Dear Mama,
Let me start off by saying that I am well aware that I
should be talking to my heavenly Father right now and not to you. Perhaps it’s
guilt that I’m not. More than anything though I think it’s just because I so desperately
miss talking to you and hearing your voice and your wisdom. While I may not get
to hear your response, for some reason I still need to “talk to you” tonight.
The tears have just come in a flood…
I miss you so much
Marmie!!! So much I can barely breathe. I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I can’t
even remember your voice. How is that possible? It hasn’t really been that
long! I hate that you aren’t here. I hate it so much I can hardly stand it. I
am so angry. So very angry. My heart is still so broken that I wonder if it is
ever going to mend. (there I go being melodramatic again ;) ) I want to hug you
for all the times that I didn’t hug you because I’m not a hugger. I wish I could
go back and spend those last few weeks sitting at your side 24 hours a day. I
know that other people needed time with you and I am glad they got that
opportunity, but in my own selfish way I wish that I had still been there. Of
course, back then I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal so I
withdrew like I still do much too often.
There is so much I want to just spill out to someone. The problem
is I want that person to be you. I know I have Danny…and Mandi, Mandy, Cindy,
Kristin and others, but I want it to be you!!!! I am struggling so hard right
now with addictions, with secret sins, with depression, with spiritual attacks
and convictions and it’s all seeming to come to a head. You are the one person who
I could verbally open up to about my real inner weaknesses and it hurts so bad
that I can’t!!! I have tried to be comforted in the fact that I’m going to see
you again in Heaven, but I’ll be honest…yes, it makes me happy, but it’s not a complete
comfort. In Heaven you aren’t going to be my Mama. This is a relationship we
are never going to have again and that may break my heart more than anything
else. I’m not sure if it’s wrong for me to feel that way, but it’s how I’m
feeling and I want you to know.
In the midst of my turmoil and depression there are exciting
things happening. I have no doubt that you are aware of them, but I still wish
you could be here to celebrate with me. My first missions trip mom!!! It makes me so happy (and scared all at the
same time) You are the first person I wanted to call and the one person I couldn’t.
I so with we could be sharing all of this together. You would be so proud of
dad though…he’s been such a support to me in this (which I believe you are aware
of too J )
I want to talk to you about Ansley and Zach…tell you how
they are changing. If I’m totally honest, I wish you could be here to see how
much they are changing. I gotta tell you though…Ansley has not forgotten you. Not
by a long shot. I believe that God is going to keep your memory alive in her
heart. I really do. I’ve made her an
album of pictures of just you and her so that she will have something to keep with
her always. And as for Zach…I don’t know how it’s possible, but he talks about
you all the time too. One day we got to your house and his first question was “is
Mimi here?” It really floored me. Literally, no exaggeration. I was stunned. I
don’t know how he remembers. Perhaps God is going to give him the gift of your
memory (small as it might be) also.
In my head I know that God’s plan is best and that this was
the path He chose for all of us, but mama in my heart I’m really struggling
with it. I know your response already so I guess in a way I can still hear your
response to me. Maybe I am more angry with Him than I have realized. I’ve been
trying to claim what I know to be true…and just praying that my heart will
catch up. It just hasn’t happened yet.
I don’t know if you would approve of this or not, but I’m
doing it anyway; ) I’m getting a tattoo to remember you by J You know how we always
said “I love love love you”. Well, I’m having that tattooed on my left wrist in
your handwriting so that I can look down at it whenever I want and have that
visual reminder of you and your amazing and unselfish love for me. Speaking of…I don’t know how you were “you”
with me. You were so unselfish and giving and loving. I just can’t seem to
reproduce this with Ansley and Zach!!! I feel like such a failure most of the
time. I don’t think I’m necessarily comparing myself to you because I know you
weren’t perfect, but you were such a good example and I miss it so terribly.
More tears are flowing as I think of our memories together. Most
of the time I try to block them out because, well, that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve
always done. Hopefully someday I will really be able to let them flow and just
relive them. Maybe it will be like making new memories all over again.
Now that I think about it, I did relive a memory of ours
recently. I was thinking about the last time we were in the car together. It was
the date that the doctor told us it was time to go home, call hospice and
finish your time on Earth. We were driving on 95 and I reached over, took your
hand and we just held hands and cried. I pray that memory never fades even the
littlest bit.
I was also recently thinking about when the funeral home came
to get you and how hard it was for them to take you out of the house. How I stopped
them a couple times just so I could look at you and kiss you a few more times.
What I wouldn’t give to kiss you now…
I wish I could write a letter that lasted forever so that I would
never have to stop this “communication”. The thought of even ending this letter
breaks my heart to pieces. I thought I knew heartbreak. You thought you saw my
biggest heartbreak, but woman…you ain’t seen nothing. I didn’t know the pain
could be this intense. I’ve said a couple times that I could literally feel the
physical pain of heartache…but pain doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel
a lot of the time.
I know you are enjoying yourself in ways you never dreamed
possible and I’m so happy that you are. I truly can’t wait to join you there.
Even if you won’t be my “mama” you will still be my “sister” and I guess I can
settle for that.
I love love love you,
Brittany Lynn
Added: As I was finishing writing this letter...this song came on. I thought it was appropriate since it was one of your favorites :) And maybe not a response from you, but a response from my Father :)
Added: As I was finishing writing this letter...this song came on. I thought it was appropriate since it was one of your favorites :) And maybe not a response from you, but a response from my Father :)
