"Lighter"

"God is soooo good. He's so good." - Those are the words I will always think of when I think of my mom's last few days. She didn't say many coherent things and sometimes even these sentences weren't very coherent, but this was her lasting message...to me at least.

And He is good. Sooooo good.

His timing is perfect and for about 6 months now I've been trying to hurry up this grieving thing. It just hasn't gone how I thought it would or in the timeframe I had in mind. I've been asking for the ability to really cry and release all those feelings inside. This is one of those times I've had to really wait for a "yes" answer. But thankfully, He has finally given me that answer I so desperately wanted.

I've done a lot of crying in the past couple of weeks. A lot of genuine, loud and overdue crying. I've even done it in front of Danny!! It took every ounce of strength I had not to run from the room as the tears started, but God held me down on that couch so that I could be vulnerable and real in front of my husband. And I am so glad I was. He needs to know what is going on inside me and thankfully now I can at least release it in tears. I was able to do some talking too though :)

At GriefShare on Sunday night someone shared a little quote they had heard, which led to someone talking about a song that went along with the quote, which led to the song being played. I was out of there as fast as I could possibly get because I knew that the emotion was on it's way to the surface. Thankfully I got home to an empty house which gave me some time to spend talking and crying out to my Father. The quote and the song that had been talked about mentioned hearing the persons voice for the last time. I got to thinking that it had been a while since I'd heard her voice so I came to the computer and began to listen to some of her recordings. As I listened I began to sob. And then that block that had been in my spirit was simply gone and I could finally literally cry out to God. I told Him everything that was feeling and I actually asked Him "why". I didn't think that I was feeling that, but apparently I was because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying to Him...I was just talking. At one point I asked Him to tell her that I loved her. Instantly I felt this calm around me as if He was saying, "you go ahead and tell her, she can hear you." So I did. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I've been encouraged to talk to her in the past but it just felt too weird to do. But again, I wasn't "thinking" this time, I was just doing and it just felt like the right thing to do. Whether she did actually hear me or not, I have no idea, but it was nice to just say it. (however, sitting here typing I have no desire to start talking to her - I guess it's about listening to the Spirit as He guides)

I'm just lighter. So much of that pressure that has been building for the past 6 months is gone. I'm sure there is more to come and I really am so glad that He is allowing me to experience what I've been longing to experience. I'm sure it sounds weird to think that someone is longing to cry and bawl like a baby, but it's what I've been longing for.

"God is soooo good. He's so good."