"Thy faith hath made thee whole"

Well, my life has drastically changed since I last wrote.

We stayed up most of that night watching and waiting...thinking it was going to happen. We even had a final Lord's Supper with her. My dad actually squeezed some grapes to make juice for her.

Nothing seemed to change so eventually we all went to bed except Cindy and she kept watch so we could get some sleep. She was pretty out of it so we expected to be woken up to say goodbye, but we woke up the next morning and there was no change. We talked about how she's always been a fighter and she still was. But we thought we'd better make sure everyone gets the chance to say goodbye so we started making some calls.


By the end of Wednesday there had been so many people in and out of that house I could never begin to count them all. I was so overwhelmed...still am. I always knew she had impacted many lives, but it was just a beautiful sight. I wish I had taken a picture of the front yard with all the cars in it. I was quite overwhelmed that some of my friends came to say goodbye also. So many close friends were able to spend hours with her. She was "alert" for a while in the morning, but by the afternoon she was gone again. One of the last people she actually spoke with was our mailman, Leon. He has been their mailman for a VERY long time. He walked in to say goodbye and she looked up at him and said, "hey Leon." It was pretty neat.

 



Wednesday evening we found out she was still able to respond somewhat. If you told her, "blink if you can hear me"...she would. She didn't every time, but she did a lot of the times. She had quite a few callers too. People who couldn't be here, but still wanted to say goodbye. I wish I had remembered to call a few people. I hope they will forgive me for not.

It was so sad to have to watch precious, cherished friends say goodbye. Many of them stayed for hours because they just didn't want to leave. We did a lot of singing and reading scriptures off and on all day long. As the day went on she became more and more "gone". We had called Cindy about 3pm and she came over to check her. She said that yes, there had been more of a decline but she still wasn't to "that" point yet.

Come nighttime we were just exhausted!! Danny will forever be my hero for this reason alone...he decided to take the night watch so that we (me, my dad and Margaret) could get some sleep. He had talked with Cindy and she told him exactly what to look for. He was an amazing watchmen. He woke me up about 3:45 and said he thought it was time to call Cindy. He did and she headed back over. I immediately crawled into bed with her. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. I stayed there until Cindy arrived. (I think she was sleeping in her clothes because she was there within 5 minutes!!)

Once she got there and confirmed that yes it was going to happen "soon" we got up my dad and Margaret. Even in those few hours there was laughing, singing and scripture reading. She loved Elvis so we played her some Elvis. We played her favorite song when she was growing up ("It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To"), we put perfume on her and we just loved on her as much as we could. There was some crying...of course not by me :)

At some point during the 5am hour someone mentioned sunrise and Margaret looked up the official time...which was 7:27. We told her she'd have to hang on a couple more hours. She obviously meant it when she said she didn't want to die at night. We played and sang song after song. As the birds began to chirp outside we opened the windows so she could hear them. She loved to listen to the birds as she had her quiet time in the early mornings. In the last couple of minutes her breathing changed again to what Cindy had been waiting for. It was so strange. In the same thought I was willing her to take a breath, but hoping she wouldn't.

As I had already talked about, I had been praying for some kind of glimpse into what she was seeing. God didn't answer that with a yes, but He did give me something else. At one point I felt a little tap on my heart and a voice that said, "she's gone". I wanted to say something, but didn't want to feel dumb if I was wrong. No more than 2 minutes later....right at 7:27am Cindy confirmed that she was gone. The song that had been playing, and was just ending was called, "In the Morning".

If you can call a death perfect, that was it. If you can call it "good", that was it. God took her home right on time. As her friend Christina put it..."her life of procrastination was over, she started her new life right on time!" :)

As I was crying and groaning, I kind of looked up and smiled and said, "how can I be so happy and so sad all at the same time?" I kissed her about a hundred times. I didn't want to stop.

After a while we did the usual (whatever that is). We called some friends to come see her. I thought I might be weirded out about having a dead body in the house, but there was such a peace. No way to really explain it.  We got her dressed in one of "her" shirts and some jeans. Put her wedding ring and cancer bracelet on her and then put some more Shalimar on her so that when her friends arrived she would look like "Barb".

It was so strange because you just kept thinking you'd see her take another breath. She just looked so peaceful and it was like this stress was just gone.

When the funeral home got there I began to cry again, knowing it was the last time I'd see her beautiful face this side of Glory. I kissed her some more and cried some more. I left the room as they were removing her body, but couldn't help but peak. It was just wonderful. They wrapped her up tightly in a white sheet. I got to thinking it was like when they wrapped Jesus dead body in white clean linen...and then His body wasn't there anymore. I just figured, they are wrapping her body, but she isn't there!!! They wrapped everything but her face and then asked us if we were ready. I went over and kissed her again and told her "I loved loved loved her and I would see her soon". They then covered her in a beautiful brocade blanket and then she was gone.

We immediately got busy putting the house back in order and trying to let people know. It was a long morning. We took naps in the afternoon and then greeted numerous friends in the evening. Once again, we were just overwhelmed with how many people came to pay their respects. And AGAIN I couldn't get over how many of my friends made the drive from our side of town. To all of you who were there I will never forget it and I thank you so much. I just can't express how much the support means. (and I know about you who really wanted to, but couldn't for whatever reason :) )We had a fun night and I didn't want it to end. It meant it was too real for the night to be over.

I didn't want to get up this morning, but knew there was much to be done. Got the house more back in order as one of my dad's sweet friends came over to help him get my mom's car ready to sell. I just love watching men display the love of Christ to other men. It's a beautiful thing. I dreaded leaving the house. Again...just too real. But I had to see my sweet babies faces.

The sadness is definitely starting to settle in. I don't think I've answered the phone but 2 times today...so if you called and I didn't answer, please don't be offended. I just don't feel like talking right now. I'm alone now. Danny is at Men's Night. Maybe I'll finally REALLY let the emotions out since I have such a hard time fully letting go in front of other people. Maybe I won't. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do when I'm done with this. My mind is quite blurry right now. That whole surreal thing is definitely kicking in to high gear.

Before I close I had to share this because I thought it was neat. As I was filling my bath I had a minute to read my "Jesus Calling" devotional for the day. Once again...very fitting and timely:

"Be prepared to suffer for me, in My Name. All suffering has meaning in My kingdom. Pain and problems are opportunities to demonstrate your trust in Me. Bearing your circumstances bravely - even thanking Me for them - is one of the highest forms of praise. This sacrifice of thanksgiving rings golden-toned bells of Joy throughout heavenly realms. On earth also, your patient suffering sends out ripples of good tidings in ever-widening circles. When suffering strikes, remember that I am sovereign and that I can bring good out of everything. Do not try to run from pain or hide from problems. Instead, accept adversity in My Name, offering it to Me for My purposes. Thus, your suffering gains meaning and draws you closer to Me. Joy emergest from the ashes of adversity through your trust and thankfulness."

Lord, I pray we have pleased you through this trial. I thank you for carrying us through it and I thank you because I know You will continue to carry us. You are so good to us!!! Thank you for loving us so much, thank you for caring about our emotions and for keeping our tears because they are so precious to you.

"Every act of evil extracts a tear from God, every plunge into anquish extracts a sob from God." Nicholas Wolterstorff, Lament for a Son