I don't even know where to begin. Mostly because I am in a phase right now where I could not even begin to tell you what is going on in my brain. I've wanted to come and write a few times, but it was just impossible to put into words what I was thinking. Even now - I'm just kind of blank.

I've had a couple of emotional breakdowns in some odd places the last couple of weeks :(

I had a doctor's appt on the 13th (which was the 2 month anniversary). After the nurse who shouldn't be allowed to communicate with people made me feel "something" (again, not sure of the right word) and then I had to answer questions about BC history I just kind of melted down - in front of my doctor. I actually think it was a good thing because she was able to see "where I am". We are gonna try some medicine to help me through the next few months. So far it has really upset my stomach, I'm hoping that won't last long. I don't think it could have made a difference this fast, but Danny thinks I seem "better" for lack of a better word.

My 2nd breakdown was when I picked up the RX this week. The pharmacist asked if I had taken this before and I told her no. She immediately got this look of pity and said, "you'll feel better in a couple days" - and I immediately burst into tears. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it I guess. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I've really not been looking forward to this weekend. Maybe starting the medicine when I did will be helpful especially now.

I got to thinking this morning that my mom is getting to celebrate the ultimate Christmas and that made me happy for a little bit :) I'm trying to hard to concentrate on the good things in my life - it's just really hard sometimes.

A year ago...

...it was a year ago that we found out my mom's cancer had returned.

The night before we had been encouraging her to go the doctor because she had been coughing for a couple months and we thought she had pneumonia. She called me that Monday morning and told me she was having an Xray. I waited all afternoon to hear back from her and she never called.

I was driving to an ornament party and just knew something wasn't right because she hadn't called. So I called her and she still wouldn't talk about the xray. Finally I had to ask her and that's when she told me that the cancer had come back in her lungs. It was like a stab in the heart. I even remember where I was - I was on Blanding between Wells Rd. and 295. It's like a picture got snapped at that moment.

It was a few days later they told us there was nothing they could do and that she may have a month. I rememer just not being able to grasp that concept. Thankfully though they did try some radiation and it helped a lot for a while. So instead of a month, we got 10 months :):)

I do still struggle with "why" but like we learned last weekend in Pensacola, the best answer is "Perhaps...". There could be any number of reasons and I don't need to know why. Yes, I do still want to know, but I don't need to know. I'm trying really hard to just trust God in all of it. I seemed to not have much of a problem before she died, but now it's a whole lot harder.

We were watching a Veggie Tales the other day and the closing scripture was Hebrews 10:36 - "You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

Yeah, I don't think I heard one word from that whole episode until the very end. It was so for me.

Progress...

Not sure if "progress" is the right term or not. I guess it is...I'm seeing progress in this process. Normally "progress" has a more positive conotation to it though and I'm not sure I feel positve right now.

Up until a couple weeks ago it was like I coudn't force myself to cry. Now however, I basically cry off and on all day. Isn't it just like a woman to ask for something to happen and then complain when it does? :) Actually, I'm not complaining about it. In fact I'm very glad that the emotions have finally surfaced. I guess I had just packed so many in there that they finally started seeping out. Sometimes it's a trickle, sometimes it's a geyser.

As Christmas gets closer I get more and more sad. I talked to my dad last night and we both agreed that we didn't want to be at his house. It would just be so "in your face" that someone was missing. Just thinking about being there without her makes me cry. I was there Monday night and it's just so off. :(

It's not just Christmas though that makes me sad. I'm just plain sad. And the word "sad" really comes nowhere close to how I feel. There is just an emptiness. My heart is broken. I know that God comforts and binds up the broken hearted and I do take comfort in that, but it's hard to see right now how my heart could ever be fully mended. My mom and best friend in the entire world is just gone. Even though it's getting more real, it's still seems so bizarre to say.

She had done some recordings for us on her own. I started listening to them the other day. I laughed so hard because these recordings were just so "her"...and then I cried so hard because I wasn't going to experience "her" again in this life. Maybe it was too early to listen to them, I don't know. I haven't since and right now I don't have a desire to again anytime soon. Baby steps I guess.

Danny told me that when I put the kids to bed at night it's like a switch goes off with me and I turn into a different person. I hadn't really thought about it until he said it, but it makes sense. During the day it's pretty easy to be distracted with tending to 2 little ones. But once they are in bed it's just like, "Bam!"...your mom is dead and now you have all the time in the world to dwell on it. I feel badly because I don't talk to Danny much about it. I don't really talk to anyone actually. I will at some point. Writing here is the best outlet I have right now. I just have such a hard time talking about feelings like this. I want to so badly...I try to make myself. I actually fight with myself, but the words just don't come out.

Satan has been attacking with the whole guilt thing. I should have done more of this, less of that. I should have said this more...that kind of thing. I keep reliving the last few days over and over again. I'm assuming all that is normal. Not sure if it's healthy though?

I guess yeah, it is progress. That whole "5 Stages" thing. I guess maybe I thought that since it was happening gradually it wouldn't be so hard after, but boy was I wrong!!! I am so glad though that we had that time together. I wouldn't have traded it for anything.

"Yet for love's sake" Part 2

Well, today was a pretty darn good day.

We got to the conference in PLENTY of time…we were able to get front row(of our section) seats and they were better than last night. I got a chance to visit with a sweet friend I very rarely get to see too.

The praise team began with more Christmas music. It was so fantastic. That man (Travis Cottrell) can just flat out sing. Actually when Beth Moore got up to speak she said something like, “people wonder if that ever gets old to us and trust me, it never does.”

Even during the Christmas music, God was just speaking all over me!! I love “Joy to the World” and particularly the last verse:

He rules the world with truth and grace,
And makes the nations prove
The glories of His righteousness,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders of His love,
And wonders, wonders, of His love.

Well today while singing it, it kinda said something I’d never “heard” before. That He MAKES the nations prove His glory and the wonder of His love. I guess for this season of life it was encouraging to hear.

Then he sang “O Holy Night”. This was my mom’s favorite Christmas song. As he was singing it I was trying really hard to use my imagination to imagine that night. And I really felt for a while like I was able to see and feel how that night happened. I’m sure it didn’t happen exactly like I was imagining, but it was neat to just stop for a few minutes and really put myself there.

He sang another song I’d never heard before and it was after that one that Beth made the above comment. Worship this weekend was just PHENOMENAL!!! There are seriously no words to describe it!

Now on to the teaching!! Within the first 5 minutes I was crying because she was talking about moms and actually asked people who had lost their moms to raise their hands. She told a story that was an encouragement because now I know that in 40 years I am going to miss her just as much as I do today.

I’ll be honest…after last night’s session I was kind of wondering what it was that God had for me. I was trying to figure it out and not coming up with anything. Well today I definitely got spoken to!! Probably the thing I liked the most was from Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,” The point being that we won’t know this side of Heaven what the reason is for whatever God has chosen or allowed for us, but that “perhaps” it could be any number of things. That is just very freeing. A few of the other snippets were:

We can live with pain better than we can live with purposelessness.

That which makes us the most joyful isn’t always what makes us the most useful.

You will never be more like Christ than when you grace someone who does not deserve it

I’ve never studied Philemon before and I really found it fascinating. I learned a lot that I had never known. Even some very interesting facts that help clear up some confusion in some recent Sunday School lessons. I just love learning how alive God’s Word truly is.

One of the greatest moments of the day was when I got to pray with a dear friend. This girl has such a big heart and it’s so broken. I pray for total healing and restoration for her all the time. She gave me the most wonderful gift though, she told me that she could hear my mom talking as I was talking. I couldn’t help but smile. My mom was such an encourager and it’s such a compliment to be compared to her in any way. I hope my friend knows how much that meant to me.

Beth Moore told a very personal story and got very emotional. In all the studies we’ve done, I’ve never seen her cry to the point where she couldn’t talk or need tissues. I just love her transparency.

The closing worship was just as good as all the rest and I truly did not want it to end. We didn’t even know what to say to each other on the way to the car. I really do wish these conferences were longer.

We had a blast the rest of the day…just being silly and crazy. We walked on the beach, took tons of pictures, went to the boardwalk, laughed ridiculously hard all night, went to eat, locked Mandi and Mandy out of the car and made them dance so we would open the door (even though they were expecting it and were much too compliant), we went to the pool/hot tub and laughed even more. Then we watched a movie. The sissies are in bed, but Ashley and I are sitting on the balcony right now listening to the ocean and sipping our hot chocolate. I’m writing and she’s reading. I’m soooooo relaxed!!

This weekend has been just perfect. I really can’t remember the last time I have laughed so hard and so much in such a short amount of time. This trip was perfect timing too. I think we all (for our own respective reasons) just needed some rest and relaxation. But we also needed some time to get to know our Father more. It’s just been great that it’s all been rolled into one weekend!

"Yet for love's sake" Part 1

I’ve got a lot to say so I gotta start writing so I don’t forget it all!

The Beth Moore “Living Proof” event started tonight. I’ve been praying for a couple days that we would all get specific messages from God. We had a great drive to Pensacola, a little excitement in getting locked out of our condoJ and made some good memories.

We got to the civic center and got some really great seats.

Worship started. If you have never been to a Travis Cottrell concert, I imagine this is what Heaven has to be like…at least a little bit J I’m not even sure the name of the first worship song, it’s one I’ve heard and sang a hundred times before there was one line that really spoke to me. (so of course God answered my prayer almost immediately) The lyric is “our God is Healer, awesome in power…” I’ve been praying for the past year that He would heal my mom. And even though I already knew it, it was just an IN YOUR FACE reminder that He gave her the ultimate healing. I couldn’t help but smile J

We sang a hymn medley that I really liked a lot and then came to one of my favorites. Now, some backstory: 2 years ago at the Beth Moore Living Proof Simulcast I asked for God to give me a specific gift to show me that He loved me and I asked to sing a particular song – one that was really ministering to me at the time. And it was this same song…”Revelation Song”. I remember when I heard the first few notes a couple years ago just immediately welling up with tears because I knew He was giving me what I had asked for. Well tonight when I heard the first few notes I just smiled remembering that gift from 2 years ago. As we began to sing the song though, it took on a whole new meaning. We sang the chorus once and I  As we got to the chorus:

Holy, Holy, Holy
Is the Lord God Almighty
Who was, and is, and is to come
With all creation I sing:
Praise to the King of Kings!
You are my everything,
And I will adore You…!

All I could do was begin to weep because this was exactly what my mom was singing to her Savior! I couldn’t help but smile and cry imagining her in that setting. I guess there were some tears of sadness, but mostly it was tears of joy, because she was finally where she was meant to be and doing what she was created for – worshiping Christ. As we continued to sing I began to think of it as both of us were singing and worshiping before the Throne of Grace – she was just a little closer than I was J

We sang a song I’d never heard before, I’m thinking maybe he had written it and it was just beautiful and really spoke to me. I kinda think that the music spoke to me more tonight than anything. When we ended for the night we sang “In Christ Alone” which speaks for itself and if you’ve never heard him do it live you are totally missing out and  “I Love You Lord” which is one of my all time favorite worship songs from back in the day. I know I say “favorite” a lot, but I just love so many of themJ

I definitely feel like the music spoke to me more tonight than anything else. Maybe tomorrow will be different, but either way I am expecting God to speak in some way J

The emotions have definitely started to overflow. I have done a whole lot of crying (and real crying at that) in the past week. Different sources (other blogs, songs, stories) have really brought it up. I'm glad it's happening. I feel like it's finally starting to be real somehow.

On Tuesday I got the chance to go visit one of our students from ILC. I had told my mom about this girl back in the summer when I first met her. She had a baby last week so Sandy, Kristin and I got to go visit. Ansley and Zach came along too. She was in a small, rundown apartment, but the generosity she showed to me was more than most people ever would. We were only there 5 minutes, but when we left she gave both Ansley and Zach one of her own kids toys. At first I didn't know how to react. She doesn't speak much English so it's hard to communicate. I just told her thank you so much and hugged her and she kept saying she loved Ansley and Zach. I was talking with one of the other teachers and she told me it makes them feel so good when they can do something like that for people who are generally "helping" them instead. For whatever reason I had felt an instant connection with this girl back in the summer and I'm so glad I was able to go visit. When I got in the car to leave though there was just this immense heaviness because I so badly wanted to tell my mom what had happened. I know most of my posts seem to end up being about, "I wish I had the ability to tell my mom...", but from what I hear that's not going to go away anytime soon.

The last couple days I've been thinking about how I need to really start concentrating on how grateful I am for the blessings through this process. 2 months ago I was all, "I'm counting it all joy"...and I was at the time, however I kinda lost that when she died. I really want to be there again. We are going to Pensacola tomorrow for the Beth Moore conference and I'm praying for a specific word from The Word!

It's been almost a year since we were told the cancer had come back. At the time we thought she only had a couple months. We got about 10 months instead. I am so grateful for that. When she had that amazing scan back in March showing the cancer was 90% gone it was just crazy! I still never thought everything was going to be fine, but I guess I did think it was going to extend her time more than it did. But now looking back I think God did that so that we could have one last (happy) trip as a family. We went to NJ in April and it was a great time. More memories to add to those that I pray I will never forget.

Ok, right now I'm just kinda overwhelmed with wanting to see her face and hearing her wonderful laugh. That's all for now...