It's amazing how the most random things can trigger memories that bring searing pain in an instant. Or how seemingly nothing at all can happen and yet memories just jump into my mind at all hours of the day.
This has been happening a lot the last month or so.
I guess it probably started around my birthday. I have so many memories of birthdays spent with my "birthday twin" and particularly our last one. They are bittersweet memories because it was precious time and we knew we were never going to get to celebrate together again.
Since then however, it has become more random and much more frequent. A song, a smell, a Scripture passage, or as I said - nothing at all and I feel as if I'm reliving Late Summer/Early Fall of last year. I can see her exactly how she was: skinny, bruised and bald. Maybe at some point that isn't how I will "remember" her looking, but right now it is. Funny thing is, she only looked like that for 3 months out of her entire battle. I guess it was enough to make a lasting impression though. We listened to so much music and read so many passaged of God's Word that it seems like everything reminds me of those last 5 weeks. I can still hear the oxygen machine. I can still smell her protein drink. I can still see the pain in her face. I can still remember the fight in my own heart of wanting to keep her here, but wanting her to go even more.
I'm guessing the next couple of months will get worse where this is concerned. As "dates" start to mean more and more. The date of her last scans. The date the doctor told us there was nothing more to be done. The date the hospice nurse told us it wouldn't be more than a week. And of course the date where we said goodbye to her. Even the date of her Memorial Service, because it was such a beautiful day...in more ways than one.
My dad said it's been happening to him some too.
I have to be honest and say I like the memories. As sad a time as it was, it was still precious and holy time and I would relive it a thousand times. I like when I can just let myself fall totally back into that time for a little while and soak it in. I know these memories will fade with time, so I want to keep them alive as long as I can.
Today I got one of the biggest triggers I've had yet...
My Aunt Kay, who is one of my mom's dearest friends has been battling Parkinsons for a very long time. I knew that the medication wasn't working anymore and she was going to be having brain surgery. This morning when I woke up there was a voicemail from her. She had broken her hip and was at a rehab center. Her message was kind of confusing, but I knew instantly that I needed to see her. I was able to spend some wonderful time with her today talking and catching up. It was really like talking to my mom because they were so likeminded. I was so humbled by this woman who was in extreme pain while dealing with such a horrible disease and quoting Scripture to me in the midst of it. It was a beautiful thing.
There were just so many simliarities to her condition now and how my mom was. I couldn't help but think about it all over again. It broke my heart seeing her like she was, but I know God is using her in the lives of so many people.
I love getting to talk to my moms friends about her. It's so fun to get to talk to people who knew her just as well as I did. And I still love that so many people loved her. And that so many people still miss her so much.
