First of all, it shouldn’t have taken this long to start journaling about this process. However, if I’m going to start…today is a good place J
I still don’t quite know how I’m feeling. I’m not surprised because for the last few weeks we have felt very positive about today. I think God, in his “still small voice” let my mom know that He was going to do something very big!! And once she shared that with me, my normal “glass is half empty” attitude suddenly changed. Yeah, I know it shouldn’t take something like that to believe in what God can do, but I’m still learning and growing.
There have been times since December 13th where I have felt very loved and very taken care of by my Father, but there was also a spell where I felt like He was nowhere to be found. I know the saying that it isn’t God who does the moving, but it felt like it for a while. Beth Moore talks about how in times of darkness maybe that means He is just gripping you in His palm so tightly that no light can get in. That’s how I’m choosing to see it J
Overall though, there is no doubt just how tightly, gently and lovingly He has held me. I love the lyrics to Natalie Grant’s song, “Held”. I’ve loved this song for a long time, but now, looking back on the last few months I’ve experienced it like never before. I am so grateful that God has chosen to extend my mother’s life. I don’t know how long it’s going to be, but I am choosing right now to just be grateful for any additional day. (Psalm 9:10 – “Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.”) I know you have never promised we would have an easy life if we chose to follow you, but thank you so much for promising to not forsake me as I’m going through it!
I am so grateful and overwhelmed by all the love, support and most of all prayers of our friends and family. I can’t even begin to describe how much it has meant to me personally and how much I know it has helped keep me in once piece. I’ll be honest, since that December day I’ve yet to break down and have a good cry. I’d still really like to, but for whatever reason it hasn’t happened. I guess God just wasn’t going to let me get too “down”…He knows my penchant for staying there.
There have been so many children praying for my mom. It was so neat to tell Ansley tonight that God has heard her prayers and that He cares about what she talks to Him about. Danny said that when he put her to bed she said, “Thank you for healing Mimi and please heal Mimi”, so I guess she is making a connection! (Psalm 8:2 – “From the lips of children and infants you have ordained praise…”)
I’m tired, but I just can’t sleep!! Excited, thankful, overwhelmed, humbled, guilty…those are just a few of the emotions swirling around me right now! I think I’ll spend a little more time in the word and then try again J
