I want to be free with my emotions when I'm with her. I don't understand why I'm not. I try to be, it just isn't happening. I always feel so "tight". I never know exactly what to say. She told me I've said everything I could possibly say to make her feel loved. I guess I'm trying to hard...but I don't want her thinking that I don't feel anything, because I do....I just don't know how to express it.

She had chemo yesterday. I got to take her and talk with the doctor. Our plan right now is to do another treamtment next week (assuming her levels are ok) and then the following week she will have a PET scan to see if the chemo is doing anything. We are finally getting to that point where you have to decide if trying to fight is worth what you are dealing with. She keeps saying she is praying that she will die fast. I understand and appreciate that, but oh my goodness how that hurts to think about.

"Spoken For"
by: Mercy Me

Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Take this world from me
Don't need it anymore...

"Mom"

For a long time my mom has written beautiful poetry...to me, to me and Danny, to the kids. For her birthday this year I wanted to write her one. It's nowhere near the quality of hers, but it was heartfelt:

In life sometimes we can’t see how
why certain things He does allow:

Is the reason complex, or,
just to trust the Father more?

Right now it’s hard, I must admit
to rest on Him, to Him submit

It’s a struggle to know the reason why
God would take away my “Eli”

I can hear him calling, “Come daughter rest
on my strong, yet loving chest”.

So I’ll surrender to His call
and at His holy feet I’ll fall

Though I may be entering the darkest of days
I know His ways are not my ways

I’ll thank Him for each day we’ve shared
and rejoice over the pain you’re spared

Because I know within my soul
one day your faith will make you whole.

Reality...

As my parents were leaving tonight my mom lost it. She started crying and telling me how hard it is to be around the kids now. How sad she is that she can't even hold them. How much it hurts that she isn't going to be able to see them grow up. Naturally, I didn't cry until she left...then I lost it.

Tonight I'm feeling angry. I don't want to be, but I am.

Overwhelmed...

Because I've been so unemotional the enemy has been throwing jabs such as, "you must not love her as much as you think you do, etc". Well tonight the Spirit calmly told me, "No - I just love you that much more." I have never felt God's presence more than I have the past 8 months. He has truly carried me. It's just amazing.

"Held"
Natalie Grant

Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our Savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

A bright spot...

When I left Palm Coast I immediately wanted to call my mom. And then immediately thought, "is there any point, will she even be able to talk?" I tried anyway and thankfully she was doing really well at the time. We talked for probably an hour. It was so wonderful! Just like old times. Now what we talked about wasn't necessarily the most positive, but at least we were able to have a real conversation. It's put me in a great mood for the evening :)

Heard this song on the way home and it just REALLY fit right now:

Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know you when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give you praise
Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
They've got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to you
And it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when I fall apart

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing that has ever happened to me
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel you now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
But somehow still have all I need?
God I want to know you more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find you when--
You will find me when--
I fall apart

Josh Wilson - "Fall Apart"

Bad Day

Today has been a bad day. I've just felt very sad and defeated all day. I guess I have to expect that there will be days like this. I've done a lot of crying today which isn't normal either.

Talked to my mom for a few minutes this afternoon. Once again she was just totally out of it. There was almost no point in talking to her. She did tell me though that she wasn't able to have her chemo today because her white count and platelets were too low :( That put me in an even worse mood. Hopefully next week she will be able to get a treatment.

I've really let the enemy win today.

Already Gone...

In so many ways it's like she's already gone...

Pretty much all she does is sleep anymore so I don't want to call and wake her up. That's a big change from being to call her basically whenever I need her.

When we do get a chance to talk she is so "out of it" that we can't really "talk". It's all very short and sweet and I can't really tell her what's going on in my life or ask her advice, or talk however it is we talk.

I don't get to see her as much anymore because all she does is sleep and 2 little kids running around don't exactly make that any easier.

It kinda hit me this morning that I'm getting a taste of what life is going to be like...and it makes me very sad. Although I guess in some way it's good that it's not going to be sudden. I'm just going to start getting used to not talking to her about everything. I dunno. I don't know anything right now.

...

No, that's not true. I do "know" that God is in control and He is going to work it out for my good. But in all honesty...right now I don't care that much about that part of it.