Being thankful

Last night in GriefShare the session was about "Why?". Honestly, that's not a question I've asked a whole lot in regards to myself. I've wondered why He would take her away from Ansley and Zach, but I can see reasons why He would have taken her from me. It's comforting to kind of have some answers to the "why's".  Not all of them of course, but at least in regards to me. Maybe God will be gracious and let me get to see the answers to some of the the "why's" about Ansley and Zach too.

But then we got to talking about being thankful and how it's hard to be sad when you are concentrating on being grateful, honestly I didn't think much about it last night. Just now though as I was doing my Bible Study and reading some Grief Share emails the Holy Spirit put a thought into my head. I AM thankful that it happened when it did. Yes, I would have preferred it be when I'm 60 something years old like it "normally" does, but I am very glad it didn't happen 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or when I was a young girl. I won't pressume to know how I would have reacted, but I have a pretty good feeling that I would not have reacted the way I have at this point in my walk with God. I think it probably would have driven me farther from God than I was at those times. 5 years ago God had gotten ahold of me and I had turned back to Him. I was still in such a fragil state and not getting a lot of encouragement from anyone around me. That would have been such a bad time to lose her because God used her so much in these last 5 years to encourage, lead and help me. I'm really glad it didn't happen 10 years ago because I was so far away from God at that point that I may have never turned back to Him. I'm also glad it didn't happen 5 years from now (or more), when Ansley and Zach would have been more severely affected by her loss. I don't think it's going to affect Zach at all, but I do think it's already affecting Ansley. She is asking questions and making comments that just throw me for a loop at how she is thinking about these kinds of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if she had to die, He picked the perfect time. I know, big shock right? :) I have to say, thinking that way makes me feel just a little bit lighter.

This weekend was my first scrapping trip without her and thankfully it went just about how I wanted. As I was packing up the car by myself and riding down on Thursday I was feeling extremely lonely and sad. And just out of sorts. When I got there and started setting my stuff up it just felt weird. When Diana came and hugged me so tight I started to cry just a little bit and then that was it. I had a fantastic weekend and accomplished something (The Ropes Course) that I really didn't think I was going to be able to do from down on the ground. It sounds kinda silly, but I kept thinking about my mom and how much she would like to have seen me do this and I just set my mind on finishing it...and I did, and it was a blast :):)!! Oh and I kicked butt at it too if I do say so myself ;)

I worked on a small album of the family pictures we took in August. That did put me in a bit of a mood. I just turned my music up and didn't talk to anyone while I worked on it. I finished it about 3am on Sunday morning :) All in all, it was a good first trip without her. I wanted to miss her and I did, but I wasn't miserable and I had a lot of fun!

When I got home yesterday I showed Ansley the album of those pictures. I'm not sure if it confused her or what because a few minutes later she asked if Mimi was at home with Poppy and her hair was growing again. It kinda shocked me and it took me a few seconds to remind her that Mimi was in Heaven at home with Jesus. Then she said the most heartbreaking thing. She said, "but Poppy wants her to be home with him". Once again, I just didnt' know what to say. So I told her that I wanted her here too, but that God knows what is best and He decided it was time for her to be with Him in Heaven. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, but she is definitely starting to be more curious.

One thing that was said last night is that maybe sometimes God allows the suffering of our loved ones to help us let go. I think that is so true. You are so much more ready to see them leave because you know it means no more suffering for them. As hard as it is to watch, maybe it does make the letting go easier.

There were so many things from last nights session that were just fantastic. I am so glad to be a part of this group!

I'm also thankful for all the new lessons I'm learning through this. These to me are some of the "why" answers. I'm just learning and experiencing things I never would have gotten to experience without going through this trial. Like I was reading tonight for BSF: "...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthins 4:17)

Thank you God for never wasting anything about our life experiences!

We are beginning to have to make some important decisions about Ansley's education. Well, we don't have to make the decision right now, but the time is getting closer. On one hand I would really like to talk to my mom and get her opinion on things and seek her wisdom. But on the other hand there is this relief of pressure (for lack of a better term) that she will approve of our decisions. I've said before how I used her as my human Holy Spirit. This was never a role that I don't think she even realized I had given her. Well, it's some how freeing to know that I don't need her approval anymore. I think to a certain extent we all seek the approval of our parents and that's not wrong in itself. I just know that in my case if she said it was ok than I took that as the Lord saying "yes" to me. Maybe "it" was "ok", but it still doesn't mean it was His plan for me.

Maybe at times it will be harder because I will never know if I would have had her approval on certain things. It's just so strange to me how I can miss something so much (my mom) and at the same time be kinda glad that I don't need it (her approval) anymore. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I shared it with my dad and my Aunt Margaret and they seemed to get it :) I think a lot of us looked to my mom for her approval on things - maybe not even intentionally. I'm sure we are all learning to lean on the Father more than ever before.

I was talking to my BSF leader today and realized something else. When I heard about ILC about a year ago I was so excited because I knew that God had answered a pray of mine...just in His way, not mine :) Well, I love how He can answer the prayers of His people and at the same time lead them to a place where they are going to be ministered to in a way they never would have otherwise. God has put 2 specific women in my life this year who have both lost their mothers and God has used them in very specific ways to encourage me and help me along this journey. Cami is in my discussion group at BSF and Kristin is one of the teachers I help at ILC. I just think it's the coolest thing that I thought God was answering a longtime prayer for me at the same time He was answering an unknown prayer of mine because I didn't know that I was going to need these women. I'm just continually amazed at how cool He is and how He works out all the little details. It's this kind of love and "attention to detail" that just proves His existence.

A couple weeks ago I had my first dream about my mom. I don't remember if the dream was good or bad. What I do remember is being woken up suddenly by Ansley...right in the middle of my dream. I was so upset I couldn't even stand it. I know she didn't mean anything by it - she was just doing her normal morning thing, but I felt myself being angry at her because she had taken me away from my mom. I spent most of that day in a real funk. I had another dream a few nights later and while I don't remember the details (I never do), I do know that it was a good dream and I got to finish it this time!!! :):) God is good in so many ways.

This weekend (starting tomorrow)...well, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm wondering if it's one of those things that I'm setting myself up for this huge emotional time and it's going to end up being nothing. It's our annual Scrapbooking Retreat and this is the first time I'll be going scrapbooking without my mom. Now, normally on most trips she would just annoy me to death because she would always lose her tools or she would NEVER make a decison (can't help but smile at that) or she would just wander around aimlessly. I would normally get annoyed and we would have some kind of tif. Well last year I knew that barring a miracle it was going to be our last trip so I prayed that God would give us a great time together. And HE DID!!! We had beautiful weather the entire time, we sat outside on the big wrap around porch in rocking chairs and talked and cried together. We never fought once and I never even got the slightest bit annoyed! We had the funniest times together at night sleeping on couches in the common room because her sister snored so loud. We would giggle together and wrap up in blankets and head to the leather couches. It was just the most wonderful time. This time however, I have to drive down alone and I won't have my mom sitting next to me or sleeping next to me. Yes, I will have my friends and my aunts...but it's not going to be the same. I was telling Jenny today, "I want to miss her in a happy way". I want to feel an ache, feel that something is missing, but at the same time I want to have some fun, relax and be productive. I'm just not sure where that balance is. It's just still so hard to believe she's gone....pretty sure I'm going to be saying that for a very long time :(