So fitting...:)

So now I'm here at my parents house for the duration. A special friend came and spent a few hours with her this morning which gave me some time to go through a closet looking for pictures (which I found!) However, what I also found was "started, but never finished projects" of my moms. It's doubly fitting because she was always thinking of me and always wanting to do things for me. But the fact that she never finished them brings a smile to my face because that was just her :) She had so many grand ideas, but was always a procrastinator. I don't say that to be ugly. If you knew her you knew she said it about herself and it was just one of her things :) Who knows...maybe I'll learn to sew and finish them myself. (yeah right!)

There is a strange paradox at the house. There is sadness, but yet a calmness and peace at the same time. At least for me there is, I can't speak for anyone else. More tears today as people come to say goodbye, but I just love knowing how loved she was. I've always felt so fortunate to have her as MY mom and I feel it so much more now.

My friend Mandy has been telling me about this song for a while now and I finally heard it the other night. Heard it again on my way here today. Can't help but be excited that she will really be running into the arms of her Jesus soon.

"Forever Reign" by: One Sonic Society

You are good, You are good
And there's nothing good in me

You are love, You are love
On display for all to see

You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope
You've covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling

You are truth, You are truth
Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing

You are life, you are life
In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'll run into Your arms
I'll run into Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough

And nothing compares
To Your embrace
Light of the world
Forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here
In Your presence I'm made whole

You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

My heart will sing
No other name
Jesus, Jesus

"Say what you need to say..."

Rose had bought some gifts for my mom to give to Cindy and I from my mom (did that make sense? :) ) This is a picture of her giving them to us and telling us that she loved us. Many tears in the room at this point

Today, Diana had to leave after Margaret got there. Her sisters have been so kind and so unselfish to take such good care of her. I pray this isn't the last time the 3 of them are together.

A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity... Proverbs 17:17

My mom had some sweet visits today. My mom, Rose and Cindy are the "Three Amigos". They  have been friends for 20 years and it is such a sweet relationship they share. They were able to visit today and I was able to capture some of their moments. When Rose leaned down to say goodbye my mom said, "I'll see you in Heaven". We were a little taken aback. I think she is beginning to detach. We read about this kind of thing in the Hospice book. Well then they started saying they loved each other and kept saying it. I was crying, Cindy was crying, Diana was crying and Rose was crying. It was kind of a sign of things to come :(

I am so grateful that God has given my mom such amazing friends in her life. I love these women so much. I've learned so much from them and I've seen what that godly friendship can be. I'm so blessed now to have my own "Cindy and Rose" :)

Her friend Deana came over tonight also with her husband. Deana compares their relationship to "Lucy and Ethel". She was telling some stories that had me crying with laughter. We had a great visit. She's a special woman. While the girls were chatting, my dad took Steve down to his war room and they were just like little boys playing with toys. It was so cute.

 I witnessed a sweet moment between my mom and dad last night. As my dad was helping her to the potty seat he asked her if she wanted to dance. She said she'd like to dance with him all night long. He then started to cry. It was just precious.

Standing on the Promises

I has been such a great privilege to read God's Word to my mom these last couple of days. She has always emphasized to me the importants of reading, memorizing and meditating on it and now I am so blessed to get the opportunity to help her continue to do those things.

Yesterday I went through and read as many descriptions of Heaven as I could remember. I could barely get through most of the passages because I am really just so excited that she is going to soon experience this firsthand.

We will continue today :)

This song has been ministering to her for quite a while now. The enemy has been attacking and God has used this song, as well as the whole album to remind her who He is. She plays the album 24 hours a day basically. 

"Every Promise of Your Word"

From the breaking of the dawn to the setting of the sun,
I will stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
Words of power, strong to save, that will never pass away,
I will stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
For Your covenant is sure,
And on this I am secure—
I can stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.

When I stumble and I sin, condemnation pressing in,
I will stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
You are faithful to forgive that in freedom I might live,
So I stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
Guilt to innocence restored,
You remember sins no more—
So I'll stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.

When I'm faced with anguished choice, I will listen for Your voice,
And I'll stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
Through this dark and troubled land
You will guide me with Your hand
As I stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
And You've promised to complete
Ev'ry work begun in me—
So I'll stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.

Hope that lifts me from despair, love that casts out ev'ry fear,
As I stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
Not forsaken, not alone, for the Comforter has come,
And I stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
Grace sufficient, grace for me,
Grace for all who will believe—
We will stand on ev'ry promise of Your Word.
Words and Music by Keith Getty & Stuart Townend

As I'm sitting here in my dad's office I can here the oxygen machine going. It's a distinctive sound that I doubt I'll ever forget. Thankfully my mom is asleep...which means she's at peace.

The inevitable is quickly approaching. Her organs have begun failing and we can see her declining each day. I hope it continues to happen quickly. I'm not ready to lose her, but I am very ready for her to not be suffering any longer. More than the physical suffering (which there isn't much of thanks to good drugs), it's the mental suffering she's beginning to experience. She is starting to have some paranoia and that troubles me greatly. Satan has been attacking and it seems he is continuing to do it from time to time. Which I have to say just ticks me off!! I think she is starting to detach herself. I was trying to have a conversation with her earlier and there was little response. I was trying to tell her about what God has been teaching me and how He has been growing me. Normally there would be such an enthusiastic reply, but today there was next to nothing...just a small smile. I told her this was going to be the hardest part for me. She is the person I talk to first when I learn something new or God shows Himself to me. She is the person who gets the most excited about it. Not sure how I'll deal with knowing I can't share it with her. She teared up a bit, but still didn't say anything.

As I was talking with my new friend Cami the other night I was able to put some things together in my head. While I don't like that this is happening, I can't help but feel special somehow that God would choose this for me. It makes me feel like He sure loves me a lot to trust this kind of hardship to me. He is doing it to bring glory to Himself and I feel honored that He would choose me. WE are studying Acts in BSF right now and during yesterday's reading I read Acts 5:41: "The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name." Well it just lept off the page because that's how I felt! I'm not comparing my suffering to theirs and I'm not comparing myself to the apostles, but the sentiment is the same. I believe that God was confirming that what I was feeling was legitimate. I'm learning how the "count it all joy" works...I am joyful. I know in my own flesh I couldn't be, but the Holy Spirit has put that joy in me...I'm so excited to think about the good that is already coming from this valley and the good that will continue to come from it.

So many people have been so wonderful to pray...if you want to pray for my family these are specific requests I have:

* that this process would go quickly
* that God would protect her mind from the enemy's attacks
*that we will continue to give all the glory to God
*that I will be there at the end (that's my biggest fear...that I won't be here)

"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saints."

Psalm 116:17

God is just plain cool!

Ok...so once again I'm up and can't sleep. Last night it was because of sadness and pressure to get some things done. Tonight it's because I'm just so full of joy! Yes, it is absolutely possible to have joy while walking through the valley :):)

A couple of weeks ago at BSF my "ASK" (prayer request) was for wisdom in making decisions regarding my mom's hospice care. It was at the time when we were trying to decide if she needed to go to a facility or not. I didn't think anything of it...just hoped that people would actually pray for me. Well, once again God went way above my expectations :) After lecture a girl approached me. I could see she seemed a little out of her element and she said something about my ASK and asked me about what was going on with my mom. I thought that was so kind of her to be concerned. We probably didn't talk more than 5 minutes, but within those minutes I kind of realized God had given me an earthly source of wisdom and advice for the road I was on, but I didn't totally feel it yet. She had lost her mom when she was 32, she had a 3 year old child, she was the caretaker...the list goes on and on. I'm not sure that I thought about really taking her up on her offer to talk. I'm sure I reasoned in my head, "she's just saying that because that's what people say". Maybe I just thought I'd talk to her about it at BSF. However, I did make an effort to keep her contact information in a safe place just in case.

Last week when I walked into discussion group I was so frazzled I didn't even realize I had sat down next to her!! I felt like a total idiot for not remembering exactly where I had met her before. I apologized and we chatted again for a few minutes. Gave her the update and then started to think more and more about taking her up on her offer to get together. After the news of my mom's decline and finding out that her organs had begun failing Danny encouraged me to call this girl. Thinking back, if I had mentioned her to Danny it must have made some kind of impact :)

Well tonight we spent 3.5 hours together talking and laughing. It was fantastic. I didn't leave with any magical answers, but I was able to talk through some things and come to a decision on certain issues. We talked about lots more than just our mothers (who by the way I think would get along just as much as Cami and I do) We seem to like all of the same stuff and it really seems as if these situations we've been through have been so much the same. Her mom didn't die of cancer-she died of ALS but all the other details seemed to just be identical. She encouraged me so much and I was really able to share some things with her about how I'm feeling that I just don't think any of my other friends could really understand. I am so unbelievably grateful for the wonderful sisters God has placed in my life and the wisdom they impart on me, but sometimes you just gotta talk to someone who really truly knows what you are going through. I was able to say things I've been feeling that would have sounded just ridiculous to anyone else. It was freeing in a way I guess.

In other areas of my life I've been able to see how God has used the bad for good and Cami is an example of how I know He will do that for me again with this situation...if I'm obedient like she was. Losing your mother just plain sucks (for lack of a better term), but God is already doing something so big with it and I'm excited to find out what the rest is going to be :)

We talked a lot tonight about God's love and mercy. We talked about how He has emotions too and that he spoke to me Saturday and told me that He is sad right along with me. The Bible tells us that he collects our tears in a bottle. That right there tells you that He cares deeply about our sorrows. I love getting to give my tesitmony (or at least part of it) to someone new and tell them all of the amazing things God has done in my life. We both seem to have very energetic personalities so there was a lot of excitement at this table in Wendy's :)

I'm just so thankful and overwhelmed by a Father who loves us so much that He so meticulously arranges events in our lives so they refine us, but they can also impact and encourage others. He really is just the coolest!

Things are definitely getting worse.

It's to the point where you can't even have a conversation with her. She is so out in left field. I just let her talk and ramble and if she asks a question I try to pretend I know what she is talking about, but I find myself saying, "I don't know what you are talking about" a lot of times. Right now she is laying there and every once in a while she says something that is so completely off the wall.

She's on oxygen now and she says that it makes her feel better, but based on how she has been acting...I can't see how that is true.

She's not eating or drinking as much either, which I know is kind of the progression of things also.

It's just so strange. I find myself being confused a lot of times too because I don't know what to say or do in response to her. We've had some funny typical "Topham" moments though...my dad and I have laughed a lot which is nice. And my mom and dad are sooooo much more affectionate with each other than they have ever been. It's a little odd, but nice to see.

Not sure how much time is going to be left. Obviously I don't want her to go, but I don't want her just lingering like this either.

This song is special to me for a lot of reasons...it came on tonight and I realized that this music somehow communicates what I feel better than any words at the moment:

I really need to get some stuff done: creamation, memorial service details, etc...hoping for a productive day tomorrow.