A Dose of Reality

Today I took the kids over to my parents house to swim in their little pool and spend some time. I was NOT expecting to see what I saw when I got there. I walked in the front door and there was my mom in a hospital bed sleeping. I hate to sound crass, but she looked dead. It was like an absolute punch in the gut. Then the next thing I know there is a nurse at the door. I've not been told anything about the bed or the nurse so I'm just kind of assuming it's a hospice nurse and wondering why no one bothered to tell me any of this.

As it turns out it's just a Home HealthCare Nurse who is going to be helping out, but it was still a real indication of where we are at right now. She is just so extremely sick and unless God decides to do a miracle...she's not going to get better.

She eventually came outside and watched Ansley swim and dive and play, but she could only last a little while. After lunch Ansley got up in the hospital bed with her and they were able to share some time together. I absolutely hated having to take Ansley away from her. It broke my heart...especially when she is begging not to go :(

I feel like somehow I'm pulling back from my mom. I don't know if I am, but it's like I have all these feelings and I just don't know how to say them. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions to the actual person I'm having the emotions about. I'm praying God will give me the courage (or whatever it is) to really talk to her and say things I need and want to say.

I've not been able to get that sight of her in the bed out of my mind all day.

"Peace"

When we found out in December that the cancer had metastasized and that it was very bad one of my initial prayers was that I not pretend at all through the experience. I had just finished reading Mary Beth Chapmans book and so appreciated her honesty with her emotions. I prayed I would just be as genuine as possible and not hide what I'm truly feeling. That's key I believe to this subject.

From the onset I've been very "ok" for lack of a better term. I've cried some here and there, but I've never had this big emotional breakdown. I kept saying, "I know it's coming...", but then it never did. Most of the people around me have wondered how I've not fallen apart. God kept reminding me that His peace "surpassed all understanding", but somehow I kept shooting down that thought. I guess because it's just so hard to fathom?? I really don't know. I've been praying for months now for God to show me if it was His peace or was I in some major emotional drought. It's like that story about the person out in the ocean who keeps asking God to save him and God keeps sending him help, but the person keeps denying it. I think that's what I've been doing. I'll say at times that I know it's His peace that is getting me through, but then the very next day I believe the lie of the enemy instead. This cycle has repeated itself over the last few months.

I began a Bible study a few weeks ago: "Discerning the Voice of God". It's been groundbreaking for me in a lot of areas. We humans make things so much more complicated than they need to be. God has spoken to me so much through this study and I've been so much more aware of His Spirit in my life.

Today I felt the Spirit promting me to call my mom and basically tell her that if she was fighting on my behalf, that it was ok with me if she stopped fighting. I wrestled with it for a while because I didn't want her to somehow be waiting on someone to tell her that so she would know it was time to stop fighting. I eventually called and we talked about it for a while and she said she didn't think that's what she was doing, but she appreciated the freedom. Literally about 10-15 minutes later I read these words in my Bible Study:

"I know God is speaking to me when in spite of my initial struggle, an undeniable release and peace follows when I have obeyed his voice. When I finally do the thing He has been nudging me to do, whether it's letting something or someone go, or taking a step toward the unknown, there is a deep calm in my soul. Where my heart and mind were once filled with terrible angst, I am now filled with a supernatural peace."

I knew then that I had been sensitive to the Spirit's direction and that once again God's peace had flooded my heart in a new way. The whole study was on His peace and how, "God graciously gives us His peace so He can demonstrate His supernatural activity in our lives." When I read that I KNEW that all of this back and forth in my head and heart needed to stop!! It is His peace that has carried me through the last 7 months and it's going to be His peace that carries me through the rest of the battle. I simply must stop listening to the enemy tell me otherwise!!

My life verse has always been John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives do I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

It's amazed me through the years how this verse has applied to so many areas of my life. It has truly been a "life verse". And even now as I face the biggest trial I've ever had to face my Father is using it once again to encourage me. I always said that if I faced this situation "there is no way I could ever make it". We've all said that and we all believe it..but it is so wrong. I think we are setting ourselves up to distrust God by saying that. I'm so grateful that from the very beginning of this struggle He just picked me up and carried me...well, carries me. It's not over yet. I pray I continue to let him and I ask that you pray that for me also.

It's the little things...

As I was saying in my last post...little things keep reminding me of what is happening.

I was renewing my DL this week and she asked if I needed to update my emergency contacts. Without even asking I asked who they were. She told me it was Danny and I my mom. I was kind of dumbstruck for a minute because it just slapped me in the face. I told her that yeah it was probably best to change her to my dad. Such a simple little thing that hold such big heartache.

Then yesterday I was listening to Danny and his mom talk and the conversation made me realize that when I have a question that my mom has always answered, I won't be able to go to her and ask anymore.

This can all get very depressing. Danny wonders if I should go see a counselor. I don't know, maybe he is right.

Happy Birthday!!

One of my most favorite things in life is the fact that my mom and I share a birthday. I have loved it my whole life. It makes me feel as though we have an extra special bond. Obviously I've been wondering if this is going to be our last Birthday together. Even though our Birthday isn't tomorrow, we still spent the day together yesterday like we usually do. We invited our best friends over to her house and we had lunch, spent some time talking, opened some presents, watched a movie, had some cupcakes and talked some more. It was a wonderful day! She was so much more coherent than she has been in recent weeks and was able to make it though the whole day with "managable pain".

Even though I'm trying to be hopeful, I'm pretty sure it was the last time we will ever get to celebrate our special day together. Lately there keep being little things that remind me of how life is about to change so drastically, those are the things that are getting to me the most right now.

I pray that what has been one of my favorite things in life won't become a source of pain.

Still in the waiting zone...

Waitng, waiting, waiting...always waiting for answers. We got some good news yesterday, the tumors in her brain are smaller and there are no new ones. The doctor said that the radiation will continue to work so hopefully within a month they will be totally gone! However, they still need to talk with the medical ongologist to see if continuing chemo is what they want to do. So once again...we are still waiting. I never knew how true the statement, "waiting is the hardest part" really is.

So here is my song for the moment:

"While I'm Waiting" by John Waller

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Takeing every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24b

It's been a while hasn't it? So much for using this as a place to express my feelings...

I wish I had more time, I have so many thoughts flowing all of the time and by the time I have a second to come here to write it down I feel overwhelmed because there is so much to say and I won't have time to say it all.

After the last update we took a nice trip to New Jersey. Well I guess "nice" isn't the right word. We went up there to be with the family for a Hospice Meeting for my grandmother. It was nice that Ansley and Zach got to meet some relatives though.

Since then however, things have taken a turn for the worse. After 3 more months of chemo they found that the cancer in her chest area had progressed some, that the cancer was also now in her brain and in her bones. They did 20 radiation treatments on her brain and we will find out in 4 days whether or not it did any good.

About a week and a half ago my mom broke her collar bone because the cancer had made her bones so brittle that it just snapped. She was in the hospital, but came home after a couple days. Thankfully, her sister was able to come stay with her to take care of her. Unfortunately, she leaves tomorrow :(

I am so brokenhearted because she is in constant pain. She is trying not to take the really high dose pain killers during the day because it makes her so confused and so out of it. Normally she tries to pretend everything is ok and she isn't even doing that anymore. You can just look at her and know that she is ill...very ill.

I'm confused, scared, lonely, etc. I had finally come to a place where I was just believing God was going to heal her...finally!! And then BAM, more hits. I'm still trying so hard to just simply believe.

My mom has said that if the MRI on Wednesday shows no improvement than she is going to stop her treatments altogether. That scares me to death :( Obviously, I can't blame her, but everything is just becoming so much more real...FAST!

I keep telling God that if this is about me learning some kind of lesson to help me learn it fast so that she will be ok. I'm sure that isn't right, but that's how I'm feeling right now. I can't begin to imagine what I'm going to feel if the news is bad on Wednesday. I don't want to think about it. How can I keep my mind occupied the next few days? I'll just answer my own question: I can keep it occupied thinking about how wonderful God has been to me, that He keeps His promises, that everything He does is for my good. I can read His Word, listen to His Spirit, worship Him for who He is...not for who I want Him to be.

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”