I have to start out by apologizing for all this talk about my emotions. I'm sure it's not so fun for everyone to read. I've been going over and over in my mind what my problem is...and I think I stumbled onto something.

I was driving home tonight and a song came on the radio that has really ministered to me this past year. It's "I Still Believe" by Jeremy Camp. As I was listening I was just thinking and talking to myself. These words have NEVER been more true than they are right now: "Scattered words and empty thoughts seem to pour from my heart. I've never felt so torn before seems I don't know where to start"...I know that I do still believe God has been and is going to be faithful. But as I was listening I kind of realized that for some reason I am resisting talking to God about all this that I'm feeling and I don't know why. I've not felt any conscious anger towards Him, but perhaps there is somewhere down deep. As the song played and I sang the words in my head it was like there was this part of me that was pleading with myself to just talk to Him and pour it all out before Him (Psalm 142), but another part of me just wouldn't let it happen. Then there are the lyrics: "Though the questions still fog up my mind with promises I still seem to bear even when answers slowly unwind it's my heart I see You prepare" ... and I know He is preparing me for something even through this. But in all honesty right now I'm not sure I want to hear it.
Even as the song is ending and I'm hearing the words "The only place I can go is into your arms where I throw to you my feeble prayers in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me help me to know You are near"... it was like I was screaming at myself "go there, go to His arms" and I'm just not. I've been so busy the past 2 weeks and it's become easier to just push everything down to "get things done" and not think about what I'm feeling and going through.

The real point of the song though are the words:

I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe
Like I said, I do know it. I do believe it. Please pray for me that I will go to Him with it all. I want to just talk to Him and be honest with Him...and soon.