"Peace"

When we found out in December that the cancer had metastasized and that it was very bad one of my initial prayers was that I not pretend at all through the experience. I had just finished reading Mary Beth Chapmans book and so appreciated her honesty with her emotions. I prayed I would just be as genuine as possible and not hide what I'm truly feeling. That's key I believe to this subject.

From the onset I've been very "ok" for lack of a better term. I've cried some here and there, but I've never had this big emotional breakdown. I kept saying, "I know it's coming...", but then it never did. Most of the people around me have wondered how I've not fallen apart. God kept reminding me that His peace "surpassed all understanding", but somehow I kept shooting down that thought. I guess because it's just so hard to fathom?? I really don't know. I've been praying for months now for God to show me if it was His peace or was I in some major emotional drought. It's like that story about the person out in the ocean who keeps asking God to save him and God keeps sending him help, but the person keeps denying it. I think that's what I've been doing. I'll say at times that I know it's His peace that is getting me through, but then the very next day I believe the lie of the enemy instead. This cycle has repeated itself over the last few months.

I began a Bible study a few weeks ago: "Discerning the Voice of God". It's been groundbreaking for me in a lot of areas. We humans make things so much more complicated than they need to be. God has spoken to me so much through this study and I've been so much more aware of His Spirit in my life.

Today I felt the Spirit promting me to call my mom and basically tell her that if she was fighting on my behalf, that it was ok with me if she stopped fighting. I wrestled with it for a while because I didn't want her to somehow be waiting on someone to tell her that so she would know it was time to stop fighting. I eventually called and we talked about it for a while and she said she didn't think that's what she was doing, but she appreciated the freedom. Literally about 10-15 minutes later I read these words in my Bible Study:

"I know God is speaking to me when in spite of my initial struggle, an undeniable release and peace follows when I have obeyed his voice. When I finally do the thing He has been nudging me to do, whether it's letting something or someone go, or taking a step toward the unknown, there is a deep calm in my soul. Where my heart and mind were once filled with terrible angst, I am now filled with a supernatural peace."

I knew then that I had been sensitive to the Spirit's direction and that once again God's peace had flooded my heart in a new way. The whole study was on His peace and how, "God graciously gives us His peace so He can demonstrate His supernatural activity in our lives." When I read that I KNEW that all of this back and forth in my head and heart needed to stop!! It is His peace that has carried me through the last 7 months and it's going to be His peace that carries me through the rest of the battle. I simply must stop listening to the enemy tell me otherwise!!

My life verse has always been John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you. Not as the world gives do I give unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

It's amazed me through the years how this verse has applied to so many areas of my life. It has truly been a "life verse". And even now as I face the biggest trial I've ever had to face my Father is using it once again to encourage me. I always said that if I faced this situation "there is no way I could ever make it". We've all said that and we all believe it..but it is so wrong. I think we are setting ourselves up to distrust God by saying that. I'm so grateful that from the very beginning of this struggle He just picked me up and carried me...well, carries me. It's not over yet. I pray I continue to let him and I ask that you pray that for me also.