“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” Mark 9:24b

It's been a while hasn't it? So much for using this as a place to express my feelings...

I wish I had more time, I have so many thoughts flowing all of the time and by the time I have a second to come here to write it down I feel overwhelmed because there is so much to say and I won't have time to say it all.

After the last update we took a nice trip to New Jersey. Well I guess "nice" isn't the right word. We went up there to be with the family for a Hospice Meeting for my grandmother. It was nice that Ansley and Zach got to meet some relatives though.

Since then however, things have taken a turn for the worse. After 3 more months of chemo they found that the cancer in her chest area had progressed some, that the cancer was also now in her brain and in her bones. They did 20 radiation treatments on her brain and we will find out in 4 days whether or not it did any good.

About a week and a half ago my mom broke her collar bone because the cancer had made her bones so brittle that it just snapped. She was in the hospital, but came home after a couple days. Thankfully, her sister was able to come stay with her to take care of her. Unfortunately, she leaves tomorrow :(

I am so brokenhearted because she is in constant pain. She is trying not to take the really high dose pain killers during the day because it makes her so confused and so out of it. Normally she tries to pretend everything is ok and she isn't even doing that anymore. You can just look at her and know that she is ill...very ill.

I'm confused, scared, lonely, etc. I had finally come to a place where I was just believing God was going to heal her...finally!! And then BAM, more hits. I'm still trying so hard to just simply believe.

My mom has said that if the MRI on Wednesday shows no improvement than she is going to stop her treatments altogether. That scares me to death :( Obviously, I can't blame her, but everything is just becoming so much more real...FAST!

I keep telling God that if this is about me learning some kind of lesson to help me learn it fast so that she will be ok. I'm sure that isn't right, but that's how I'm feeling right now. I can't begin to imagine what I'm going to feel if the news is bad on Wednesday. I don't want to think about it. How can I keep my mind occupied the next few days? I'll just answer my own question: I can keep it occupied thinking about how wonderful God has been to me, that He keeps His promises, that everything He does is for my good. I can read His Word, listen to His Spirit, worship Him for who He is...not for who I want Him to be.

“I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”