iām kinda spacing it out some, little doses I guess. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Something that was harder than I thought it was going to beā¦ I deleted her FaceBook account today. It was really really hard to hit that deactivate button.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess somehow it was just one more access point I had with her that is now gone. I still havenāt deleted her name out of my phone. Not sure Iāll ever be able to do that. Also today I was entering all our receipts for last year for our taxes. I started in January and it was like I was taking the journey of 2011 all over again. There were receipts from our trip to see the specialist in Charlotte. Receipts from our family trip to New Jersey. Receipts from getting lunch at her first chemo. Receipts from the hospital when she broke her collar bone in July. Receipts from the day of our last ever Birthday celebration. Receipts from all the fast food I ate while staying at their house the last month of her life. It was very heavy, for lack of a better term. All the memories came back and this time I didnāt try to squash them. I purposely relived them. Some good memories, some badā¦but somehow they all feel bad, or I guess just sad. It definitely has put me in somewhat of a funk though. Hard to shake it. I guess this is just going to be a down time for me right now. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think thatās about all I can stand to write. Now I will try to treat my grief with some Oreos and milk </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span></div>Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-81365902177628147972012-01-03T12:08:00.000-08:002012-01-03T12:08:12.075-08:00Good timingGod is so faithful...even when I'm being such a "poopyhead" as Ansley would say. <br />
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I've been so back and forth lately. I've not run "away" from Him, I'm just definitely not running "to" Him. I want to so badly - I'm just not. Once again there is still this internal fight and it's just one more thing I'm totally confused about. I've really felt the last few days as if I'm in a black hole or something. Christmas wasn't so bad, but for some reason New Years was. I've tried hard to figure out why and I think because somehow it's an ending. I know it's just an ending to the year, but I guess there is a part of me that thinks that maybe other people will look at me and think "this happened last year, she needs to get over it." I'm sure they won't, but yes, I still care way too much what other people think of me and how I deal with things. I don't want it to be over. I don't ever want it to be over. I'm a wallower and I guess I just still feel like wallowing. Actually, not really even sure I've started wallowing yet since it still doesn't feel totally real yet. I dunno, like I said - I'm pretty confused right now. <br />
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Ok, now on to why I actually sat down to write:<br />
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In our BSF lesson this week (or past few weeks actually) we've been in Hebrews 11-13. I did Hebrews 11 before Christmas so it's chapters 12 and 13 that I've been looking at the last few days. God never fails to say something to me, the question is whether or not I'm listening. I am actually listening...even if I'm not necessarily talking back. <br />
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Ok, well in 12:3 it says: <em>"Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."</em><br />
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It really jumped out at me. When I really stop and meditate on what Christ endured for me - not just for eternal life, but also for the strength to persevere (that's been a big "theme" for me lately also) I'm just pretty overwhelmed. And like I said before: I want to rely on Him every second of every day and I'm just not. And I don't understand the disconnect. <br />
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Moving to today...we had to list specific ways to put certain exhortations into practice. This one got my attention, but not until after the fact. In chapter 13 verses 5 and 6 it talks about being content. This is what I wrote as my specific ways: <em>"Thank God for everything He has given me and don't focus on what others have that I don't".</em> Well...once I wrote that down I realized I should be saying those things about my mom. That wasn't what I was thinking when I wrote it but I realized it could have been. I need to be thankful for all that God has given me(a husband, wonderful kids, a great family and amazing friends) and that He did give me an amazing mother for 32 years and I don't need to be concentrating on the fact that all my friends still have their moms and how jealous that makes me. <br />
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After I finished my lesson for today I just sat there...still not talking to God. Well, I kinda was I guess - but it was just a mess. I saw my mom's Bible and figured now was as good a time as any to look through it. I found some sweet things written in it and as I got to the back there was a card from me and one from my dad. Boy oh boy did reading the one from my dad bring some water works!! But the one from me I thought was just perfect timing. I won't write the whole thing out, just the end. "<strong><em>Because of all the ways you've cared, I know I'm a better person...I know I'm better prepared for whatever life has to offer."</em></strong> This was written in October of 1997 (which was a really heartbreaking year for me), but I got to thinking that her example and all that she taught me has helped prepare me for this season of life. I sure never thought that this would be happening so soon, but God did so He allowed her to be a part of the preparation and I think that's pretty cool. <br />
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Ok...I think I'll go cry some more now :)Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-10872371077950461932011-12-24T09:25:00.000-08:002011-12-24T09:25:23.101-08:00I don't even know where to begin. Mostly because I am in a phase right now where I could not even begin to tell you what is going on in my brain. I've wanted to come and write a few times, but it was just impossible to put into words what I was thinking. Even now - I'm just kind of blank. <br />
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I've had a couple of emotional breakdowns in some odd places the last couple of weeks :(<br />
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I had a doctor's appt on the 13th (which was the 2 month anniversary). After the nurse who shouldn't be allowed to communicate with people made me feel "something" (again, not sure of the right word) and then I had to answer questions about BC history I just kind of melted down - in front of my doctor. I actually think it was a good thing because she was able to see "where I am". We are gonna try some medicine to help me through the next few months. So far it has really upset my stomach, I'm hoping that won't last long. I don't think it could have made a difference this fast, but Danny thinks I seem "better" for lack of a better word. <br />
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My 2nd breakdown was when I picked up the RX this week. The pharmacist asked if I had taken this before and I told her no. She immediately got this look of pity and said, "you'll feel better in a couple days" - and I immediately burst into tears. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it I guess. I guess we'll just see how it goes. <br />
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I've really not been looking forward to this weekend. Maybe starting the medicine when I did will be helpful especially now. <br />
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I got to thinking this morning that my mom is getting to celebrate the ultimate Christmas and that made me happy for a little bit :) I'm trying to hard to concentrate on the good things in my life - it's just really hard sometimes.Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-33544482116474593782011-12-10T05:59:00.000-08:002011-12-10T05:59:48.581-08:00A year ago......it was a year ago that we found out my mom's cancer had returned. <br />
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The night before we had been encouraging her to go the doctor because she had been coughing for a couple months and we thought she had pneumonia. She called me that Monday morning and told me she was having an Xray. I waited all afternoon to hear back from her and she never called. <br />
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I was driving to an ornament party and just knew something wasn't right because she hadn't called. So I called her and she still wouldn't talk about the xray. Finally I had to ask her and that's when she told me that the cancer had come back in her lungs. It was like a stab in the heart. I even remember where I was - I was on Blanding between Wells Rd. and 295. It's like a picture got snapped at that moment. <br />
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It was a few days later they told us there was nothing they could do and that she may have a month. I rememer just not being able to grasp that concept. Thankfully though they did try some radiation and it helped a lot for a while. So instead of a month, we got 10 months :):) <br />
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I do still struggle with "why" but like we learned last weekend in Pensacola, the best answer is "Perhaps...". There could be any number of reasons and I don't need to know why. Yes, I do still want to know, but I don't need to know. I'm <em>trying</em> really hard to just trust God in all of it. I seemed to not have much of a problem before she died, but now it's a whole lot harder. <br />
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We were watching a Veggie Tales the other day and the closing scripture was Hebrews 10:36 - <strong><em>"You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."</em></strong><br />
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Yeah, I don't think I heard one word from that whole episode until the very end. It was so for me.Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-53238195612612991632011-12-08T13:03:00.000-08:002011-12-08T13:03:26.980-08:00Progress...Not sure if "progress" is the right term or not. I guess it is...I'm seeing progress in this process. Normally "progress" has a more positive conotation to it though and I'm not sure I feel positve right now. <br />
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Up until a couple weeks ago it was like I coudn't force myself to cry. Now however, I basically cry off and on all day. Isn't it just like a woman to ask for something to happen and then complain when it does? :) Actually, I'm not complaining about it. In fact I'm very glad that the emotions have finally surfaced. I guess I had just packed so many in there that they finally started seeping out. Sometimes it's a trickle, sometimes it's a geyser. <br />
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As Christmas gets closer I get more and more sad. I talked to my dad last night and we both agreed that we didn't want to be at his house. It would just be so "in your face" that someone was missing. Just thinking about being there without her makes me cry. I was there Monday night and it's just so off. :(<br />
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It's not just Christmas though that makes me sad. I'm just plain sad. And the word "sad" really comes nowhere close to how I feel. There is just an emptiness. My heart is broken. I know that God comforts and binds up the broken hearted and I do take comfort in that, but it's hard to see right now how my heart could ever be fully mended. My mom and best friend in the entire world is just gone. Even though it's getting more real, it's still seems so bizarre to say. <br />
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She had done some recordings for us on her own. I started listening to them the other day. I laughed so hard because these recordings were just so "her"...and then I cried so hard because I wasn't going to experience "her" again in this life. Maybe it was too early to listen to them, I don't know. I haven't since and right now I don't have a desire to again anytime soon. Baby steps I guess. <br />
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Danny told me that when I put the kids to bed at night it's like a switch goes off with me and I turn into a different person. I hadn't really thought about it until he said it, but it makes sense. During the day it's pretty easy to be distracted with tending to 2 little ones. But once they are in bed it's just like, "Bam!"...your mom is dead and now you have all the time in the world to dwell on it. I feel badly because I don't talk to Danny much about it. I don't really talk to anyone actually. I will at some point. Writing here is the best outlet I have right now. I just have such a hard time talking about feelings like this. I want to so badly...I try to make myself. I actually fight with myself, but the words just don't come out. <br />
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Satan has been attacking with the whole guilt thing. I should have done more of this, less of that. I should have said this more...that kind of thing. I keep reliving the last few days over and over again. I'm assuming all that is normal. Not sure if it's healthy though? <br />
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I guess yeah, it is progress. That whole "5 Stages" thing. I guess maybe I thought that since it was happening gradually it wouldn't be so hard after, but boy was I wrong!!! I am so glad though that we had that time together. I wouldn't have traded it for anything.Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-43129417684189165802011-12-03T21:20:00.001-08:002011-12-03T21:21:33.836-08:00"Yet for love's sake" Part 2<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Well, today was a pretty darn good day. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We got to the conference in PLENTY of timeā¦we were able to get front row(of our section) seats and they were better than last night. I got a chance to visit with a sweet friend I very rarely get to see too. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The praise team began with more Christmas music. It was so fantastic. That man (Travis Cottrell) can just flat out sing. Actually when Beth Moore got up to speak she said something like, āpeople wonder if <span style="color: black;">that ever gets old to us and trust me, it never does.ā </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Even during the Christmas music, God was just speaking all over me!! I love āJoy to the Worldā and particularly the last verse:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #336699; line-height: 115%;"><em><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He rules the world with truth and grace,<br />
And makes the nations prove<br />
The glories of His righteousness,<br />
And wonders of His love,<br />
And wonders of His love,<br />
And wonders, wonders, of His love.</span></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #336699; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Well today while singing it, it kinda said something Iād never āheardā before. That He MAKES the nations prove His glory and the wonder of His love. I guess for this season of life it was encouraging to hear. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #336699; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Then he sang āO Holy Nightā. This was my momās favorite Christmas song. As he was singing it I was trying really hard to use my imagination to imagine that night. And I really felt for a while like I was able to see and feel how that night happened. Iām sure it didnāt happen exactly like I was imagining, but it was neat to just stop for a few minutes and really put myself there. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #336699; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He sang another song Iād never heard before and it was after that one that Beth made the above comment. Worship this weekend was just PHENOMENAL!!! There are seriously no words to describe it!</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: #336699; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Now on to the teaching!! Within the first 5 minutes I was crying because she was talking about moms and actually asked people who had lost their moms to raise their hands. She told a story that was an encouragement because now I know that in 40 years I am going to miss her just as much as I do today. </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><span style="color: #336699; line-height: 115%;"><span style="color: black;">Iāll be honestā¦after last nightās session I was kind of wondering what it was that God had for me. I was trying to figure it out and not coming up with anything. Well today I definitely got spoken to!! Probably the thing I liked the most was from Philemon 1:15: ā</span></span><span class="verse1"><span lang="EN" style="color: #333333; mso-ansi-language: EN;">For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,</span>ā The point being that we wonāt know this side of Heaven what the reason is for whatever God has chosen or allowed for us, but that āperhapsā it could be any number of things. That is just very freeing. A few of the other snippets were:</span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: red;"><em><strong><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We can live with pain better than we can live with purposelessness. </span></strong></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="color: red;"><em><strong><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">That which makes us the most joyful isnāt always what makes us the most useful. </span></strong></em></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><em><strong><span style="color: black; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">You will never be more like Christ than when you grace someone who does not deserve it</span></strong></em></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Iāve never studied Philemon before and I really found it fascinating. I learned a lot that I had never known. Even some very interesting facts that help clear up some confusion in some recent Sunday School lessons. I just love learning how alive Godās Word truly is. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">One of the greatest moments of the day was when I got to pray with a dear friend. This girl has such a big heart and itās so broken. I pray for total healing and restoration for her all the time. She gave me the most wonderful gift though, she told me that she could hear my mom talking as I was talking. I couldnāt help but smile. My mom was such an encourager and itās such a compliment to be compared to her in any way. I hope my friend knows how much that meant to me. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Beth Moore told a very personal story and got very emotional. In all the studies weāve done, Iāve never seen her cry to the point where she couldnāt talk or need tissues. I just love her transparency. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">The closing worship was just as good as all the rest and I truly did not want it to end. We didnāt even know what to say to each other on the way to the car. I really do wish these conferences were longer. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We had a blast the rest of the dayā¦just being silly and crazy. We walked on the beach, took tons of pictures, went to the boardwalk, laughed ridiculously hard all night, went to eat, locked Mandi and Mandy out of the car and made them dance so we would open the door (even though they were expecting it and were much too compliant), we went to the pool/hot tub and laughed even more. Then we watched a movie. The sissies are in bed, but Ashley and I are sitting on the balcony right now listening to the ocean and sipping our hot chocolate. Iām writing and sheās reading. Iām soooooo relaxed!!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">This weekend has been just perfect. I really canāt remember the last time I have laughed so hard and so much in such a short amount of time. This trip was perfect timing too. I think we all (for our own respective reasons) just needed some rest and relaxation. But we also needed some time to get to know our Father more. Itās just been great that itās all been rolled into one weekend!</span></div>Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-56414219609689768772011-12-02T21:45:00.001-08:002011-12-03T21:17:49.610-08:00"Yet for love's sake" Part 1<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Iāve got a lot to say so I gotta start writing so I donāt forget it all!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The Beth Moore āLiving Proofā event started tonight. Iāve been praying for a couple days that we would all get specific messages from God. We had a great drive to Pensacola, a little excitement in getting locked out of our condo</span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> and made some good memories. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We got to the civic center and got some really great seats. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Worship started. If you have never been to a Travis Cottrell concert, I imagine this is what Heaven has to be likeā¦at least a little bit </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> Iām not even sure the name of the first worship song, itās one Iāve heard and sang a hundred times before there was one line that really spoke to me. (so of course God answered my prayer almost immediately) The lyric is āour God is Healer, awesome in powerā¦ā Iāve been praying for the past year that He would heal my mom. And even though I already knew it, it was just an IN YOUR FACE reminder that He gave her the ultimate healing. I couldnāt help but smile </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We sang a hymn medley that I really liked a lot and then came to one of my favorites. Now, some backstory: 2 years ago at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast I asked for God to give me a specific gift to show me that He loved me and I asked to sing a particular song ā one that was really ministering to me at the time. And it was this same songā¦āRevelation Songā. I remember when I heard the first few notes a couple years ago just immediately welling up with tears because I knew He was giving me what I had asked for. Well tonight when I heard the first few notes I just smiled remembering that gift from 2 years ago. As we began to sing the song though, it took on a whole new meaning. We sang the chorus once and I <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As we got to the chorus:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">Holy, Holy, Holy<br />
Is the Lord God Almighty<br />
Who was, and is, and is to come<br />
With all creation I sing:<br />
Praise to the King of Kings! <br />
You are my everything, <br />
And I will adore Youā¦! <br />
<br />
All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldnāt help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for ā worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace ā she was just a little closer than I was </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">We sang a song Iād never heard before, Iām thinking maybe he had written it and it was just beautiful and really spoke to me. I kinda think that the music spoke to me more tonight than anything. When we ended for the night we sang āIn Christ Aloneā which speaks for itself and if youāve never heard him do it live you are totally missing out and <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>āI Love You Lordā which is one of my all time favorite worship songs from back in the day. I know I say āfavoriteā a lot, but I just love so many of them</span><span style="color: black; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I definitely feel like the music spoke to me more tonight than anything else. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but either way I am expecting God to speak in some way </span><span style="color: black; font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 10pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Arial; mso-bidi-font-family: Arial; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-hansi-font-family: Arial; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: "Arial", "sans-serif"; font-size: 10pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"></span></div>Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-429517220947705169.post-37446849100236938412011-12-01T15:59:00.000-08:002011-12-01T15:59:45.598-08:00The emotions have definitely started to overflow. I have done a whole lot of crying (and real crying at that) in the past week. Different sources (other blogs, songs, stories) have really brought it up. I'm glad it's happening. I feel like it's finally starting to be real somehow. <br />
<br />
On Tuesday I got the chance to go visit one of our students from ILC. I had told my mom about this girl back in the summer when I first met her. She had a baby last week so Sandy, Kristin and I got to go visit. Ansley and Zach came along too. She was in a small, rundown apartment, but the generosity she showed to me was more than most people ever would. We were only there 5 minutes, but when we left she gave both Ansley and Zach one of her own kids toys. At first I didn't know how to react. She doesn't speak much English so it's hard to communicate. I just told her thank you so much and hugged her and she kept saying she loved Ansley and Zach. I was talking with one of the other teachers and she told me it makes them feel so good when they can do something like that for people who are generally "helping" them instead. For whatever reason I had felt an instant connection with this girl back in the summer and I'm so glad I was able to go visit. When I got in the car to leave though there was just this immense heaviness because I so badly wanted to tell my mom what had happened. I know most of my posts seem to end up being about, "I wish I had the ability to tell my mom...", but from what I hear that's not going to go away anytime soon. <br />
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The last couple days I've been thinking about how I need to really start concentrating on how grateful I am for the blessings through this process. 2 months ago I was all, "I'm counting it all joy"...and I was at the time, however I kinda lost that when she died. I really want to be there again. We are going to Pensacola tomorrow for the Beth Moore conference and I'm praying for a specific word from The Word!<br />
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It's been almost a year since we were told the cancer had come back. At the time we thought she only had a couple months. We got about 10 months instead. I am so grateful for that. When she had that amazing scan back in March showing the cancer was 90% gone it was just crazy! I still never thought everything was going to be fine, but I guess I did think it was going to extend her time more than it did. But now looking back I think God did that so that we could have one last (happy) trip as a family. We went to NJ in April and it was a great time. More memories to add to those that I pray I will never forget. <br />
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Ok, right now I'm just kinda overwhelmed with wanting to see her face and hearing her wonderful laugh. That's all for now...Speedylittlemehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03140750299943583597noreply@blogger.com0