All through the day I have little thoughts here and there of things I want to write down. And then by the time I get a chance to sit down here to type I can't remember any of it!! So this blog post is going to be quite choppy...

For some reason this week I had a feeling about what song the choir was going to sing today. I guess it was the Holy Spirit although I'm trying to figure out why He would tell me. As soon as the music started and the lyrics popped up I kind of smiled, and then cried. I still didn't cry like I'd like to, but it was something. The song was "Oh Crimson Flow" and it was one of the last songs we played/sang for her before she died. She first told Cindy and I about the song months ago sitting in the oncologists office and Cindy found it and played it because she loved it so much. It's an absolutely beautiful song and it will always remind me of my mom.

It was suggested that I read the eulogy at the service. I have decided to do it. It makes me happy, but nervous at the same time. I did write it so I'm glad I get to put voice to it...but the thought of speaking in front of that many people makes me want to vomit. I don't think I'll get emotional, but who knows...maybe that will be my moment. (so I apologize in advance if it is :) )

A sweet new friend of mine emailed me today and was so encouraging. She shared with me how she struggled with some of the same issues when her mom passed away and that everyone grieves differently. I guess I do believe that God is just keeping me held together because I have to be right now...but that human side of me wants to come back again and question everything. I keep thinking (like I've been thinking this whole journey)"am I surpressing my emotions, whats the deal?" I feel like I can barely put 2 sensible thoughts together anymore. Most of the time I have absolutely no clue what I'm thinking...

I'll go ahead and be honest so watch out and don't be offended; I find myself resentful of other families that aren't going through this. I remember a friend telling me sort of the same thing about when her dad died. How she would think "dont you know what is happening to me?" when perfect strangers seemed happy. I know it's crazy...but it's still how I'm feeling. I find myself mad when people talk about unimportant things...as if everyone's life should stop on our behalf. But on the flip side...I don't really want to talk about it much.  Again...I know it's crazy, but I'm just being honest. I do know that these emotions are going to take a long time to work through, but I think mentally I've put it on my "To Do list" and now I just want it done.

When I feel these things I am reminded of what I'm supposed to do. This is an excerpt from my devotional a couple of days ago:

The best response to losses or thwarted hopes is praise. "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." Remember that all good things - your possessions, your family and friends, your health and abilities, your time -  are gifts from Me. Instead of feeling entitled to all these blessings, respond to them with gratitude. Be prepared to let go of anything I take from you, but never let go of My hand.

Here are the lyrics to "Oh Crimson Flow"

Oh crimson flow once shed for me
My life I owe my saving King
His blood has paid my ransom fee
Oh crimson flow that set me free

Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
It washes over me

Oh crimson flow this solemn creed
That in my life I must decree
To tell the lost His Word and deed
Power to live in Christ our King

Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
Oh the blood of Christ
It washes over me
Oh crimson flow the scarlet key
By which my soul at last shall see
The King above in all glory
With God most high I’ll ever be