"Perseverance"

Got home from BSF a while ago...it was so good to be back!! There were a few things in the lecture today that really stood out. The first principle today was that "God enables us to persevere". Ok...now for some background:

I am a list maker and a list "checker offer" :) (if you know me, you know that) I like to just get things done and move on to the next thing. I hate any kind of long drawn out process so this "grieving process" is not exactly my cup of tea. I'm ready to 1. Grieve  2. Be done greiving and get on with life. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm figuring out it doesn't exactly work like that. I've found myself impatient about it, like I just want to be over it already. But then I realize that I'm never going to be "over it", I'm just going to learn to live with (or without in this case) it (her).

I posted a few days ago that I haven't been talking to God really at all about any of it. I've started to and He has begun softening my heart quite a bit. I've even done a bit of crying!! :) Last night was a great example. I finally made it to a Beth Moore session and of course it was about joy. One of the things she said really jumped out at me. She said "if we don't learn to wail before Him, we may never know how to dance before Him" (Psalm 30:11)
My other problem (and I know I'm not alone in this) is that I am not a delegator. I do everything myself. I have a REALLY hard time trusting anyone else to do things, because I just don't think they will do it how I think it should be done. Well, in some backwards way...I am not delegating to God what His job ACTUALLY is!! I'm still trying to take all of the control and do things in my time and in my way. (and I know I'm not supposed to delegate to Him by the way)

This brings me back to today's principle...It was like a slap upside the head when I heard "it is God that empowers us to persevere". I mean, I knew it...I just wasn't living it. Because I haven't been talking to Him there has been a distance between us. He's been continually trying to draw me back to Himself and I've been resisting. I think I'm starting to feel some real anger. Not at Him I don't think, but just at the situation. There is some resentment too, but that's too personal even for here. So anyway, because I had distanced myself from Him I was keeping blinders on and not seeing the truth that was right there in front of me. Thankfully, God is "rich in love" and decided He wasn't going to let me get too much further. :) Now, I know I am only at the beginning of this journey and there is still plenty of time for me to distance myself again, but for now I am just really happy that His grace and mercy has brought me back to His side so that I can begin quietly talking to Him about what I'm feeling. And maybe, just maybe I'll be able to "wail before Him" soon :) Because I'm really ready to be at the point of wanting to dance before Him!! (it's that whole "wanting to get things done" thing again ;) )

My favorite hymn is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and this line really sums up my prayer right now. So I ask you to pray it for me as well:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.