Thankful for Mama: Day 5

Whoops...I thought I did this on Friday!! Better late than never...

Thankful for Mama: Day 5

Today I am thankful for what a creative and fun loving parent she was (and so was my dad). She went to such great lengths to encourage my very wild imagination and to make every day events more fun. I really do pray I can be half that creative, fun and selfless with my kids.

Just a few of the things she would do:

1. She would get down Christmas lights from the attic and wrap them around my 4 poster bed, put boards on my bed and steps up to by bed so that me and my friends could put on fashion shows for her and my dad :)

2. When me and my friends would be eating lunch she would ask if we wanted a half of a whole sandwich. Of course everyone said whole, so she would put an actual hole in the middle of each sandwich. My friends always got a kick out of it.

3. When I would go on field trips at school she would decorate my "brown bag lunch" in whatever theme the field trip was on. The one I remember the most was we were going to an aquarium and she cut out a picture of a seal from my dad's Nat Geo  magazines and put it on the front with glitter and all kinds of fun stuff. If you knew her at all you knew what an amazing job on any project she did - that included my little brown bags.

4. She would play along as my friend Meredith and I played "Time Travel" and forced them to pretend we weren't in the room even though we were being very distracting :)

5. She would make up silly songs to help pass the time when we were broken down somewhere...my favorite was "Officer Friendly" :)

5. At a very early age I loved to organize things. One of my favorite things to play was "pattern company". She would let me take out all her patterns (she had hundreds) and use them in my "company". I would ship them, receive them, sell them, buy them. I had invoices and everything. Have I mentioned how much I love the smell of carbon paper? :)

6. I always pretended that our bikes were horses and she would help me groom them and walk them and take care of them like you would any other horse :)

7. Nothing will compare to my 25th Birthday - but I think that will have to be a whole other post. Not sure I could even type about it right now.

I've had a rough weekend. I've done a lot of crying. A lot of reminiscing. A lot of replaying "the end" in my mind. She was just the most wonderful mother and all of these little things she did for me was just part of her wonderfulness.

Thanksgiving...

Well, it was the first holiday without her. All in all it wasn't that bad. I'll be honest, this morning I was having a bit of a hard time. I kept thinking to myself, "I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, but right now all I can think about is what I don't have". I didn't want to feel that way, but I did. However, it wasn't long before I got an attitude adjustment. I heard about a couple different stories this morning/afternoon that made me realize just how good I have it. Again, I already "knew" it, but it was good to be reminded. I was talking with someone at dinner today and we were talking about how everything is about perspective. Someone else may look at my situation and think that's the worst, but something someone else is going through I may think it worse. Don't get me wrong, I know it's ok to be sad. I don't feel guilty for being sad at all - in fact I wish I was more sad more often, but I was glad that God very quickly brought to my attention that I have it pretty good.

There were definitely times today that I felt things were incomplete. I'm not sure if it was better or worse that my dad wasn't here either. I already knew it, but she was such a part of my entire life and nothing feels the same anymore.  :(


Thankful for Mama: Day 4
Today I'm thankful for the spiritual influence she had on Ansley, even in the short time she spent with her.

Thankful for Mama Day 3:

Today I am thankful for her genuineness, her boldness, her unselfishness and her hatred of sin. She was such an example!

Thankful for Mama: Day 2

I know that some of you know a lot of my mom's testimony, but there are many who don't. Maybe because this part of it effects me so personally it's my "favorite" part of her testimony if that makes sense.

My mom never liked kids. She didn't want them at all. In fact about a year before she got saved she thought she was pregnant and went to the abortion clinic. She was on the table ready to have the abortion when the doctors told her they didn't really think she was pregnant. They gave her something to take at home and told her that if her period started than she wasn't pregnant. Well thankfully (and mercifully) she was not. However, that didn't change her feelings at all. She still knew that if she ever did get pregnant, she would just go back and have the abortion.

My mom got saved October 26, 1978...she got pregnant with me just "days" later. She found out she was pregnant about 2 weeks after her conversion. She has always proclaimed how blessed and happy she is that God saved her before, because she knew she would have eliminated me and she was always so thankful she didn't have to live with that kind of mistake. She was so happy when she found out and so overwhelmed with God's goodness. I think it was just the perfect way to "kick off" her new life :):) She loved the song "My Daughter's Eyes" by Martina McBride. One of the lyrics says "but the truth is plain to see, she was sent to rescue me". A few years ago she wrote in my Birthday card that said those lyrics were exactly how she felt. She felt that God had given me to her as a "baby EMT" as she put it. I remember sitting in the restaraunt just crying reading those sweet words... she had such a way with words :)  I know she thought I was the gift and I guess technically I was, but I feel like I was the one who received the gift. I still don't quite understand why I was chosen to get her as a mom. She was just the most wonderful woman I've ever known. I miss her so very much. (sorry, this isn't supposed to be about that...but I can't help it)

So anyway, today I'm thankful that God saved her soul at exactly the right time :) It's such an encouragement looking forward that He is going to do what He is going to do at the perfect time. "Perfect" to Him, not us.

Thankful for Mama: Day 1

My plan this week was to pick something specific every day regarding my mom that I was thankful for. Today I've been thinking about how thankful I am that God answered my prayer and I was able to be with her when she went to be with Jesus. I've actually kind of been reliving it all day in my head. I've even shed some tears today.  A friend sent me a song tonight and these lyrics just about did me in:

"I'm staring deep into your eyes
They're telling me the time has come
And I know you're ready to rise and sail home
The room is filling up with light
As we say our last goodnight
I thank you for every second of your life"

It's like the writer described the event perfectly. Thank you for sharing, Brian.

 I really want to "fall apart" for a while. Just a little while...

The Weekend

It was an interesting weekend. I took the kids over to my parents house (I still can't say my "dads house") Friday night to get some things figured out with he and Margaret. It all went really smoothly which was another answer to prayer. THen it happened...when I walked outside to leave it felt like someone had punched me in my gut. It was very cold and someone nearby apparently had a fire because it smelled smoky outside. Well it was just this instantaneous rush of emotions. It just smelled like Christmas at my parents house and I was immediately overcome with sadness. I know I can be melodramatic sometimes, but I did literally have to catch my breath. I couldn't even speak hardly. That feeling followed me home and lasted into the early morning.

Sunday was the 13th - a month since she had died. In some ways it feels like yesterday and in other ways it feels like forever ago. I had thought about it Saturday night, but I think God kept the thought from me so that I could go to church and not be overwhelmed with the thoughts. My sweet sister in law dropped off some sunflowers for me - I'm sure to cheer me up, she never really said :)

That evening we had a car show at our church...here comes the cool part. I had been thinking that this day was probably pretty hard on my dad. Well, by the time I got to my dad I found out he had been having a pretty good time :) Since the mid 1960's it's been a dream of his to just sit in a 427 Shelby Cobra. I should know - I dusted the models of them in his bedroom all the years I lived at home :) Well, there was one at this show and my dad had started talking to the guy. The guy had let him sit in the drivers seat and even let him rev the engine a bit :) He was so excited! I had to go back to what I was doing in the gym and then Danny called and told me to get outside. The guy had taken my dad for a ride!! When they came back he was grinning like a little boy. It was so sweet! I just think it's so cool of God to give a gift like this to my dad on such a poignant day. He is so personal and it makes me feel so loved.

Right now I just feel this deep ache in my gut. I'm asking God to help me remember the last days a little more clearly than I am right now. I think it's time that I start thinking about that and really remembering it so that it will stay in my memory forever. Does that make sense? Because right now it's almost like it never happened because the memories are so pushed down. I really want to relive them and rejoice in them.

The overhwelming feeling I've had tonight was that I just can't believe I'm not going to see her face again in this lifetime. I'm so glad my friend Kristin encouraged me to "drink in her face". :) Because I truly did. I'm so going to miss it though...hey, whatdaya know?? I've got tears in my eyes!

God's Provision

My dad has been so overwhelmed with all of the things that need to be done "after the fact". That in turn overwhelmes me so I figured if I could have a few hours to set aside I could make a lot of progress. I prayed yesterday that God would give me a very productive day. I made my list and set off for my parent's house. He is so good and I got everything on my list done. Everyone I talked to - from the bank rep, the insurance people, hospital people, even AT&T people - were soooo helpful. Everything went so smoothly. I couldn't believe how easily everything went. Towards the end of my mom's life one of the only things she could clearly say was, "He is soooo good Brittany, God is so good". I can still hear her voice saying it and that's probably how I will always hear it. It's definitely how I heard it yesterday.

When I went by the insurance place to have her taken off the auto and homeowners policy I got a pleasant surprise. I walked in and told them what I was here for. When I told them who I was I was very quickly ushered back to see someone specific. It was a woman who had been friends with my mom for years. It was so neat to hear from ANOTHER source just how loved and respected my mother was. We sat and talked and she told me stories and all kinds of stuff. One of the things she said was how "genuine" my mom was. I've said before that that is probably the thing I loved most about her and I think it's cool that so many other people appreciated it too. It was great to be greeted with such love while doing something that isn't necessarily very fun.

I'm just so grateful for His provision in so many different areas. I've never liked the song "Friend of God" very much, but it came on the radio last night on my way home and I heard it with different ears :) Very simple lyrics, but they showed me just how much He really is thinking of me :):)

Who am I that you are mindful of me
That you hear me, when I call
Is it true that you are thinking of me
How you love me, it's amazing

 

I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend

I mentioned in my last post that "Come Thou Fount" had been on my mind and heart for the past couple of days. Well, the first worship song we sang during Secret Church Friday night was Come Thou Fount!! I really couldn't believe it because no one ever sings this song anymore :):) It brought tears to my eyes that God would do that for me. Then there were tears because all I wanted to do was call my mom and tell her what He had done for me. I knew these kinds of moments were going to be the hardest. I kinda quietly asked God to tell her He had done that so that she would know.

I'm starting to be really sad a lot of the time. The kids are a good distraction of course, but it's starting to just be right there at the surface all the time. Last night I was posting something on FB and I happened to see of the the pictures from her last couple days. I haven't looked at them since, but I decided to and I did some crying. It's weird because it hasn't even been a month, but it's already so hard to remember at all. Actually I think I'm just trying so hard not to think about it that I can't bring myself to remember. Because as I sit here and try to remember - it's pretty easy to. It's all still hard to believe. When does reality finally set in for good?

"Perseverance"

Got home from BSF a while ago...it was so good to be back!! There were a few things in the lecture today that really stood out. The first principle today was that "God enables us to persevere". Ok...now for some background:

I am a list maker and a list "checker offer" :) (if you know me, you know that) I like to just get things done and move on to the next thing. I hate any kind of long drawn out process so this "grieving process" is not exactly my cup of tea. I'm ready to 1. Grieve  2. Be done greiving and get on with life. It's only been 3 weeks and I'm figuring out it doesn't exactly work like that. I've found myself impatient about it, like I just want to be over it already. But then I realize that I'm never going to be "over it", I'm just going to learn to live with (or without in this case) it (her).

I posted a few days ago that I haven't been talking to God really at all about any of it. I've started to and He has begun softening my heart quite a bit. I've even done a bit of crying!! :) Last night was a great example. I finally made it to a Beth Moore session and of course it was about joy. One of the things she said really jumped out at me. She said "if we don't learn to wail before Him, we may never know how to dance before Him" (Psalm 30:11)
My other problem (and I know I'm not alone in this) is that I am not a delegator. I do everything myself. I have a REALLY hard time trusting anyone else to do things, because I just don't think they will do it how I think it should be done. Well, in some backwards way...I am not delegating to God what His job ACTUALLY is!! I'm still trying to take all of the control and do things in my time and in my way. (and I know I'm not supposed to delegate to Him by the way)

This brings me back to today's principle...It was like a slap upside the head when I heard "it is God that empowers us to persevere". I mean, I knew it...I just wasn't living it. Because I haven't been talking to Him there has been a distance between us. He's been continually trying to draw me back to Himself and I've been resisting. I think I'm starting to feel some real anger. Not at Him I don't think, but just at the situation. There is some resentment too, but that's too personal even for here. So anyway, because I had distanced myself from Him I was keeping blinders on and not seeing the truth that was right there in front of me. Thankfully, God is "rich in love" and decided He wasn't going to let me get too much further. :) Now, I know I am only at the beginning of this journey and there is still plenty of time for me to distance myself again, but for now I am just really happy that His grace and mercy has brought me back to His side so that I can begin quietly talking to Him about what I'm feeling. And maybe, just maybe I'll be able to "wail before Him" soon :) Because I'm really ready to be at the point of wanting to dance before Him!! (it's that whole "wanting to get things done" thing again ;) )

My favorite hymn is "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and this line really sums up my prayer right now. So I ask you to pray it for me as well:

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.