We are beginning to have to make some important decisions about Ansley's education. Well, we don't have to make the decision right now, but the time is getting closer. On one hand I would really like to talk to my mom and get her opinion on things and seek her wisdom. But on the other hand there is this relief of pressure (for lack of a better term) that she will approve of our decisions. I've said before how I used her as my human Holy Spirit. This was never a role that I don't think she even realized I had given her. Well, it's some how freeing to know that I don't need her approval anymore. I think to a certain extent we all seek the approval of our parents and that's not wrong in itself. I just know that in my case if she said it was ok than I took that as the Lord saying "yes" to me. Maybe "it" was "ok", but it still doesn't mean it was His plan for me.

Maybe at times it will be harder because I will never know if I would have had her approval on certain things. It's just so strange to me how I can miss something so much (my mom) and at the same time be kinda glad that I don't need it (her approval) anymore. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I shared it with my dad and my Aunt Margaret and they seemed to get it :) I think a lot of us looked to my mom for her approval on things - maybe not even intentionally. I'm sure we are all learning to lean on the Father more than ever before.

I was talking to my BSF leader today and realized something else. When I heard about ILC about a year ago I was so excited because I knew that God had answered a pray of mine...just in His way, not mine :) Well, I love how He can answer the prayers of His people and at the same time lead them to a place where they are going to be ministered to in a way they never would have otherwise. God has put 2 specific women in my life this year who have both lost their mothers and God has used them in very specific ways to encourage me and help me along this journey. Cami is in my discussion group at BSF and Kristin is one of the teachers I help at ILC. I just think it's the coolest thing that I thought God was answering a longtime prayer for me at the same time He was answering an unknown prayer of mine because I didn't know that I was going to need these women. I'm just continually amazed at how cool He is and how He works out all the little details. It's this kind of love and "attention to detail" that just proves His existence.

A couple weeks ago I had my first dream about my mom. I don't remember if the dream was good or bad. What I do remember is being woken up suddenly by Ansley...right in the middle of my dream. I was so upset I couldn't even stand it. I know she didn't mean anything by it - she was just doing her normal morning thing, but I felt myself being angry at her because she had taken me away from my mom. I spent most of that day in a real funk. I had another dream a few nights later and while I don't remember the details (I never do), I do know that it was a good dream and I got to finish it this time!!! :):) God is good in so many ways.

This weekend (starting tomorrow)...well, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm wondering if it's one of those things that I'm setting myself up for this huge emotional time and it's going to end up being nothing. It's our annual Scrapbooking Retreat and this is the first time I'll be going scrapbooking without my mom. Now, normally on most trips she would just annoy me to death because she would always lose her tools or she would NEVER make a decison (can't help but smile at that) or she would just wander around aimlessly. I would normally get annoyed and we would have some kind of tif. Well last year I knew that barring a miracle it was going to be our last trip so I prayed that God would give us a great time together. And HE DID!!! We had beautiful weather the entire time, we sat outside on the big wrap around porch in rocking chairs and talked and cried together. We never fought once and I never even got the slightest bit annoyed! We had the funniest times together at night sleeping on couches in the common room because her sister snored so loud. We would giggle together and wrap up in blankets and head to the leather couches. It was just the most wonderful time. This time however, I have to drive down alone and I won't have my mom sitting next to me or sleeping next to me. Yes, I will have my friends and my aunts...but it's not going to be the same. I was telling Jenny today, "I want to miss her in a happy way". I want to feel an ache, feel that something is missing, but at the same time I want to have some fun, relax and be productive. I'm just not sure where that balance is. It's just still so hard to believe she's gone....pretty sure I'm going to be saying that for a very long time :(