Dear Mama,

Dear Mama,

Let me start off by saying that I am well aware that I should be talking to my heavenly Father right now and not to you. Perhaps it’s guilt that I’m not. More than anything though I think it’s just because I so desperately miss talking to you and hearing your voice and your wisdom. While I may not get to hear your response, for some reason I still need to “talk to you” tonight.

The tears have just come in a flood…

 I miss you so much Marmie!!! So much I can barely breathe. I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I can’t even remember your voice. How is that possible? It hasn’t really been that long! I hate that you aren’t here. I hate it so much I can hardly stand it. I am so angry. So very angry. My heart is still so broken that I wonder if it is ever going to mend. (there I go being melodramatic again ;) ) I want to hug you for all the times that I didn’t hug you because I’m not a hugger. I wish I could go back and spend those last few weeks sitting at your side 24 hours a day. I know that other people needed time with you and I am glad they got that opportunity, but in my own selfish way I wish that I had still been there. Of course, back then I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal so I withdrew like I still do much too often.

There is so much I want to just spill out to someone. The problem is I want that person to be you. I know I have Danny…and Mandi, Mandy, Cindy, Kristin and others, but I want it to be you!!!! I am struggling so hard right now with addictions, with secret sins, with depression, with spiritual attacks and convictions and it’s all seeming to come to a head. You are the one person who I could verbally open up to about my real inner weaknesses and it hurts so bad that I can’t!!! I have tried to be comforted in the fact that I’m going to see you again in Heaven, but I’ll be honest…yes, it makes me happy, but it’s not a complete comfort. In Heaven you aren’t going to be my Mama. This is a relationship we are never going to have again and that may break my heart more than anything else. I’m not sure if it’s wrong for me to feel that way, but it’s how I’m feeling and I want you to know.

In the midst of my turmoil and depression there are exciting things happening. I have no doubt that you are aware of them, but I still wish you could be here to celebrate with me. My first missions trip mom!!!  It makes me so happy (and scared all at the same time) You are the first person I wanted to call and the one person I couldn’t. I so with we could be sharing all of this together. You would be so proud of dad though…he’s been such a support to me in this (which I believe you are aware of too J )

I want to talk to you about Ansley and Zach…tell you how they are changing. If I’m totally honest, I wish you could be here to see how much they are changing. I gotta tell you though…Ansley has not forgotten you. Not by a long shot. I believe that God is going to keep your memory alive in her heart. I really do.  I’ve made her an album of pictures of just you and her so that she will have something to keep with her always. And as for Zach…I don’t know how it’s possible, but he talks about you all the time too. One day we got to your house and his first question was “is Mimi here?” It really floored me. Literally, no exaggeration. I was stunned. I don’t know how he remembers. Perhaps God is going to give him the gift of your memory (small as it might be) also.

In my head I know that God’s plan is best and that this was the path He chose for all of us, but mama in my heart I’m really struggling with it. I know your response already so I guess in a way I can still hear your response to me. Maybe I am more angry with Him than I have realized. I’ve been trying to claim what I know to be true…and just praying that my heart will catch up. It just hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t know if you would approve of this or not, but I’m doing it anyway; ) I’m getting a tattoo to remember you by J You know how we always said “I love love love you”. Well, I’m having that tattooed on my left wrist in your handwriting so that I can look down at it whenever I want and have that visual reminder of you and your amazing and unselfish love for me.  Speaking of…I don’t know how you were “you” with me. You were so unselfish and giving and loving. I just can’t seem to reproduce this with Ansley and Zach!!! I feel like such a failure most of the time. I don’t think I’m necessarily comparing myself to you because I know you weren’t perfect, but you were such a good example and I miss it so terribly.

More tears are flowing as I think of our memories together. Most of the time I try to block them out because, well, that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. Hopefully someday I will really be able to let them flow and just relive them. Maybe it will be like making new memories all over again.

Now that I think about it, I did relive a memory of ours recently. I was thinking about the last time we were in the car together. It was the date that the doctor told us it was time to go home, call hospice and finish your time on Earth. We were driving on 95 and I reached over, took your hand and we just held hands and cried. I pray that memory never fades even the littlest bit.

I was also recently thinking about when the funeral home came to get you and how hard it was for them to take you out of the house. How I stopped them a couple times just so I could look at you and kiss you a few more times. What I wouldn’t give to kiss you now…

I wish I could write a letter that lasted forever so that I would never have to stop this “communication”. The thought of even ending this letter breaks my heart to pieces. I thought I knew heartbreak. You thought you saw my biggest heartbreak, but woman…you ain’t seen nothing. I didn’t know the pain could be this intense. I’ve said a couple times that I could literally feel the physical pain of heartache…but pain doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel a lot of the time.

I know you are enjoying yourself in ways you never dreamed possible and I’m so happy that you are. I truly can’t wait to join you there. Even if you won’t be my “mama” you will still be my “sister” and I guess I can settle for that.

I love love love you,

Brittany Lynn

Added: As I was finishing writing this letter...this song came on. I thought it was appropriate since it was one of your favorites :) And maybe not a response from you, but a response from my Father :)

Moms and Daughters

A few months ago I was in the car driving and I happened to see a mother and daughter in the car together. I know who they are and I knew what they were doing. They were just spending the day running errands together. Seeing that simple picture sent my head spinning. I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I was never going to get to just run errands in the car again with my mom ever again. I began to cry and then I remembered the last time we were in the car together. It was the day her oncologist told her that it was time to stop treatment, call Hospice and enjoy our time together. We were driving home, neither of us saying a word. I remember reaching over and taking her hand and just holding hands the rest of the way. It will be one of those moments I never forget. Thinking about that made me even more upset of course.

Fast foward to a couple of weeks ago. I was running errands AGAIN and I saw this same mom and daughter AGAIN, doing the same thing. While there was a pang of sadness of course, the overwhelming emotion I felt was bitterness. Not bitterness towards them, just at the situation. I say "bitterness" because it's the best word I can think of, although I don't think it's 100% accurate. I hadn't realized the unhappy feelings brought on by seeing moms and daughters together. I know it's totally unfair and so un Christ-like to have those feelings, but that's what I'm dealing with right now.

I shared this with my dad and he said he totally gets it. He's been in a pretty bad place lately. It seems like it's just getting worse for him. I wish there was something I could do. I've nagged him to the point that he is finally going back to church thankfully. I just can't imagine how lonely he must feel day after day. It truly does break my heart. I don't let myself think about it very often, perhaps I should though.

Most days it still feels like it's not a reality. The only time it does feel real is Sunday's when my dad comes over alone. It's still hard to see him walk in the door alone. I'm wondering how long it will take to "feel real" on a day to day basis.

More Refining

I know that the refining process is supposed to be a good thing and it is supposed to produce something good, but darnit...I'm tired of it.

It's been quite a while since I've written. Things seemed to be going along pretty well until WHAM! I was blindsided by something that even though a part of me knew it would happen, another part of me thought it could never happen. And wouldn't you know, it coincided right with the 1 year anniversary of my mama's home-going. I also lost one of the most special ladies in my life during those few days also. At one point I was just wondering what was going to happen next...talk about overwhelmed.

I wish I could just take my emotions for what they are and not try to always be analyzing them and trying to figure out every single minute detail. There are days when I'm happy, days I'm not so happy and days when I have no idea what I am thinking or feeling. I don't consiously feel stressed, but my body tells me that I am.

Today is one of those days that I mentioned before...a day where I don't know what I'm feeling. So it probably wasn't the best day to blog because I'm just not sure what to say. All I know for sure at this very minute is that God is faithful and He is going to walk me through this process, just as He has been walking, carrying me through the grieving process. I am thankful for that. Right now that has to be enough.

Flashbacks

It's amazing how the most random things can trigger memories that bring searing pain in an instant. Or how seemingly nothing at all can happen and yet memories just jump into my mind at all hours of the day.

This has been happening a lot the last month or so.

I guess it probably started around my birthday. I have so many memories of birthdays spent with my "birthday twin" and particularly our last one. They are bittersweet memories because it was precious time and we knew we were never going to get to celebrate together again.

Since then however, it has become more random and much more frequent. A song, a smell, a Scripture passage, or as I said - nothing at all and I feel as if I'm reliving Late Summer/Early Fall of last year. I can see her exactly how she was: skinny, bruised and bald. Maybe at some point that isn't how I will "remember" her looking, but right now it is. Funny thing is, she only looked like that for 3 months out of her entire battle. I guess it was enough to make a lasting impression though. We listened to so much music and read so many passaged of God's Word that it seems like everything reminds me of those last 5 weeks. I can still hear the oxygen machine. I can still smell her protein drink. I can still see the pain in her face. I can still remember the fight in my own heart of wanting to keep her here, but wanting her to go even more.

I'm guessing the next couple of months will get worse where this is concerned. As "dates" start to mean more and more. The date of her last scans. The date the doctor told us there was nothing more to be done. The date the hospice nurse told us it wouldn't be more than a week. And of course the date where we said goodbye to her. Even the date of her Memorial Service, because it was such a beautiful day...in more ways than one.

My dad said it's been happening to him some too.

I have to be honest and say I like the memories. As sad a time as it was, it was still precious and holy time and I would relive it a thousand times. I like when I can just let myself fall totally back into that time for a little while and soak it in. I know these memories will fade with time, so I want to keep them alive as long as I can.

Today I got one of the biggest triggers I've had yet...

My Aunt Kay, who is one of my mom's dearest friends has been battling Parkinsons for a very long time. I knew that the medication wasn't working anymore and she was going to be having brain surgery. This morning when I woke up there was a voicemail from her. She had broken her hip and was at a rehab center. Her message was kind of confusing, but I knew instantly that I needed to see her. I was able to spend some wonderful time with her today talking and catching up. It was really like talking to my mom because they were so likeminded. I was so humbled by this woman who was in extreme pain while dealing with such a horrible disease and quoting Scripture to me in the midst of it. It was a beautiful thing.

There were just so many simliarities to her condition now and how my mom was. I couldn't help but think about it all over again. It broke my heart seeing her like she was, but I know God is using her in the lives of so many people.

I love getting to talk to my moms friends about her. It's so fun to get to talk to people who knew her just as well as I did. And I still love that so many people loved her. And that so many people still miss her so much.

Ups and Downs from the Book of Job

I couldn’t sleep tonight so I figured it would be a good time to catch up on some of my Bible Reading Plan. “Just so happens” I’m starting Job. :) As I was reading, certain verses began to jump out at me. I have so many friends suffering or going through trials right now so I figured I should start jotting it down. It turned into this. I apologize for the length.

Most of us know Job’s reputation, but in his honesty before God there were still questions and I hope this can be an encouragement to so many of you right now. This book has been such a source of comfort to me in the last year.

Just in case you don’t know how the story starts – basically, Job loses everything except his life and he immediately says these beautiful words in Job 1:21, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” (we know that verse and we love it right?!)

However, in Job 3:24-26 he says, “For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” (I’d say those are pretty normal thoughts for someone facing a tough situation. I know I’ve been there in the last year. But somehow, knowing that someone like Job had those thoughts makes it easier to handle.)

Now Job’s “friends” enter the picture…their motives are right, but the way they go about it just isn’t exactly beneficial. However, one of his friends does give Job some encouragement:

In Job 8:21-22 Bildad says, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips will shout with joy.” (in the deepest part of our hearts I think we KNOW that this will happen again, there are just times that it seems like we will never get there. And I’m just praying that we will all take some comfort in the fact that we are fallible humans and we aren’t going to have the perfect thoughts and attitudes all of the time – that’s what grace is all about!)

Job then responds to Bildad and IF I’m looking at this in the right context it was a new way for me to look at it. In Job 9:32-33 he says, “He (God) is not a man like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court. If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both.” (PRAISE JESUS, those of us believers who live this side of Calvary DO have that person…we have Christ’s own Sprit inside of us!!! We no longer have any block between us and the Creator Himself.)

We don’t often quote verses like Job 10:1 that says, “I loathe my very life, therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.” (not very encouraging on the surface, but if you think about it – it is so encouraging!!! We have a Father who WANTS to hear our complaints. He wants us to be completely and totally honest with Him. We can say things to Him that we would never dream of telling another human being about the situation we have found ourselves. I know I’ve done it! So go to Him! Tell Him! Cry to Him! Complain to Him! He knows your heart anyway….He just wants you to trust Him enough to be open at His throne of grace. On the flip side, I do want to caution you against cursing God – that is never appropriate)

After quite a bit of accusations from his friends that sin had caused this suffering and quite a bit of Job asking his friends why they keep being so cruel, we get to these beautiful words in Job 19:25-27, “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes – I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! (What a great time to look forward to right??? So when “friends” or the “enemy”  - sometimes one in the same unfortunately – try to make you feel that you did something to cause this trial you can take heart in the words of Job 12:13, “To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his”. Or in Job 28:20-21,23-24 where he says, “Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell? It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air…God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens.”

Such beautiful words above to something as heartbreaking as this from Job 30:20, “I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer, I stand up, but you merely look at me.”  (sound familiar to anyone else??)

After some much more pointed questioning by his friends, God steps in and asks Job some of His own questions. Questions like “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations? Tell me if you understand.” (Job 38:4) The point of all these questions was to prove to Job that He was in fact in control. Yes, Job did a lot of questioning. Yes, we do a lot of questioning. There will be times for that. God knows that. Yes, He wants us to trust Him at all times, but He does also understand our humanness!! There will be times we just don’t understand. Heck, we “can’t” understand. We weren’t there when the earth’s foundation was laid so of course we can’t!! But in one breath we tell God we don’t understand, in the next breath ask Him to help our unbelief and He will!

When Job responds to the LORD in Job 42:2, he says, “I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Sometimes, unfortunately it takes tragedy for us to truly see God for who He is. I pray that we will all continue to see that as we face the path He has set for us. I’m not trying to preach at anyone because God know I am still dealing with these issues myself.

And just because I spent this time in Job, I want to share one of my favorite passages from this book JJ

After all, he’s famous for great and unexpected acts; there’s no end to his surprises...True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wound; the same hand that hurts you, heals you. From one disaster after another he delivers you; no matter what the calamity, the evil can’t touch you.

Job 5:9, 18-19 (The Message)

"Lighter"

"God is soooo good. He's so good." - Those are the words I will always think of when I think of my mom's last few days. She didn't say many coherent things and sometimes even these sentences weren't very coherent, but this was her lasting message...to me at least.

And He is good. Sooooo good.

His timing is perfect and for about 6 months now I've been trying to hurry up this grieving thing. It just hasn't gone how I thought it would or in the timeframe I had in mind. I've been asking for the ability to really cry and release all those feelings inside. This is one of those times I've had to really wait for a "yes" answer. But thankfully, He has finally given me that answer I so desperately wanted.

I've done a lot of crying in the past couple of weeks. A lot of genuine, loud and overdue crying. I've even done it in front of Danny!! It took every ounce of strength I had not to run from the room as the tears started, but God held me down on that couch so that I could be vulnerable and real in front of my husband. And I am so glad I was. He needs to know what is going on inside me and thankfully now I can at least release it in tears. I was able to do some talking too though :)

At GriefShare on Sunday night someone shared a little quote they had heard, which led to someone talking about a song that went along with the quote, which led to the song being played. I was out of there as fast as I could possibly get because I knew that the emotion was on it's way to the surface. Thankfully I got home to an empty house which gave me some time to spend talking and crying out to my Father. The quote and the song that had been talked about mentioned hearing the persons voice for the last time. I got to thinking that it had been a while since I'd heard her voice so I came to the computer and began to listen to some of her recordings. As I listened I began to sob. And then that block that had been in my spirit was simply gone and I could finally literally cry out to God. I told Him everything that was feeling and I actually asked Him "why". I didn't think that I was feeling that, but apparently I was because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying to Him...I was just talking. At one point I asked Him to tell her that I loved her. Instantly I felt this calm around me as if He was saying, "you go ahead and tell her, she can hear you." So I did. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I've been encouraged to talk to her in the past but it just felt too weird to do. But again, I wasn't "thinking" this time, I was just doing and it just felt like the right thing to do. Whether she did actually hear me or not, I have no idea, but it was nice to just say it. (however, sitting here typing I have no desire to start talking to her - I guess it's about listening to the Spirit as He guides)

I'm just lighter. So much of that pressure that has been building for the past 6 months is gone. I'm sure there is more to come and I really am so glad that He is allowing me to experience what I've been longing to experience. I'm sure it sounds weird to think that someone is longing to cry and bawl like a baby, but it's what I've been longing for.

"God is soooo good. He's so good."

Being thankful

Last night in GriefShare the session was about "Why?". Honestly, that's not a question I've asked a whole lot in regards to myself. I've wondered why He would take her away from Ansley and Zach, but I can see reasons why He would have taken her from me. It's comforting to kind of have some answers to the "why's".  Not all of them of course, but at least in regards to me. Maybe God will be gracious and let me get to see the answers to some of the the "why's" about Ansley and Zach too.

But then we got to talking about being thankful and how it's hard to be sad when you are concentrating on being grateful, honestly I didn't think much about it last night. Just now though as I was doing my Bible Study and reading some Grief Share emails the Holy Spirit put a thought into my head. I AM thankful that it happened when it did. Yes, I would have preferred it be when I'm 60 something years old like it "normally" does, but I am very glad it didn't happen 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or when I was a young girl. I won't pressume to know how I would have reacted, but I have a pretty good feeling that I would not have reacted the way I have at this point in my walk with God. I think it probably would have driven me farther from God than I was at those times. 5 years ago God had gotten ahold of me and I had turned back to Him. I was still in such a fragil state and not getting a lot of encouragement from anyone around me. That would have been such a bad time to lose her because God used her so much in these last 5 years to encourage, lead and help me. I'm really glad it didn't happen 10 years ago because I was so far away from God at that point that I may have never turned back to Him. I'm also glad it didn't happen 5 years from now (or more), when Ansley and Zach would have been more severely affected by her loss. I don't think it's going to affect Zach at all, but I do think it's already affecting Ansley. She is asking questions and making comments that just throw me for a loop at how she is thinking about these kinds of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if she had to die, He picked the perfect time. I know, big shock right? :) I have to say, thinking that way makes me feel just a little bit lighter.

This weekend was my first scrapping trip without her and thankfully it went just about how I wanted. As I was packing up the car by myself and riding down on Thursday I was feeling extremely lonely and sad. And just out of sorts. When I got there and started setting my stuff up it just felt weird. When Diana came and hugged me so tight I started to cry just a little bit and then that was it. I had a fantastic weekend and accomplished something (The Ropes Course) that I really didn't think I was going to be able to do from down on the ground. It sounds kinda silly, but I kept thinking about my mom and how much she would like to have seen me do this and I just set my mind on finishing it...and I did, and it was a blast :):)!! Oh and I kicked butt at it too if I do say so myself ;)

I worked on a small album of the family pictures we took in August. That did put me in a bit of a mood. I just turned my music up and didn't talk to anyone while I worked on it. I finished it about 3am on Sunday morning :) All in all, it was a good first trip without her. I wanted to miss her and I did, but I wasn't miserable and I had a lot of fun!

When I got home yesterday I showed Ansley the album of those pictures. I'm not sure if it confused her or what because a few minutes later she asked if Mimi was at home with Poppy and her hair was growing again. It kinda shocked me and it took me a few seconds to remind her that Mimi was in Heaven at home with Jesus. Then she said the most heartbreaking thing. She said, "but Poppy wants her to be home with him". Once again, I just didnt' know what to say. So I told her that I wanted her here too, but that God knows what is best and He decided it was time for her to be with Him in Heaven. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, but she is definitely starting to be more curious.

One thing that was said last night is that maybe sometimes God allows the suffering of our loved ones to help us let go. I think that is so true. You are so much more ready to see them leave because you know it means no more suffering for them. As hard as it is to watch, maybe it does make the letting go easier.

There were so many things from last nights session that were just fantastic. I am so glad to be a part of this group!

I'm also thankful for all the new lessons I'm learning through this. These to me are some of the "why" answers. I'm just learning and experiencing things I never would have gotten to experience without going through this trial. Like I was reading tonight for BSF: "...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthins 4:17)

Thank you God for never wasting anything about our life experiences!