More Refining

I know that the refining process is supposed to be a good thing and it is supposed to produce something good, but darnit...I'm tired of it.

It's been quite a while since I've written. Things seemed to be going along pretty well until WHAM! I was blindsided by something that even though a part of me knew it would happen, another part of me thought it could never happen. And wouldn't you know, it coincided right with the 1 year anniversary of my mama's home-going. I also lost one of the most special ladies in my life during those few days also. At one point I was just wondering what was going to happen next...talk about overwhelmed.

I wish I could just take my emotions for what they are and not try to always be analyzing them and trying to figure out every single minute detail. There are days when I'm happy, days I'm not so happy and days when I have no idea what I am thinking or feeling. I don't consiously feel stressed, but my body tells me that I am.

Today is one of those days that I mentioned before...a day where I don't know what I'm feeling. So it probably wasn't the best day to blog because I'm just not sure what to say. All I know for sure at this very minute is that God is faithful and He is going to walk me through this process, just as He has been walking, carrying me through the grieving process. I am thankful for that. Right now that has to be enough.

Flashbacks

It's amazing how the most random things can trigger memories that bring searing pain in an instant. Or how seemingly nothing at all can happen and yet memories just jump into my mind at all hours of the day.

This has been happening a lot the last month or so.

I guess it probably started around my birthday. I have so many memories of birthdays spent with my "birthday twin" and particularly our last one. They are bittersweet memories because it was precious time and we knew we were never going to get to celebrate together again.

Since then however, it has become more random and much more frequent. A song, a smell, a Scripture passage, or as I said - nothing at all and I feel as if I'm reliving Late Summer/Early Fall of last year. I can see her exactly how she was: skinny, bruised and bald. Maybe at some point that isn't how I will "remember" her looking, but right now it is. Funny thing is, she only looked like that for 3 months out of her entire battle. I guess it was enough to make a lasting impression though. We listened to so much music and read so many passaged of God's Word that it seems like everything reminds me of those last 5 weeks. I can still hear the oxygen machine. I can still smell her protein drink. I can still see the pain in her face. I can still remember the fight in my own heart of wanting to keep her here, but wanting her to go even more.

I'm guessing the next couple of months will get worse where this is concerned. As "dates" start to mean more and more. The date of her last scans. The date the doctor told us there was nothing more to be done. The date the hospice nurse told us it wouldn't be more than a week. And of course the date where we said goodbye to her. Even the date of her Memorial Service, because it was such a beautiful day...in more ways than one.

My dad said it's been happening to him some too.

I have to be honest and say I like the memories. As sad a time as it was, it was still precious and holy time and I would relive it a thousand times. I like when I can just let myself fall totally back into that time for a little while and soak it in. I know these memories will fade with time, so I want to keep them alive as long as I can.

Today I got one of the biggest triggers I've had yet...

My Aunt Kay, who is one of my mom's dearest friends has been battling Parkinsons for a very long time. I knew that the medication wasn't working anymore and she was going to be having brain surgery. This morning when I woke up there was a voicemail from her. She had broken her hip and was at a rehab center. Her message was kind of confusing, but I knew instantly that I needed to see her. I was able to spend some wonderful time with her today talking and catching up. It was really like talking to my mom because they were so likeminded. I was so humbled by this woman who was in extreme pain while dealing with such a horrible disease and quoting Scripture to me in the midst of it. It was a beautiful thing.

There were just so many simliarities to her condition now and how my mom was. I couldn't help but think about it all over again. It broke my heart seeing her like she was, but I know God is using her in the lives of so many people.

I love getting to talk to my moms friends about her. It's so fun to get to talk to people who knew her just as well as I did. And I still love that so many people loved her. And that so many people still miss her so much.

Ups and Downs from the Book of Job

I couldn’t sleep tonight so I figured it would be a good time to catch up on some of my Bible Reading Plan. “Just so happens” I’m starting Job. :) As I was reading, certain verses began to jump out at me. I have so many friends suffering or going through trials right now so I figured I should start jotting it down. It turned into this. I apologize for the length.

Most of us know Job’s reputation, but in his honesty before God there were still questions and I hope this can be an encouragement to so many of you right now. This book has been such a source of comfort to me in the last year.

Just in case you don’t know how the story starts – basically, Job loses everything except his life and he immediately says these beautiful words in Job 1:21, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” (we know that verse and we love it right?!)

However, in Job 3:24-26 he says, “For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” (I’d say those are pretty normal thoughts for someone facing a tough situation. I know I’ve been there in the last year. But somehow, knowing that someone like Job had those thoughts makes it easier to handle.)

Now Job’s “friends” enter the picture…their motives are right, but the way they go about it just isn’t exactly beneficial. However, one of his friends does give Job some encouragement:

In Job 8:21-22 Bildad says, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips will shout with joy.” (in the deepest part of our hearts I think we KNOW that this will happen again, there are just times that it seems like we will never get there. And I’m just praying that we will all take some comfort in the fact that we are fallible humans and we aren’t going to have the perfect thoughts and attitudes all of the time – that’s what grace is all about!)

Job then responds to Bildad and IF I’m looking at this in the right context it was a new way for me to look at it. In Job 9:32-33 he says, “He (God) is not a man like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court. If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both.” (PRAISE JESUS, those of us believers who live this side of Calvary DO have that person…we have Christ’s own Sprit inside of us!!! We no longer have any block between us and the Creator Himself.)

We don’t often quote verses like Job 10:1 that says, “I loathe my very life, therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.” (not very encouraging on the surface, but if you think about it – it is so encouraging!!! We have a Father who WANTS to hear our complaints. He wants us to be completely and totally honest with Him. We can say things to Him that we would never dream of telling another human being about the situation we have found ourselves. I know I’ve done it! So go to Him! Tell Him! Cry to Him! Complain to Him! He knows your heart anyway….He just wants you to trust Him enough to be open at His throne of grace. On the flip side, I do want to caution you against cursing God – that is never appropriate)

After quite a bit of accusations from his friends that sin had caused this suffering and quite a bit of Job asking his friends why they keep being so cruel, we get to these beautiful words in Job 19:25-27, “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes – I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! (What a great time to look forward to right??? So when “friends” or the “enemy”  - sometimes one in the same unfortunately – try to make you feel that you did something to cause this trial you can take heart in the words of Job 12:13, “To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his”. Or in Job 28:20-21,23-24 where he says, “Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell? It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air…God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens.”

Such beautiful words above to something as heartbreaking as this from Job 30:20, “I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer, I stand up, but you merely look at me.”  (sound familiar to anyone else??)

After some much more pointed questioning by his friends, God steps in and asks Job some of His own questions. Questions like “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations? Tell me if you understand.” (Job 38:4) The point of all these questions was to prove to Job that He was in fact in control. Yes, Job did a lot of questioning. Yes, we do a lot of questioning. There will be times for that. God knows that. Yes, He wants us to trust Him at all times, but He does also understand our humanness!! There will be times we just don’t understand. Heck, we “can’t” understand. We weren’t there when the earth’s foundation was laid so of course we can’t!! But in one breath we tell God we don’t understand, in the next breath ask Him to help our unbelief and He will!

When Job responds to the LORD in Job 42:2, he says, “I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Sometimes, unfortunately it takes tragedy for us to truly see God for who He is. I pray that we will all continue to see that as we face the path He has set for us. I’m not trying to preach at anyone because God know I am still dealing with these issues myself.

And just because I spent this time in Job, I want to share one of my favorite passages from this book JJ

After all, he’s famous for great and unexpected acts; there’s no end to his surprises...True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wound; the same hand that hurts you, heals you. From one disaster after another he delivers you; no matter what the calamity, the evil can’t touch you.

Job 5:9, 18-19 (The Message)

"Lighter"

"God is soooo good. He's so good." - Those are the words I will always think of when I think of my mom's last few days. She didn't say many coherent things and sometimes even these sentences weren't very coherent, but this was her lasting message...to me at least.

And He is good. Sooooo good.

His timing is perfect and for about 6 months now I've been trying to hurry up this grieving thing. It just hasn't gone how I thought it would or in the timeframe I had in mind. I've been asking for the ability to really cry and release all those feelings inside. This is one of those times I've had to really wait for a "yes" answer. But thankfully, He has finally given me that answer I so desperately wanted.

I've done a lot of crying in the past couple of weeks. A lot of genuine, loud and overdue crying. I've even done it in front of Danny!! It took every ounce of strength I had not to run from the room as the tears started, but God held me down on that couch so that I could be vulnerable and real in front of my husband. And I am so glad I was. He needs to know what is going on inside me and thankfully now I can at least release it in tears. I was able to do some talking too though :)

At GriefShare on Sunday night someone shared a little quote they had heard, which led to someone talking about a song that went along with the quote, which led to the song being played. I was out of there as fast as I could possibly get because I knew that the emotion was on it's way to the surface. Thankfully I got home to an empty house which gave me some time to spend talking and crying out to my Father. The quote and the song that had been talked about mentioned hearing the persons voice for the last time. I got to thinking that it had been a while since I'd heard her voice so I came to the computer and began to listen to some of her recordings. As I listened I began to sob. And then that block that had been in my spirit was simply gone and I could finally literally cry out to God. I told Him everything that was feeling and I actually asked Him "why". I didn't think that I was feeling that, but apparently I was because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying to Him...I was just talking. At one point I asked Him to tell her that I loved her. Instantly I felt this calm around me as if He was saying, "you go ahead and tell her, she can hear you." So I did. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I've been encouraged to talk to her in the past but it just felt too weird to do. But again, I wasn't "thinking" this time, I was just doing and it just felt like the right thing to do. Whether she did actually hear me or not, I have no idea, but it was nice to just say it. (however, sitting here typing I have no desire to start talking to her - I guess it's about listening to the Spirit as He guides)

I'm just lighter. So much of that pressure that has been building for the past 6 months is gone. I'm sure there is more to come and I really am so glad that He is allowing me to experience what I've been longing to experience. I'm sure it sounds weird to think that someone is longing to cry and bawl like a baby, but it's what I've been longing for.

"God is soooo good. He's so good."

Being thankful

Last night in GriefShare the session was about "Why?". Honestly, that's not a question I've asked a whole lot in regards to myself. I've wondered why He would take her away from Ansley and Zach, but I can see reasons why He would have taken her from me. It's comforting to kind of have some answers to the "why's".  Not all of them of course, but at least in regards to me. Maybe God will be gracious and let me get to see the answers to some of the the "why's" about Ansley and Zach too.

But then we got to talking about being thankful and how it's hard to be sad when you are concentrating on being grateful, honestly I didn't think much about it last night. Just now though as I was doing my Bible Study and reading some Grief Share emails the Holy Spirit put a thought into my head. I AM thankful that it happened when it did. Yes, I would have preferred it be when I'm 60 something years old like it "normally" does, but I am very glad it didn't happen 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or when I was a young girl. I won't pressume to know how I would have reacted, but I have a pretty good feeling that I would not have reacted the way I have at this point in my walk with God. I think it probably would have driven me farther from God than I was at those times. 5 years ago God had gotten ahold of me and I had turned back to Him. I was still in such a fragil state and not getting a lot of encouragement from anyone around me. That would have been such a bad time to lose her because God used her so much in these last 5 years to encourage, lead and help me. I'm really glad it didn't happen 10 years ago because I was so far away from God at that point that I may have never turned back to Him. I'm also glad it didn't happen 5 years from now (or more), when Ansley and Zach would have been more severely affected by her loss. I don't think it's going to affect Zach at all, but I do think it's already affecting Ansley. She is asking questions and making comments that just throw me for a loop at how she is thinking about these kinds of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if she had to die, He picked the perfect time. I know, big shock right? :) I have to say, thinking that way makes me feel just a little bit lighter.

This weekend was my first scrapping trip without her and thankfully it went just about how I wanted. As I was packing up the car by myself and riding down on Thursday I was feeling extremely lonely and sad. And just out of sorts. When I got there and started setting my stuff up it just felt weird. When Diana came and hugged me so tight I started to cry just a little bit and then that was it. I had a fantastic weekend and accomplished something (The Ropes Course) that I really didn't think I was going to be able to do from down on the ground. It sounds kinda silly, but I kept thinking about my mom and how much she would like to have seen me do this and I just set my mind on finishing it...and I did, and it was a blast :):)!! Oh and I kicked butt at it too if I do say so myself ;)

I worked on a small album of the family pictures we took in August. That did put me in a bit of a mood. I just turned my music up and didn't talk to anyone while I worked on it. I finished it about 3am on Sunday morning :) All in all, it was a good first trip without her. I wanted to miss her and I did, but I wasn't miserable and I had a lot of fun!

When I got home yesterday I showed Ansley the album of those pictures. I'm not sure if it confused her or what because a few minutes later she asked if Mimi was at home with Poppy and her hair was growing again. It kinda shocked me and it took me a few seconds to remind her that Mimi was in Heaven at home with Jesus. Then she said the most heartbreaking thing. She said, "but Poppy wants her to be home with him". Once again, I just didnt' know what to say. So I told her that I wanted her here too, but that God knows what is best and He decided it was time for her to be with Him in Heaven. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, but she is definitely starting to be more curious.

One thing that was said last night is that maybe sometimes God allows the suffering of our loved ones to help us let go. I think that is so true. You are so much more ready to see them leave because you know it means no more suffering for them. As hard as it is to watch, maybe it does make the letting go easier.

There were so many things from last nights session that were just fantastic. I am so glad to be a part of this group!

I'm also thankful for all the new lessons I'm learning through this. These to me are some of the "why" answers. I'm just learning and experiencing things I never would have gotten to experience without going through this trial. Like I was reading tonight for BSF: "...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthins 4:17)

Thank you God for never wasting anything about our life experiences!

We are beginning to have to make some important decisions about Ansley's education. Well, we don't have to make the decision right now, but the time is getting closer. On one hand I would really like to talk to my mom and get her opinion on things and seek her wisdom. But on the other hand there is this relief of pressure (for lack of a better term) that she will approve of our decisions. I've said before how I used her as my human Holy Spirit. This was never a role that I don't think she even realized I had given her. Well, it's some how freeing to know that I don't need her approval anymore. I think to a certain extent we all seek the approval of our parents and that's not wrong in itself. I just know that in my case if she said it was ok than I took that as the Lord saying "yes" to me. Maybe "it" was "ok", but it still doesn't mean it was His plan for me.

Maybe at times it will be harder because I will never know if I would have had her approval on certain things. It's just so strange to me how I can miss something so much (my mom) and at the same time be kinda glad that I don't need it (her approval) anymore. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I shared it with my dad and my Aunt Margaret and they seemed to get it :) I think a lot of us looked to my mom for her approval on things - maybe not even intentionally. I'm sure we are all learning to lean on the Father more than ever before.

I was talking to my BSF leader today and realized something else. When I heard about ILC about a year ago I was so excited because I knew that God had answered a pray of mine...just in His way, not mine :) Well, I love how He can answer the prayers of His people and at the same time lead them to a place where they are going to be ministered to in a way they never would have otherwise. God has put 2 specific women in my life this year who have both lost their mothers and God has used them in very specific ways to encourage me and help me along this journey. Cami is in my discussion group at BSF and Kristin is one of the teachers I help at ILC. I just think it's the coolest thing that I thought God was answering a longtime prayer for me at the same time He was answering an unknown prayer of mine because I didn't know that I was going to need these women. I'm just continually amazed at how cool He is and how He works out all the little details. It's this kind of love and "attention to detail" that just proves His existence.

A couple weeks ago I had my first dream about my mom. I don't remember if the dream was good or bad. What I do remember is being woken up suddenly by Ansley...right in the middle of my dream. I was so upset I couldn't even stand it. I know she didn't mean anything by it - she was just doing her normal morning thing, but I felt myself being angry at her because she had taken me away from my mom. I spent most of that day in a real funk. I had another dream a few nights later and while I don't remember the details (I never do), I do know that it was a good dream and I got to finish it this time!!! :):) God is good in so many ways.

This weekend (starting tomorrow)...well, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm wondering if it's one of those things that I'm setting myself up for this huge emotional time and it's going to end up being nothing. It's our annual Scrapbooking Retreat and this is the first time I'll be going scrapbooking without my mom. Now, normally on most trips she would just annoy me to death because she would always lose her tools or she would NEVER make a decison (can't help but smile at that) or she would just wander around aimlessly. I would normally get annoyed and we would have some kind of tif. Well last year I knew that barring a miracle it was going to be our last trip so I prayed that God would give us a great time together. And HE DID!!! We had beautiful weather the entire time, we sat outside on the big wrap around porch in rocking chairs and talked and cried together. We never fought once and I never even got the slightest bit annoyed! We had the funniest times together at night sleeping on couches in the common room because her sister snored so loud. We would giggle together and wrap up in blankets and head to the leather couches. It was just the most wonderful time. This time however, I have to drive down alone and I won't have my mom sitting next to me or sleeping next to me. Yes, I will have my friends and my aunts...but it's not going to be the same. I was telling Jenny today, "I want to miss her in a happy way". I want to feel an ache, feel that something is missing, but at the same time I want to have some fun, relax and be productive. I'm just not sure where that balance is. It's just still so hard to believe she's gone....pretty sure I'm going to be saying that for a very long time :(

"All My Praise"

So it’s been quite a while since I last took some time to write. I’ve wanted to many times, but it was just too much work somehow to put my thoughts to paper (or screen) J God has been working on so many themes in my life the last few weeks. The main one being that to put it simply, I just need to praise Him more. One Sunday morning while reading my devotional I read this:

It is impossible to praise or thank me too much. As it is written, I inhabit the praises of my people. Sometimes your adoration is a spontaneous overflow of joy, in response to radiant beauty or rich blessings. At other times your praise is more disciplined and measured – an act of your will. I dwell equally in both types of praise.

And then that day in the service our worship pastor sang a song that just reaffirmed the message I had been given that morning. It was pretty great. It was about that time I began to realize how much I had fallen into that “self centered” trap. I had been so focused on how I hadn’t done and reacted how I wish I had that I hadn’t taken any time to thank God for how He had in fact been carrying me. I may have been fighting it, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that He was still doing it. I just began to think Him for that and it was amazing how quickly my attitude began to change.

The theme of praising Him during this time has continued since then. It is so comforting to know that He is right there, gently and lovingly speaking to me and singing over me. Yes, I’m still not totally happy with Him in this area of my life and haven’t exactly figured out what emotion it is – but I still feel so overwhelmingly loved by Him. That doesn’t even make sense in my brain how I could have such conflicting emotions, but I guess that is what grief is about.  

I started GriefShare a few weeks ago also. It isn’t exactly how I thought it would be, but I do really enjoy getting to talk about my mom to people who didn’t know her. It makes it feel that she is still alive or something. I enjoy getting to hear what the others have to say and to just know that I’m not crazy for how I’m feeling. The main rule is to never compare your grief to anyone else’s but that’s hard for me. A lot of these people have lost multiple people, spouses and children and it makes me feel guilty somehow. The homework has been good because it asks questions I don’t think I would have thought to ask…at least not this early. I’m excited about continuing it. My dad is doing it at his church also. He isn’t liking it quite as much as I am, but I’m hoping he will continue to go and be open to how it can help him.

I feel so guilty because I am just not being what my dad needs. He wants to talk about how he is feeling and I’m just being so selfish and not doing that very much. He’s in such a bad place and I want to be there for him, it’s just so hard to talk about it to him! I don’t even know why.  I’ve been praying that God would give me the strength to get out of my comfort zone and just do what he needs.

I started writing this on Friday night while waiting for David Platt to speak at the Pastor’s Conference. Once again, it was good timing. As we were singing before the sermon there was a song that talked about joy. I can’t remember the name of the song, but I do remember at that moment saying a quick prayer asking God to give me back that joy that I was experiencing up until her death. Then…what were some of the first words out of David Platt’s mouth??? “Do you need joy in the middle of your circumstances?” (or something to that effect. ) Tears just welled up in my eyes because ONCE AGAIN Jesus was just proving to me that He is right here with me, comforting me and loving me. It was very cool!

Now it is Monday night…I’ve just read the first book in a 4 book series on grief that someone let me borrow. I figured…I just need to get out all of these things that I’ve been thinking, feeling, experiencing. The last couple of days I’ve just not been able to stop thinking about my mom. I’m not even sure if it’s sadness that I’m feeling. I guess it is, but it doesn’t totally feel like that. I just keep thinking about her and all kinds of random things. I like thinking about her, but I also don’t like it.

 Last week Ansley and I were talking and she asked me if Mimi had hair now. She just melted my heart with that one. I was able to tell her that yes she does! It was another chance to plant a seed also. It’s just one more way how God can take something “bad” and use it for good. We would probably not have had these kinds of personal conversations about heaven and eternity at this point in her life if this hadn’t happened. Just very cool to think that her death could be something that God uses to draw Ansley to Himself.

A couple of weeks ago I finished C.S. Lewis’s book, “A Grief Observed”. It was fantastic! It is normally very hard for me to read his writing, but this book was so different! I never knew that his wife had died, I actually never knew that he had even been married. I know it’s not right to compare ourselves to other humans, but numerous times I felt myself thinking, “well if he felt this way than it’s ok that I feel this way” J This was just one of the excerpts I have highlighted in the book, but it’s probably one of my favorites:

‘It was too perfect to last’, so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic- as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at a sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfections. This had become what it has in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good, you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.’ When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoy doing them you will not be set them much longer. The teacher moves you on.

Good stuff!!!!

I’m trying not to spend all my time reading grief related things. I’m kinda spacing it out some, little doses I guess.

Something that was harder than I thought it was going to be… I deleted her FaceBook account today. It was really really hard to hit that deactivate button.  I guess somehow it was just one more access point I had with her that is now gone. I still haven’t deleted her name out of my phone. Not sure I’ll ever be able to do that. Also today I was entering all our receipts for last year for our taxes. I started in January and it was like I was taking the journey of 2011 all over again. There were receipts from our trip to see the specialist in Charlotte. Receipts from our family trip to New Jersey. Receipts from getting lunch at her first chemo. Receipts from the hospital when she broke her collar bone in July. Receipts from the day of our last ever Birthday celebration. Receipts from all the fast food I ate while staying at their house the last month of her life. It was very heavy, for lack of a better term. All the memories came back and this time I didn’t try to squash them. I purposely relived them. Some good memories, some bad…but somehow they all feel bad, or I guess just sad. It definitely has put me in somewhat of a funk though. Hard to shake it. I guess this is just going to be a down time for me right now.

I think that’s about all I can stand to write. Now I will try to treat my grief with some Oreos and milk J

Good timing

God is so faithful...even when I'm being such a "poopyhead" as Ansley would say.

I've been so back and forth lately. I've not run "away" from Him, I'm just definitely not running "to" Him. I want to so badly - I'm just not. Once again there is still this internal fight and it's just one more thing I'm totally confused about. I've really felt the last few days as if I'm in a black hole or something. Christmas wasn't so bad, but for some reason New Years was. I've tried hard to figure out why and I think because somehow it's an ending. I know it's just an ending to the year, but I guess there is a part of me that thinks that maybe other people will look at me and think "this happened last year, she needs to get over it." I'm sure they won't, but yes, I still care way too much what other people think of me and how I deal with things. I don't want it to be over. I don't ever want it to be over. I'm a wallower and I guess I just still feel like wallowing. Actually, not really even sure I've started wallowing yet since it still doesn't feel totally real yet. I dunno, like I said - I'm pretty confused right now.

Ok, now on to why I actually sat down to write:

In our BSF lesson this week (or past few weeks actually) we've been in Hebrews 11-13. I did Hebrews 11 before Christmas so it's chapters 12 and 13 that I've been looking at the last few days. God never fails to say something to me, the question is whether or not I'm listening. I am actually listening...even if I'm not necessarily talking back.

Ok, well in 12:3 it says: "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

It really jumped out at me. When I really stop and meditate on what Christ endured for me  - not just for eternal life, but also for the strength to persevere (that's been a big "theme" for me lately also) I'm just pretty overwhelmed. And like I said before: I want to rely on Him every second of every day and I'm just not. And I don't understand the disconnect.

Moving to today...we had to list specific ways to put certain exhortations into practice. This one got my attention, but not until after the fact. In chapter 13 verses 5 and 6 it talks about being content. This is what I wrote as my specific ways: "Thank God for everything He has given me and don't focus on what others have that I don't". Well...once I wrote that down I realized I should be saying those things about my mom. That wasn't what I was thinking when I wrote it but I realized it could have been. I need to be thankful for all that God has given me(a husband, wonderful kids, a great family and amazing friends) and that He did give me an amazing mother for 32 years and I don't need to be concentrating on the fact that all my friends still have their moms and how jealous that makes me.

After I finished my lesson for today I just sat there...still not talking to God. Well, I kinda was I guess - but it was just a mess. I saw my mom's Bible and figured now was as good a time as any to look through it. I found some sweet things written in it and as I got to the back there was a card from me and one from my dad. Boy oh boy did reading the one from my dad bring some water works!! But the one from me I thought was just perfect timing. I won't write the whole thing out, just the end. "Because of all the ways you've cared, I know I'm a better person...I know I'm better prepared for whatever life has to offer." This was written in October of 1997 (which was a really heartbreaking year for me), but I got to thinking that her example and all that she taught me has helped prepare me for this season of life. I sure never thought that this would be happening so soon, but God did so He allowed her to be a part of the preparation and I think that's pretty cool.

Ok...I think I'll go cry some more now :)