Good timing

God is so faithful...even when I'm being such a "poopyhead" as Ansley would say.

I've been so back and forth lately. I've not run "away" from Him, I'm just definitely not running "to" Him. I want to so badly - I'm just not. Once again there is still this internal fight and it's just one more thing I'm totally confused about. I've really felt the last few days as if I'm in a black hole or something. Christmas wasn't so bad, but for some reason New Years was. I've tried hard to figure out why and I think because somehow it's an ending. I know it's just an ending to the year, but I guess there is a part of me that thinks that maybe other people will look at me and think "this happened last year, she needs to get over it." I'm sure they won't, but yes, I still care way too much what other people think of me and how I deal with things. I don't want it to be over. I don't ever want it to be over. I'm a wallower and I guess I just still feel like wallowing. Actually, not really even sure I've started wallowing yet since it still doesn't feel totally real yet. I dunno, like I said - I'm pretty confused right now.

Ok, now on to why I actually sat down to write:

In our BSF lesson this week (or past few weeks actually) we've been in Hebrews 11-13. I did Hebrews 11 before Christmas so it's chapters 12 and 13 that I've been looking at the last few days. God never fails to say something to me, the question is whether or not I'm listening. I am actually listening...even if I'm not necessarily talking back.

Ok, well in 12:3 it says: "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

It really jumped out at me. When I really stop and meditate on what Christ endured for me  - not just for eternal life, but also for the strength to persevere (that's been a big "theme" for me lately also) I'm just pretty overwhelmed. And like I said before: I want to rely on Him every second of every day and I'm just not. And I don't understand the disconnect.

Moving to today...we had to list specific ways to put certain exhortations into practice. This one got my attention, but not until after the fact. In chapter 13 verses 5 and 6 it talks about being content. This is what I wrote as my specific ways: "Thank God for everything He has given me and don't focus on what others have that I don't". Well...once I wrote that down I realized I should be saying those things about my mom. That wasn't what I was thinking when I wrote it but I realized it could have been. I need to be thankful for all that God has given me(a husband, wonderful kids, a great family and amazing friends) and that He did give me an amazing mother for 32 years and I don't need to be concentrating on the fact that all my friends still have their moms and how jealous that makes me.

After I finished my lesson for today I just sat there...still not talking to God. Well, I kinda was I guess - but it was just a mess. I saw my mom's Bible and figured now was as good a time as any to look through it. I found some sweet things written in it and as I got to the back there was a card from me and one from my dad. Boy oh boy did reading the one from my dad bring some water works!! But the one from me I thought was just perfect timing. I won't write the whole thing out, just the end. "Because of all the ways you've cared, I know I'm a better person...I know I'm better prepared for whatever life has to offer." This was written in October of 1997 (which was a really heartbreaking year for me), but I got to thinking that her example and all that she taught me has helped prepare me for this season of life. I sure never thought that this would be happening so soon, but God did so He allowed her to be a part of the preparation and I think that's pretty cool.

Ok...I think I'll go cry some more now :)