As I'm typing this I'm sitting at my childhood desk, in my childhood room, in my childhood home. And yet now...I'm not really the "child" any longer. Now I have to bathe my mom, prepare her food, administer her medicines when she is sick, clean up after her, wash her laundry and try to figure out what she is trying to communicate to me. (My dad usually is the one doing this, but since I was here tonight I figured I'd give him a break)...it's just funny how the roles have reversed. Well not funny so much as sad, but you know what I mean.

It's been happening gradually, but now it's becoming painfully obvious that her mind is just not working like it used to. It absolutely breaks my heart to see her mentally slipping away. This was something I just didn't expect. Not sure why, we knew the cancer was in her brain also. Honestly I'm not sure if this is easier or not. Physically she is doing fairly well. She is still very weak and tired, but she eats a lot more and she's awake a lot more than she used to be. It's really hard to explain. It's like she goes in and out of "mental stability" (for lack of a better term). She is extremely confused about a lot of things, thinks she did but didn't do, didn't do things she thought she did, doesn't trust anyone to administer the medicine properly (I read about side effect a couple weeks ago), she goes off on these tangents and she is in her own little world and we just kind of have to sit there and nod along and wait for her to come back. I seriously had no idea how hard this kind of thing was to watch. I don't know if it's right to pray this, but part of me hopes she does pass before it gets too bad. I don't want her to have to go to a Hospice facility if at all possible, but if this keeps getting worse she may have to.

We had a nice time watching our favorite movie tonight, "Sense and Sensibility". We talked when it was over how it just never gets old and how we see something new in it, or look at it in a different way every time we watch it. It felt like a normal conversation. Then as I was putting her to bed she was acting so "child-like"...as if she really was a little kid. It's just back and forth all of the time.

We also finished the interviewing process today. I really wish we had started this much sooner because each session she has seemed more and more "gone" and I know some of the answers she is giving me are just completely wrong. Or I'll ask a question and off she goes down another trail that has absolutely nothing to do with what we were talking about.

She fell again today. This is the 3rd time in a few weeks. So for that reason and the mental stuff we really know that she just can't be left alone at all, not that she has been alone in the past few weeks. Thankfully my dad heard the "thump" immediately and was there in 5 seconds.

Anyway...just had to get some of that off my chest. I really can't even describe how I feel right now. I guess sad is the best word, but even that doesn't seem to fit right.

Time for sleep now...hopefully.