Well, the day we knew was coming finally came. Her doctor was so kind and compassionate. He told her that the cancer was in her lungs and bones (which we knew), but was now in her spleen, kidneys and liver also. Like we expected going in, he told us that there was no reason to continue treatment and it was time to call Hospice. I will say that even though I was expecting it, I felt different once I heard the words from the "medical professional". And even though my mom had already made the decision for herself she really wanted to hear it from him also. I asked how long he thought she had and he said 3 months. I'm no professional, but with how fast she is declining, I don't even think it will be that long. I'm sure some people will think this is crazy, but I think it would be really cool if she died on her Spiritual Birthday. Seems like good symmetry or something. Problem is that's only a few weeks away. Not sure I'm quite that ready. She's lost 10lbs in the past 2 weeks. It wasn't a long visit...there wasn't a need for it to be.
Hospice called us within a few hours and we will be meeting with them tomorrow at 4pm. I'm really glad we were able to sit in on the Hospice meeting with my grandmom back in April. Otherwise I think I'd be more nervous, but now I know what to expect.
We had a sweet moment in the car holding hands...I cried a little :)
We got home and got right into our first "Interview Session". Today's topic was her childhood. It went better than I could have imagined. God is so good to us. He really answered all of my specific prayers...even helping her to recall things she had forgotten about. I got to hear some really neat stories that I don't ever remember hearing before. She cried a lot telling them. There are some family memories she needs some help with so thankfully Margaret will be here tomorrow and we are going to finish out that topic. There is even a high school boyfriend of hers I want to locate somehow to tell him just how wonderful he was for making her feel how he did at prom. I got to hear how her and her friends snuck into the school when American Bandstand came to their school to film. How she and her BF at the time were on TV for like 5 minutes. My mother LOVES to dance!!! Can you believe she's Baptist? ;)
I really can't wait to keep asking her questions. I already know it's going to be one of my most cherished memories.
I waited to leave until my dad got home so I could be there when she told him. Today is his birthday too :( I thought he was doing ok and then he kind of lost it and went into the garage. I was going to leave him be, but then I heard him hitting things and knew I needed to stop him. (he has a history of breaking bones when he hits things:) ) When I walked into the garage I saw one of the saddest sights I've ever seen. I've seen my dad cry plenty of times...but never like this. I don't do well when he cries, I always feel very awkward. But we just hugged and hugged and he just cried his heart out....then I cried my heart out on the way home.
I came home and let Danny hug me while I cried. (I don't generally show much emotion like that to him either) I think it's so neat how one of the "benefits" of this situation is how it has really changed how I communicate with Danny. I feel so much closer to him than I ever have before. He is such a wonderful man and I am so unbelievably blessed to have him as MY husband.
After the kids went to bed I told him all about the day and some of the stories my mom told me. It was nice to talk...again, I generally don't talk very much about personal things with him. I know that is hard for some of you to believe because normally I never shut up :)
God is so good. When I was driving home tonight it was like I felt Him saying, "just tell me how sad you are", so I did. And that's when the tears came. Maybe that is what I should have done a long time ago, I don't know. He has taken such good care of me.
I know it's strange to say, but I am so excited that my mom gets to meet the Love of her Life very soon. I may not be so excited when it finally happens, but thinking and imagining that moment in my head helps me deal with everything that is happening. I wish I could see it so badly!!
This song has ministered to me for a while, but I heard it again coming home tonight and it was perfect timing :)
"I Still Believe" - Jeremy Camp
Scattered words and empty thoughts
seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
seems I don't know where to start
but it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every fingertip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe
Though the questions still fog up my mind
with promises I still seem to bear
even when answers slowly unwind
it's my heart I see You prepare
but its now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
from every finger tip, washing away my pain
I still believe in Your faithfulness
I still believe in Your truth
I still believe in Your holy word
even when I don't see, I still believe
The only place I can go is into your arms
where I throw to you my feeble prayers
in brokenness I can see that this was your will for me
Help me to know You are near
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