A few months ago I was in the car driving and I happened to see a mother and daughter in the car together. I know who they are and I knew what they were doing. They were just spending the day running errands together. Seeing that simple picture sent my head spinning. I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I was never going to get to just run errands in the car again with my mom ever again. I began to cry and then I remembered the last time we were in the car together. It was the day her oncologist told her that it was time to stop treatment, call Hospice and enjoy our time together. We were driving home, neither of us saying a word. I remember reaching over and taking her hand and just holding hands the rest of the way. It will be one of those moments I never forget. Thinking about that made me even more upset of course.
Fast foward to a couple of weeks ago. I was running errands AGAIN and I saw this same mom and daughter AGAIN, doing the same thing. While there was a pang of sadness of course, the overwhelming emotion I felt was bitterness. Not bitterness towards them, just at the situation. I say "bitterness" because it's the best word I can think of, although I don't think it's 100% accurate. I hadn't realized the unhappy feelings brought on by seeing moms and daughters together. I know it's totally unfair and so un Christ-like to have those feelings, but that's what I'm dealing with right now.
I shared this with my dad and he said he totally gets it. He's been in a pretty bad place lately. It seems like it's just getting worse for him. I wish there was something I could do. I've nagged him to the point that he is finally going back to church thankfully. I just can't imagine how lonely he must feel day after day. It truly does break my heart. I don't let myself think about it very often, perhaps I should though.
Most days it still feels like it's not a reality. The only time it does feel real is Sunday's when my dad comes over alone. It's still hard to see him walk in the door alone. I'm wondering how long it will take to "feel real" on a day to day basis.
