As I'm sitting here in my dad's office I can here the oxygen machine going. It's a distinctive sound that I doubt I'll ever forget. Thankfully my mom is asleep...which means she's at peace.

The inevitable is quickly approaching. Her organs have begun failing and we can see her declining each day. I hope it continues to happen quickly. I'm not ready to lose her, but I am very ready for her to not be suffering any longer. More than the physical suffering (which there isn't much of thanks to good drugs), it's the mental suffering she's beginning to experience. She is starting to have some paranoia and that troubles me greatly. Satan has been attacking and it seems he is continuing to do it from time to time. Which I have to say just ticks me off!! I think she is starting to detach herself. I was trying to have a conversation with her earlier and there was little response. I was trying to tell her about what God has been teaching me and how He has been growing me. Normally there would be such an enthusiastic reply, but today there was next to nothing...just a small smile. I told her this was going to be the hardest part for me. She is the person I talk to first when I learn something new or God shows Himself to me. She is the person who gets the most excited about it. Not sure how I'll deal with knowing I can't share it with her. She teared up a bit, but still didn't say anything.

As I was talking with my new friend Cami the other night I was able to put some things together in my head. While I don't like that this is happening, I can't help but feel special somehow that God would choose this for me. It makes me feel like He sure loves me a lot to trust this kind of hardship to me. He is doing it to bring glory to Himself and I feel honored that He would choose me. WE are studying Acts in BSF right now and during yesterday's reading I read Acts 5:41: "The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." Well it just lept off the page because that's how I felt! I'm not comparing my suffering to theirs and I'm not comparing myself to the apostles, but the sentiment is the same. I believe that God was confirming that what I was feeling was legitimate. I'm learning how the "count it all joy" works...I am joyful. I know in my own flesh I couldn't be, but the Holy Spirit has put that joy in me...I'm so excited to think about the good that is already coming from this valley and the good that will continue to come from it.

So many people have been so wonderful to pray...if you want to pray for my family these are specific requests I have:

* that this process would go quickly
* that God would protect her mind from the enemy's attacks
*that we will continue to give all the glory to God
*that I will be there at the end (that's my biggest fear...that I won't be here)

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

Psalm 116:17