So it’s been quite a while since I last took some time to write. I’ve wanted to many times, but it was just too much work somehow to put my thoughts to paper (or screen) J God has been working on so many themes in my life the last few weeks. The main one being that to put it simply, I just need to praise Him more. One Sunday morning while reading my devotional I read this:
It is impossible to praise or thank me too much. As it is written, I inhabit the praises of my people. Sometimes your adoration is a spontaneous overflow of joy, in response to radiant beauty or rich blessings. At other times your praise is more disciplined and measured – an act of your will. I dwell equally in both types of praise.
And then that day in the service our worship pastor sang a song that just reaffirmed the message I had been given that morning. It was pretty great. It was about that time I began to realize how much I had fallen into that “self centered” trap. I had been so focused on how I hadn’t done and reacted how I wish I had that I hadn’t taken any time to thank God for how He had in fact been carrying me. I may have been fighting it, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that He was still doing it. I just began to think Him for that and it was amazing how quickly my attitude began to change.
The theme of praising Him during this time has continued since then. It is so comforting to know that He is right there, gently and lovingly speaking to me and singing over me. Yes, I’m still not totally happy with Him in this area of my life and haven’t exactly figured out what emotion it is – but I still feel so overwhelmingly loved by Him. That doesn’t even make sense in my brain how I could have such conflicting emotions, but I guess that is what grief is about.
I started GriefShare a few weeks ago also. It isn’t exactly how I thought it would be, but I do really enjoy getting to talk about my mom to people who didn’t know her. It makes it feel that she is still alive or something. I enjoy getting to hear what the others have to say and to just know that I’m not crazy for how I’m feeling. The main rule is to never compare your grief to anyone else’s but that’s hard for me. A lot of these people have lost multiple people, spouses and children and it makes me feel guilty somehow. The homework has been good because it asks questions I don’t think I would have thought to ask…at least not this early. I’m excited about continuing it. My dad is doing it at his church also. He isn’t liking it quite as much as I am, but I’m hoping he will continue to go and be open to how it can help him.
I feel so guilty because I am just not being what my dad needs. He wants to talk about how he is feeling and I’m just being so selfish and not doing that very much. He’s in such a bad place and I want to be there for him, it’s just so hard to talk about it to him! I don’t even know why. I’ve been praying that God would give me the strength to get out of my comfort zone and just do what he needs.
I started writing this on Friday night while waiting for David Platt to speak at the Pastor’s Conference. Once again, it was good timing. As we were singing before the sermon there was a song that talked about joy. I can’t remember the name of the song, but I do remember at that moment saying a quick prayer asking God to give me back that joy that I was experiencing up until her death. Then…what were some of the first words out of David Platt’s mouth??? “Do you need joy in the middle of your circumstances?” (or something to that effect. ) Tears just welled up in my eyes because ONCE AGAIN Jesus was just proving to me that He is right here with me, comforting me and loving me. It was very cool!
Now it is Monday night…I’ve just read the first book in a 4 book series on grief that someone let me borrow. I figured…I just need to get out all of these things that I’ve been thinking, feeling, experiencing. The last couple of days I’ve just not been able to stop thinking about my mom. I’m not even sure if it’s sadness that I’m feeling. I guess it is, but it doesn’t totally feel like that. I just keep thinking about her and all kinds of random things. I like thinking about her, but I also don’t like it.
Last week Ansley and I were talking and she asked me if Mimi had hair now. She just melted my heart with that one. I was able to tell her that yes she does! It was another chance to plant a seed also. It’s just one more way how God can take something “bad” and use it for good. We would probably not have had these kinds of personal conversations about heaven and eternity at this point in her life if this hadn’t happened. Just very cool to think that her death could be something that God uses to draw Ansley to Himself.
A couple of weeks ago I finished C.S. Lewis’s book, “A Grief Observed”. It was fantastic! It is normally very hard for me to read his writing, but this book was so different! I never knew that his wife had died, I actually never knew that he had even been married. I know it’s not right to compare ourselves to other humans, but numerous times I felt myself thinking, “well if he felt this way than it’s ok that I feel this way” J This was just one of the excerpts I have highlighted in the book, but it’s probably one of my favorites:
‘It was too perfect to last’, so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic- as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at a sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfections. This had become what it has in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good, you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.’ When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoy doing them you will not be set them much longer. The teacher moves you on.
Good stuff!!!!
I’m trying not to spend all my time reading grief related things. I’m kinda spacing it out some, little doses I guess.
Something that was harder than I thought it was going to be… I deleted her FaceBook account today. It was really really hard to hit that deactivate button. I guess somehow it was just one more access point I had with her that is now gone. I still haven’t deleted her name out of my phone. Not sure I’ll ever be able to do that. Also today I was entering all our receipts for last year for our taxes. I started in January and it was like I was taking the journey of 2011 all over again. There were receipts from our trip to see the specialist in Charlotte. Receipts from our family trip to New Jersey. Receipts from getting lunch at her first chemo. Receipts from the hospital when she broke her collar bone in July. Receipts from the day of our last ever Birthday celebration. Receipts from all the fast food I ate while staying at their house the last month of her life. It was very heavy, for lack of a better term. All the memories came back and this time I didn’t try to squash them. I purposely relived them. Some good memories, some bad…but somehow they all feel bad, or I guess just sad. It definitely has put me in somewhat of a funk though. Hard to shake it. I guess this is just going to be a down time for me right now.
I think that’s about all I can stand to write. Now I will try to treat my grief with some Oreos and milk J
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