Well, she fell again this morning. This time she hit her face on a speaker or a bookcase. No one knows for sure because she was in the room alone when it happened and she doesn't remember what she hit. Her face is banged up and her shoulder hurts again. I think from now on she just isn't going to be allowed to walk around without anyone right there next to her. I'm still not sure how that is going to work in the middle of the night. I'm going back over there tonight to stay so I'll get to see the damage for myself.

My hurt is just so heavy thinking about all of this stuff. Thankful I have a Savior who offers to take it all upon Himself and carry it so I don't have to. 

Our Hospice social worker came to talk to us Friday. Basically at this point she would have to be put in a Nursing Type of facility if we decided the house wasn't suitable for her anymore. Once I heard that I said, "absolutely no way"...but on the flip side I just dont know if we can provide the kind of care she needs. I'm so earnestly praying for direction...and waiting for an answer...I just don't want to do the wrong thing.

Prayers appreciated.

Stressed Out!!

I'm so very confused. I just don't know anymore if the house is the right place for my mom. I'm not sure if it's a controlled enough enviroment. I feel like such a jerk even thinking about putting her in a Hospice Facility. I don't, don't, don't want that!! I'm asking God to make it clear to me and trying so hard to just be still before Him so I can hear when He answers me. As of yet I haven't gotten any clear answer :)

Seriously...I just don't even know what to type. Because I just don't even know what I'm thinking. Everything is so scattered...

"You're Not Alone" by Meredith Andrews

I searched for love when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding
and now I'll never be the same
it was the sweetest voice that called my name saying

You're not alone for I am here,
let me wipe away your every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
And I'm the one whose loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep '
Cause the hurt is real and the pain cuts deep
All hope seems lost with heartache your closest friend
And everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
but there is a sweeter song that calls you home, saying

You're not alone
for I am here let me wipe away your every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night
and I'm the one whose loved you you're whole life
all of your life.

Faitful and true forever my love will carry you

You're not alone f
or I am here let me wipe away your every fear
my love I've never left your side
I have seen you through the darkest night your darkest night
and I'm the one whose loved you all your life
all of your life.

As I'm typing this I'm sitting at my childhood desk, in my childhood room, in my childhood home. And yet now...I'm not really the "child" any longer. Now I have to bathe my mom, prepare her food, administer her medicines when she is sick, clean up after her, wash her laundry and try to figure out what she is trying to communicate to me. (My dad usually is the one doing this, but since I was here tonight I figured I'd give him a break)...it's just funny how the roles have reversed. Well not funny so much as sad, but you know what I mean.

It's been happening gradually, but now it's becoming painfully obvious that her mind is just not working like it used to. It absolutely breaks my heart to see her mentally slipping away. This was something I just didn't expect. Not sure why, we knew the cancer was in her brain also. Honestly I'm not sure if this is easier or not. Physically she is doing fairly well. She is still very weak and tired, but she eats a lot more and she's awake a lot more than she used to be. It's really hard to explain. It's like she goes in and out of "mental stability" (for lack of a better term). She is extremely confused about a lot of things, thinks she did but didn't do, didn't do things she thought she did, doesn't trust anyone to administer the medicine properly (I read about side effect a couple weeks ago), she goes off on these tangents and she is in her own little world and we just kind of have to sit there and nod along and wait for her to come back. I seriously had no idea how hard this kind of thing was to watch. I don't know if it's right to pray this, but part of me hopes she does pass before it gets too bad. I don't want her to have to go to a Hospice facility if at all possible, but if this keeps getting worse she may have to.

We had a nice time watching our favorite movie tonight, "Sense and Sensibility". We talked when it was over how it just never gets old and how we see something new in it, or look at it in a different way every time we watch it. It felt like a normal conversation. Then as I was putting her to bed she was acting so "child-like"...as if she really was a little kid. It's just back and forth all of the time.

We also finished the interviewing process today. I really wish we had started this much sooner because each session she has seemed more and more "gone" and I know some of the answers she is giving me are just completely wrong. Or I'll ask a question and off she goes down another trail that has absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about.

She fell again today. This is the 3rd time in a few weeks. So for that reason and the mental stuff we really know that she just can't be left alone at all, not that she has been alone in the past few weeks. Thankfully my dad heard the "thump" immediately and was there in 5 seconds.

Anyway...just had to get some of that off my chest. I really can't even describe how I feel right now. I guess sad is the best word, but even that doesn't seem to fit right.

Time for sleep now...hopefully.

I got a nice surprise when I got to my parents house after Bible Study tonight. Because I had gotten held up I figured she'd be asleep, or at the very least in her bed. Instead she was sitting up in her chair looking extremely alert and very much like her old self...well, expect for the baldness and skinnyness ;). After talking for a while she told me that she is definitely feeling better, she's not in as much pain, she is more alert and awake and she can even hear better :):)

We've had a great conversation (again it happened organically so I wasn't able to get the recorder and record it :( )

However, now she is beginning to get sick to her stomach, which apparently hasn't happened. She's going to start the anti-nausea pills in the morning to see if that helps.

I'm definitely encouraged though. To the point where if it continues like this for the next 2 days we are going to cancel the "round the clock" care...at least for now.

I was going here tonight wishing I could talk to her about all the other stuff going on in our life right now, but knowing she would be in no condition to hear it. God is so good though and we were able to have some really great conversation. All His little blessings are so fun and so personal.

She's sleeping in the bed right now and I'm sitting here in the chair typing. I love being able to be this close to her. I am so grateful for Danny and for all my friends that have rallied to support me by watching the kids so that I can be here with her. I feel like Parker (Phoebe's BF) on one of my favorite Friends episodes. I feel like I want to take a mental picture..."click". (ok, I can already see Erin laughing at that statement) But it's exactly how I feel. So thankful for this opportunity.

"I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me" Psalm 13:6

A Specific Prayer

I have a very specific prayer and I'd love for you all to join me in it.

First of all, I'm praying that I'm with my mom when she dies. But more than that, I am praying that as she dies she says something that describes to us what she is seeing or experiencing. I wish so badly that I could see her see Jesus for the first time so I am asking for just a little glimpse of it :) Sorry if that weirds anyone out...but I desperately want that :)

"Arms of Love" by Kutless

I sing a simple song of love
To my Savior, to my Jesus.
I'm grateful for the things You've done,
My loving Savior, my precious Jesus.

My heart is glad that You've called me Your own.
There's no place I'd rather be than

In Your arms of love,
In Your arms of love.
Holding me still, holding me near,
In Your arms of love.

"I Still Believe"

Well, the day we knew was coming finally came. Her doctor was so kind and compassionate. He told her that the cancer was in her lungs and bones (which we knew), but was now in her spleen, kidneys and liver also. Like we expected going in, he told us that there was no reason to continue treatment and it was time to call Hospice. I will say that even though I was expecting it, I felt different once I heard the words from the "medical professional". And even though my mom had already made the decision for herself she really wanted to hear it from him also. I asked how long he thought she had and he said 3 months. I'm no professional, but with how fast she is declining, I don't even think it will be that long. I'm sure some people will think this is crazy, but I think it would be really cool if she died on her Spiritual Birthday. Seems like good symmetry or something. Problem is that's only a few weeks away. Not sure I'm quite that ready. She's lost 10lbs in the past 2 weeks. It wasn't a long visit...there wasn't a need for it to be.

Hospice called us within a few hours and we will be meeting with them tomorrow at 4pm. I'm really glad we were able to sit in on the Hospice meeting with my grandmom back in April. Otherwise I think I'd be more nervous, but now I know what to expect.

We had a sweet moment in the car holding hands...I cried a little :)

We got home and got right into our first "Interview Session". Today's topic was her childhood. It went better than I could have imagined. God is so good to us. He really answered all of my specific prayers...even helping her to recall things she had forgotten about. I got to hear some really neat stories that I don't ever remember hearing before. She cried a lot telling them. There are some family memories she needs some help with so thankfully Margaret will be here tomorrow and we are going to finish out that topic. There is even a high school boyfriend of hers I want to locate somehow to tell him just how wonderful he was for making her feel how he did at prom. I got to hear how her and her friends snuck into the school when American Bandstand came to their school to film. How she and her BF at the time were on TV for like 5 minutes. My mother LOVES to dance!!! Can you believe she's Baptist? ;)

I really can't wait to keep asking her questions. I already know it's going to be one of my most cherished memories.

I waited to leave until my dad got home so I could be there when she told him. Today is his birthday too :( I thought he was doing ok and then he kind of lost it and went into the garage. I was going to leave him be, but then I heard him hitting things and knew I needed to stop him. (he has a history of breaking bones when he hits things:) ) When I walked into the garage I saw one of the saddest sights I've ever seen. I've seen my dad cry plenty of times...but never like this. I don't do well when he cries, I always feel very awkward. But we just hugged and hugged and he just cried his heart out....then I cried my heart out on the way home.

I came home and let Danny hug me while I cried. (I don't generally show much emotion like that to him either) I think it's so neat how one of the "benefits" of this situation is how it has really changed how I communicate with Danny. I feel so much closer to him than I ever have before. He is such a wonderful man and I am so unbelievably blessed to have him as MY husband.

After the kids went to bed I told him all about the day and some of the stories my mom told me. It was nice to talk...again, I generally don't talk very much about personal things with him. I know that is hard for some of you to believe because normally I never shut up :)

God is so good. When I was driving home tonight it was like I felt Him saying, "just tell me how sad you are", so I did. And that's when the tears came. Maybe that is what I should have done a long time ago, I don't know. He has taken such good care of me.

I know it's strange to say, but I am so excited that my mom gets to meet the Love of her Life very soon. I may not be so excited when it finally happens, but thinking and imagining that moment in my head helps me deal with everything that is happening. I wish I could see it so badly!!

This song has ministered to me for a while, but I heard it again coming home tonight and it was perfect timing :)

"I Still Believe" - Jeremy Camp

Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe

The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near

More Music...

For some reason it wouldn't publish the last post correctly. Not sure why. Here's a couple other songs He's been using:

My Help Comes From the Lord - The Museum

When sorrows come and hope seems gone
You’re the Rock I rest upon
When waters rise and I can’t breathe
You’re the love that rescues me
Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise
Chorus
Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength, my song in the night
My refuge, my shelter
Now and forevermore
My help comes from the Lord
When I’m broken, scarred by sin
Death gives way to life again
When I suffer, when I’m bound
In You I’m free, in You I’m found
Out of the darkness
I lift up my eyes
Unto the hills
I feel my faith rise
Chorus
Maker of heaven, giver of life
You are my strength
You’re my refuge
Now and forevermore
Chorus
My help comes from the Lord
My help comes from the Lord

My Hope is Built - Edward Mote

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly trust in Jesus’ Name.

Refrain

On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand;
All other ground is sinking sand.

When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.

Refrain

His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.

Refrain

When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh may I then in Him be found.
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.

Music

A couple weeks ago during a "Stepping Up" session Beth Moore talked a lot about music. How important it is, it's purpose, etc. One of the things she said was she believed it was the language that the soul understood best. She talked about how "emotions and expressions can be expressed through song in ways spoken words can never satisfy". I absolutely believe that 100%!!!! This session really spoke to me since music has always been so important to me. Well, through this process God has definitely been using music and song to speak to my heart and soul. The last 2 days it's been like He's just drowning me in it!!! Most of these are songs I've heard before, and songs I've heard in the last 9 months...but it's so beautiful how He uses things we love and relate to - to speak to us.  These are a few of the songs He has used in the last couple of days:

Fall Apart - Josh Wilson (this has kind of been my anthem :) )

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
They've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when--
You will find me when--
I fall apart

Held - Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

Arms that Hold the Universe - 33 Miles

I know it seems like this could be
The darkest day you've known
But believe you me
The God of strength will never let you go
He will overcome, I know

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

Through many dangers, toils and snares
You have already come
His grace has brought you safe this far
His grace will lead you home

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go

You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world in His hands
You can hope, you can rise, you can stand
He's still got the whole world
The whole world in His hands

And the arms that hold the universe
Are holding you tonight
You can rest inside
It's gonna be alright

And the voice that calmed the raging sea
Is calling you His child
So be still and know He's in control
He will never let you go
He will never let you go

He's still got the whole world in His hands
Still got the whole world in His hands

Faith Like A Child

I wish I had witnessed this, but I didn't because I was in the other room. Looking back though, I think it was good because had I been there Zach may have been too fussy and this incident would never have happened:

Ansley and my mom were talking and she told my mom that she didn't like it that she was sick. So my mom just told her that is why we should pray that God would heal her. Ansley put her hand on her leg and said, " can I pray for you right now?" And then she proceeded to pray that God would heal her.

When I came into the room my dad was crying...of course ;)

I am so grateful...so so so grateful that God has answered our prayers about Ansley having a heart that is sensitive to the things of the Lord. God has used her so many times to be an example to me. I am so overwhelmed at the gift of her.

And today I prayed that God would hear the prayers of these wonderful little children and heal her :)