He really is a, "Good, Good Father".

Making this post has been on my mind for a while, but I never seemed to have the time to sit down and type it. Tonight seems to be the appropriate time. It's also kinda cool that when I sat down to type I noticed that it's been exactly 2 years since my last post. And that I closed out that post with the phrase I'm about to talk about. 👍

First of all, October is my most hated month. All of the really crappy things that have happened in my life have happened in October. I normally start to get sad and quiet as the month approaches. Losing Remedy last week didn't help, but I think that might be why tonight is the night I have the time to put these thoughts into words. I need to be reminded of this truth right now before I let the whole month be ruined. 

 If you read my blog all of those years ago you might remember that the last week of my mom's life she didn't say much. The only thing she repeated many times was, "God is good Brittany. He is soooo good." I'll never not hear that phrase in her voice. That phrase pretty much summed up her entire testimony and she wanted everyone to know it. He truly was so good to us all through that time. That was 2011. 

 In October 2012 I thought my life was going to fall apart again. But instead, God turned a potential tragedy into something more beautiful than it probably ever would have been. Again, God showed me how good He truly is. 💗

 In 2016 Chris Tomlin released, "Good Good Father". Pretty quickly it became very popular to make fun of the song. I think the reasoning was because of the simplicity of the lyrics. And that that, "simplicity" translated to "shallowness". Perhaps I'm wrong and there were other reasons for the teasing. The teasing annoyed me from the beginning only because hearing God described as, "good" was so special to me. 

 ***Let me say right now that up to that point I had made fun of plenty of Christian music. I had laughed at how dumb and shallow they sounded. I still fight my own judgemental attitude about a lot of Christian music.*** 

Ok, back to the topic at hand. 

God is good. You can't deny it. He is a good Father. It's who He is. (see what I did there? 😉)

Just because a word is simple doesn't mean it can't have eternal depth. ( I still have to remind myself of this when I find myself rolling my eyes because of lyrics I've just heard) 

I'm asking one thing of anyone who reads this post. The next time you hear the song, don't turn it off. Listen to it and think about a woman who couldn't say anything other than, "God is good. He is soooo good" as she was dying. I promise the lyrics won't seem as shallow. 💗

I’m no grief expert. Well, let’s be honest – I’m no expert at all, but I have experienced some grief in my life. As a child I lost grandparents, as a teenager I lost a good friend, and as a relatively new mother I lost my own mom. I’m thankful that that is the extent of my losses. I can’t comprehend losing a spouse or a child and I pray often that that never happens.

It’s been 7 years since that amazing October morning when my mom left us for her true home.  We watched God answer her last prayer (at least that we know of) - that she would not die at night in the dark. She died at the official sunrise time for October 13^th. Of course there were many tears, but there was also so much joy in that same moment. I don’t believe that anyone except believers in Jesus can experience those two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time.  

In my quiet time this morning I was reading in Psalm 66. Verse 10 says:

 “For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.”

As you can see by my blog title that “the furnace” was the theme for that season of my life. It was a perfect description of what I was living through because even though it was painful I also knew that it was going to produce something wonderful. I just didn’t know how long that would take.

Psalm 66 goes on to say at the end of verse 12:

“We went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance.”

I have these verses marked in my Bible. I even have arrows that show the progression from verse 10 to verse 12, but somehow (because I’m blind so often) I never applied that to myself and my journey. So this morning it was kind of like a smack in the face. All of a sudden I thought, “well duh Brittany!!”

This grief process is so strange and so ridiculously slow. So slow in fact that you tend to not even realize you are on the other side of it. Now I’m not saying that you are never sad anymore. Or that you don’t miss that person immensely. Or that there aren’t going to be moments of acute grief. In fact, anyone who has lost someone knows that the simplest of things can trigger overwhelming sadness. But what I am saying is that there WILL come a time when you realize that God has led you from that place of chronic despair to a place of true abundance. Abundance that we know can only be found in Him. How long that takes will be different for each person so don’t let anyone dictate how long this process will take for you. This is a journey that the Lord has YOU on. Let Him guide you and I promise that there will eventually come a day where you will get a smack in the face like I did this morning. ;)

I don’t write about this much anymore and even when I was writing all the time it was because the Lord was obviously giving me thoughts that I just had to get out. That happened this morning. I hope and pray that this can give someone the energy to try to get through one more day in their grief journey.

As my mom kept saying that last week of her life, “He’s so good Brittany. He’s just so good.”

"Perhaps"...there is more??

Can't sleep.

Shocking, I know.

 Decided it's been a few years since I've read through my blog so why not?

I made it to this one and if you want to really understand what I say next you will have to read this entry. And pay close attention to the reference to the word "perhaps".

The Furnace of Affliction: "Yet for love's sake" Part 2:

Ok, if you've ever had a conversation with me since this weekend in 2011 the possibility of hearing me talk about how the word "perhaps" has kinda changed my life is pretty high. (in fact, it may need to be my next tattoo ;))

So as I'm rereading this blog entry I see something that God had apparently blinded my eyes to until this very moment.

This verse: Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,”

For the past 6 years I've thought only about the word "perhaps" and how it has changed my attitide towards life in general because that was Beth emphasised also at the time, I wasn't really even noticing the rest of the words.

There are so many "perhaps [fill in the rest of the statement]" as to why mom was taken when she was. I've tried to come up with some reasons of my own and I think some of them line up spiritually and so I think they could be legitimate, but there could ("perhaps") be so many more. I know we won't really know until we get to heaven, but it kinda excites me to discover what those reasons could be. I think it also gives me some more freedom to not have to nail down reasons for myself. I know we as humans always want to know all the details of why something happened so it can be hard not to have those definites. That's why the "perhaps" word stood out to me so much when it did and still does. But in another freeing way it means that there can be all kinds of other reasons that we may actually get to see some evidence of while here on earth. I dunno, that's just cool to me.

And I'll be honest for all of you who think I'm crazy. I know there is a possibility that none of this means anything and I'm just grasping for straws, but thankfully my Father can use anything-even straw grasping.


But "perhaps" I'm not straw grasping.... :)

Out of the "Furnace"

I've just spent the last hour or so rereading this entire blog. Honestly I can't remember feeling or thinking half of what I wrote. It's amazing how that happens. It's been fun to look back and see all the little gifts that God gave me through the process. It's encouraging to see where I am compared to where I used to be.

I've been out of this particular "furnace" for a while now. Of course there are times I'm sad and of course I still miss her, but overall, I'm doing well. God, as always, "is so good". I'm thankful that at the moment I don't have a furnace to go through.

...

Instead I have watched friends that I love walk through their own furncaces. The kind that I pray I never have to walk through.

I've witnessed the epitome of fear and faith in the same instant.

I've begged God to take these people out of their furnace. I'm still begging actually.

I've sobbed, screamed and prayed like I've never done before.

I've thanked God for the healing that has already taken place.

I've asked God to heal broken hearts.

I've longed to take away their pain.

I've praised Him for the wonderous works He has performed through these furnaces, and the works I know are still to come.


These "furnaces" change people. That's the point right? Tonight I thank God for how He has changed me and how He is changing the people in my life.

And I want to encourage everyone else...

If you feel like you are in a "furnace" right now, please know that there is a purpose for it. I know it sucks. I know you don't want to be in it. But if you let Him, God will grow you into something you could never have imagined.

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness you

have done marvelous things.

Things planned long ago. 

Isaiah 25:1

"I can hear..."

At this time 3 years ago my "hero husband" was standing (or sitting) guard over my mom during her last night here on earth. It's something I will never forget and it's probably something he will never fully understand my gratitude for.

I can remember that my dad, Margaret and I were so overcome with exhaustion but didn't want to go to bed. I can remember being curled up on the couch and my whole body crawling with that feeling of I NEED SLEEP!! Danny volunteered to sit with her while we got a few hours of sleep. Cindy had told him everything he needed to look for and that he was to text her the second things started to change.

I remember being woken up, seeing his face and knowing what it meant. I immediately went out to the living room to crawl into bed with her for the final time.

We woke up my dad and Margaret, and Cindy was there by that time.

...

I can't get these memories out of my head tonight (well, this morning) no matter how hard I try. On one hand I want to so that I can sleep. But on the other hand I don't want to because it takes me back to a time when she was still here with us, even if it was just barely.

I can hear all the music:

The Getty's (which is the soundtrack of those 5 Hospice weeks as a whole)
Elvis Presley
Leslie Gore's "It's My Party" (her favorite song)
Countless hymns
"O Crimson Flow" (which I still can hardly listen to)
And of course the video for "Dance Your Shoes Off"

I can hear the oxygen machine.

I can hear the altered breathing.

I can hear the laughter.

I can hear the saddness.

I can hear the fear.

I can hear the tears coming to the surface in my own body, but not being able to release them.

I can hear her breath slowing.

I can hear God whispering to my heart, "she's with me now."

I can hear her breath stopping.

I can hear the cries of the people who loved her the most in this world.

I can hear the news that her prayers were answered: she didn't die in the dark. The sun had officially risen.

I can hear the birds singing, which was one of her favorite sounds.

I can hear my heart breaking and the tears finally flowing because I had just lost my very best friend.


...


Even though I can still hear those things (especially on nights like this), I can also imagine her with the One she loved more than anything and the One she lived her life for. And truthfully, although it's hard at times, that fact makes up for all those other things I can still hear.

I can also hear that same One urging me into His word this morning to find comfort.

"...weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." 

Psalm 30:5b

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, 

because of your love and faithfulness."

Psalm 115:1

"They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

Isaiah 35:10

A Mother's Fingerprints

While it’s pointless to say that a mother leaves her fingerprints on your life (whether for the good or for the bad), it is still true.

The last few days I have spent either sick myself or taking care of my sick daughter. In the moments of my sickness and pain all I wanted was to have my mama here to take care of me. I’m discovering that desire is never going to go away. But in those moments where I was taking care of Ansley all I could think was, “I hope I am caring for her the same way my mom cared for me.” She loved and cared for me in a way that showed me she loved me with her whole being, while still never crossing over that line to “child-worship”. We all knew who owned the biggest piece of her heart…and it wasn’t me, or my dad. It was Jesus. That may seem strange to some people, but it’s the way it should be and I never felt slighted for it. (although the fact that I never had to share her with siblings probably helped ;) ) That is how I want to love my kids. I want them to know how unbelievably grateful I am to God for giving them to me, but I want them to grow up loving God more than anything and that won’t happen if they don’t see that from me.

We’ve done a lot of hanging around the house because of this bug and it’s given me an overabundance of time to think as Mother’s Day approached. I’ll be honest: if it wasn’t for Ansley and Zach I would just skip this day altogether. I know this day is hard for many different people for many different reasons. This is my 3^rd Mother’s Day without her, but it feels just as painful as the first. There is just a gaping hole that no one can fill. I’m not asking for pity, believe me. I sometimes feel guilty for how upset I still can get. It’s just that in some ways this day really sucks.

Ok, here’s the backstory on the whole point of this post:

A cupole or so before my mom died I was working on a house project. I was converting our office to a playroom. Normally my mom and I did these projects together, but she was just too sick by this point to help. So my dad and I did this one together while my mom slept in my bed. (that is still a picture that is seared into my brain) At one point she got out of bed, came in to check on us and for whatever reason just touched the paint to see if it was dry. I don’t think I can explain why, but her doing that was just so “her”.

Well those fingerprints on my wall became very special to me. I never had any desire to cover them up. It was her addition to our project and it was just perfect.

A couple months ago Danny started a new job where he was going to work from home. That meant the playroom needed to be converted back into an office. I’m not exaggerating when I say I sobbed when thinking about covering up my stripes and especially her fingerprints. (The whole project itself had special Spiritual significance to me - if you want to read about it you can here: http://furnaceofaffliction.blogspot.com/2011/08/parable-of-playroom.html )

Danny told me he had a plan though…and today he gave me the perfect Mother’s Day gift. (It's kinda hard to see them, but I think you'll get the idea) Danny also has a way with words, just like my mom did. 

While I am so glad that I have these fingerprints, I am even more glad to see how her fingerprints on my life have helped shape the person I am becoming. Thank you God for that woman. I can't wait to see you both. 

"I love love love you"

This is a phrase I have heard and read countless times in my life. It was how my mother usually signed any letters/cards/notes that she would write to me. I eventually began to reciprocate and it was a special saying between us. In fact it's something I've begun to do whenever I write in the kids blog.

Ok, now to the other side of the story: I've always thought tattoo's were cool, just because of the detail and how beautiful they can be and I'd thought briefly about different ones I would want, but there was never anything I thought was important enough to me to have it put on my body for the rest of my life. In the last few years of my mom's life we joked about getting pink ribbons, but that was when we thought it would be a symbol of the battle she had won.

Fast forward to the end of last year/beginning of this year - I can't remember exactly when it was. One of my closest friends, Mandy had a dream. One thing I love about Mandy is that she always shares with me any thoughts she has about my mom. I can't explain why it means so much to me, but it does. There we were, late at night, sitting in Starbucks, crying together because she had described her dream to me. The part of the dream that sparked this idea was that in the dream we were walking and my mom came to me and told me how much she missed me and how much she loved me. I'm not sure if it was an instant idea or if it came later to have this phrase tattoo'd on my wrist. Somewhere I could look down and see it at any time. I began doing some research on different artists, but more than that I began praying about it. I knew that this would a bit of a divisive subject so I only talked to a few people. I didn't need others opinions getting in my way. I try to live my life being led by the Spirit and most of the time I can hear and understand Him pretty clearly. Well, let me rephrase - I have learned very well when He says no. It's very clear and almost audible to me. I did talk to my dad about it and he thought it was a wonderful idea. I prayed and thought about it for a few months and then made the call to the artist I wanted a few months ago. In 3 different ways it put me at ease that he was who I was going with. 1. He was booked til July. That was still a couple months out. I figured he must be pretty good if that was the case. 2. I liked that it could be done right at our birthdays since that is obviously a special day for us. 3. It gave me even more time to pray about it.

So last Friday, my husband and my 2 best friends came with me as I "got my ink" :) It didn't hurt as bad as I was expecting, although it didn't exactly feel good. It took way longer to find the perfect placement than it did to do the actual tattoo. It took 6-7 minutes top. Graham (at 8th Day Tattoo) was great. So helpful and patient as we made the decision on where to put it. W. e had sent him a copy of a letter from her so that he could transfer her exact handwriting on to my arm. The fact that it is her words and her handwriting makes it doubly perfecy

Never once have I feel a moments hesitation about this decision. I have felt nothing but peace. And believe me, I do not have peace when I'm doing something the Holy Spirit has told me He doesn't want me to do.  I've told so many people over the past week how this is something I'm "never" going to grow out of. This isn't some "decision on a whim". This is something profoundly meaningful to me and I love having it to look at it. No matter what happens in my life, she will still have been my mother and she will still have loved loved loved me. How could I not want to be reminded of that every day?? It's been a week and I still look at it a dozen times a day and just smile.

I am so grateful to my friends and family who have supported me in this decision. (They may not have necessarily agreed with it, but they still loved me.) It wasn't made lightly in any way shape or form.

And I love love love my amazing mama!!!

Sleepless nights...

Missing my Mama more than I can stand...

As much as I want to sleep, I dread the thought of laying in bed and not being able to stop thinking about her. (so it makes perfect sense that I would sit on the couch and write about her :/ )

"Getting to the Other Side"

For many months now I have felt that on any given day (heck, any given moment) I'm being submerged in 2 completely separate "furnaces" simultaneously. There have been some very dark moments, days and weeks. I've been so overwhelmed about life and so indifferent to life all at the same time. Really, there have been too many emotions, feelings, thoughts to even keep track of.

I know that I am not alone in this. Life is hard for everyone at some point. It just so happens that right now is the hardest time in my life and I've been feeling like there is no way out. I take that back. I know that there will be an end to it, I've just been wondering if I'm going to be able to survive it.

*** Enter God's grace and love ***

Our church had been advertising the "Fresh Grounded Faith" women's conference with Jennifer Rothschild and Kathy Trocolli for quite a while. I had wanted to go, but because of other things decided it wasn't the best idea. However, a couple weeks ago a sweet friend insisted I attend and told me I had a place to stay too :) After talking with Danny, he also insisted I go. It had been one of the roughest weeks to date and as always God's timing was impeccable.

So Friday night and Saturday morning I (along with a thousand other women) go to hear Jennifer talk about "Steps to getting to the other side (of whatever hardship you are in)". It was exactly the message I needed to hear at exactly the right time. God had readied my heart and my mind to speak His words of love and instruction to me. The passage she was teaching from was Mark 4:35-5:1. You may not be interested in all the steps, but I'm sharing anyway because someone else might need to hear this message also.

1. Accept Jesus Invitation (v. 35)

He asked the disciples to go to the other side of the sea. He always initiates the spiritual change in our lives. We may think we are doing it, but it's Him who actually is. He has always been the pursuer and He always will be. He doesn't "send us" to the other side. He wants to go with us.

2. Leave the Crowd Behind (v.36)

Our "crowd" of anger, bitterness, busyness, drama, victim mentality, fear, bad habits, insecurity, negative attitudes, perfectionism, etc... manipulates our hearts and our mind. It is the personification of faulty thinking.  We were asked that if we had friends like these would we really stay their friend? So why do we keep them so close to us? She encouraged us to trust God more than our feelings.

3. Journey With Others (v.36)

Jesus didn't tell His disciples to go alone and He doesn't want us to go alone either.

4. "Take Jesus As He Is" (v.36)

We were asked to look at our lives an ask if we have created a God who fits our own needs and desires. We need to be willing to embrace Him for everything He is. One of the best quotes of the weekend was "Jesus isn't 'I feel', 'I wish', or 'I think'...He is I AM"
We may not want the God that He is, but we need him to be the God that He is.
And when we question why God hasn't changed a circumstance in our life, this was what Jennifer told us (and I loved this!!) "Even though he could do something about it, His authority has not deemed it the best thing for you."

5. "Expect Storms" (v.37) 

We should never be surprised that storms hit our life. It's a part of being alive on this sin cursed world. Sometimes the only way to get to the other side is to encounter a storm. This goes along with the theme of my blog...she said "sometimes He uses the rain from the storm to cleanse us and uses the wind from the storm to propel us forward." When the storm comes, it's only because He knows you need to be cleansed and carried forward. This was another key statement (that our pastor actually touched on today)..."sometimes we try to take ourselves to the other side - but we need to let Him carry us".
In the story the disciples asked Jesus "do you not care?" She talked about how that question is very different from "do you care?". The first one is an accusation, the second is just a question. And I know how very guilty I am of being accusatory. And from reading this story we can see very clearly that He cares, because he was IN THE BOAT WITH THEM!! Just like He is with us.

6. "Look for Jesus" (v.38)

In the original Greek the word compassion was "com" = together with  "pati" = to suffer.

7. "Have the Right Kind of Fear" (v.39-41)

Jesus could have rebuked the men for being afraid, but he didn't. Instead He rebuked the waves!! (loved that part too)

There are 2 kinds of fear in any storm we go through:

1. Natural panic (it's appropriate, we are human)
2. A reverence and awe of who God is. (that is the right kind of fear to have)

When we have the right kind of fear, the other kind doesn't seem so important,
Another of my favorite snippets was "we can have fear and faith at the same time". That really released me from a lot of guilt I think. And that even though He may not calm the storm that you are in, He will calm your heart during it.

Then she went ahead to Mark 5:1 when we see that the disciples made it safely to the other side.:):) I love that the Word of God finishes the story. It's such an encouragement to me.

I had never seen Kathy Trocolli before and even though I may not have enjoyed her music style very much, I loved her testimony and her message. Probably my VERY favorite thing all weekend was something she said very early on Friday night:

"Sometimes we don't want to go through the 'passion' to get to the 'Resurrection' "

I am always in such a hurry and I don't want to go through the suffering to get to the glory that's in store for me.

After the conference I went to lunch with some sweet friends and it was just a continuation of the conference. We shared our struggles, our victories, our tears and lots of laughter. It was a wonderful time to see how God has worked in each others lives. And to lighten our loads just a little bit by letting each other carry some of the burden. I've grown to love women so deeply in the last few years. I am so glad that God made me a woman (even with all the stuff that goes along with it)

I thought my "high" was over...but Sunday was coming.

This morning's service was one of the best services I have ever been a part of. I'm sure my own willing heart had something to do with it, but I was really so drawn in to worship in a way I haven't been in a long time. The sermon, while not entirely related to my struggles, still encouraged, strengthened and challenged me deeply. I am so grateful to have a pastor who cares about God's people and is willing to follow the Spirit's prompting and change things up as needed. He asked if there were people who needed to take that step of faith to trust God and I could feel what Kathy Trocolli had called "the holy twist" in my gut. I knew that it was me God was talking to. I'm still scared, but like we learned this weekend...it's ok to have that fear and have faith at the same time.


So as I'm continuing on my journey "to the other side" I am thankful for my husband, family and friends who have come along side me, but more than anything I am thankful for a Father who truly has pursued me my entire life and that He wants to go with me and carry me through this storm. My prayer is that I will let Him and stop trying to do everything myself.

Dear Mama,

Dear Mama,

Let me start off by saying that I am well aware that I should be talking to my heavenly Father right now and not to you. Perhaps it’s guilt that I’m not. More than anything though I think it’s just because I so desperately miss talking to you and hearing your voice and your wisdom. While I may not get to hear your response, for some reason I still need to “talk to you” tonight.

The tears have just come in a flood…

 I miss you so much Marmie!!! So much I can barely breathe. I’m ashamed to say that sometimes I can’t even remember your voice. How is that possible? It hasn’t really been that long! I hate that you aren’t here. I hate it so much I can hardly stand it. I am so angry. So very angry. My heart is still so broken that I wonder if it is ever going to mend. (there I go being melodramatic again ;) ) I want to hug you for all the times that I didn’t hug you because I’m not a hugger. I wish I could go back and spend those last few weeks sitting at your side 24 hours a day. I know that other people needed time with you and I am glad they got that opportunity, but in my own selfish way I wish that I had still been there. Of course, back then I was so overwhelmed and didn’t know how to deal so I withdrew like I still do much too often.

There is so much I want to just spill out to someone. The problem is I want that person to be you. I know I have Danny…and Mandi, Mandy, Cindy, Kristin and others, but I want it to be you!!!! I am struggling so hard right now with addictions, with secret sins, with depression, with spiritual attacks and convictions and it’s all seeming to come to a head. You are the one person who I could verbally open up to about my real inner weaknesses and it hurts so bad that I can’t!!! I have tried to be comforted in the fact that I’m going to see you again in Heaven, but I’ll be honest…yes, it makes me happy, but it’s not a complete comfort. In Heaven you aren’t going to be my Mama. This is a relationship we are never going to have again and that may break my heart more than anything else. I’m not sure if it’s wrong for me to feel that way, but it’s how I’m feeling and I want you to know.

In the midst of my turmoil and depression there are exciting things happening. I have no doubt that you are aware of them, but I still wish you could be here to celebrate with me. My first missions trip mom!!!  It makes me so happy (and scared all at the same time) You are the first person I wanted to call and the one person I couldn’t. I so with we could be sharing all of this together. You would be so proud of dad though…he’s been such a support to me in this (which I believe you are aware of too J )

I want to talk to you about Ansley and Zach…tell you how they are changing. If I’m totally honest, I wish you could be here to see how much they are changing. I gotta tell you though…Ansley has not forgotten you. Not by a long shot. I believe that God is going to keep your memory alive in her heart. I really do.  I’ve made her an album of pictures of just you and her so that she will have something to keep with her always. And as for Zach…I don’t know how it’s possible, but he talks about you all the time too. One day we got to your house and his first question was “is Mimi here?” It really floored me. Literally, no exaggeration. I was stunned. I don’t know how he remembers. Perhaps God is going to give him the gift of your memory (small as it might be) also.

In my head I know that God’s plan is best and that this was the path He chose for all of us, but mama in my heart I’m really struggling with it. I know your response already so I guess in a way I can still hear your response to me. Maybe I am more angry with Him than I have realized. I’ve been trying to claim what I know to be true…and just praying that my heart will catch up. It just hasn’t happened yet.

I don’t know if you would approve of this or not, but I’m doing it anyway; ) I’m getting a tattoo to remember you by J You know how we always said “I love love love you”. Well, I’m having that tattooed on my left wrist in your handwriting so that I can look down at it whenever I want and have that visual reminder of you and your amazing and unselfish love for me.  Speaking of…I don’t know how you were “you” with me. You were so unselfish and giving and loving. I just can’t seem to reproduce this with Ansley and Zach!!! I feel like such a failure most of the time. I don’t think I’m necessarily comparing myself to you because I know you weren’t perfect, but you were such a good example and I miss it so terribly.

More tears are flowing as I think of our memories together. Most of the time I try to block them out because, well, that’s what I do. It’s what I’ve always done. Hopefully someday I will really be able to let them flow and just relive them. Maybe it will be like making new memories all over again.

Now that I think about it, I did relive a memory of ours recently. I was thinking about the last time we were in the car together. It was the date that the doctor told us it was time to go home, call hospice and finish your time on Earth. We were driving on 95 and I reached over, took your hand and we just held hands and cried. I pray that memory never fades even the littlest bit.

I was also recently thinking about when the funeral home came to get you and how hard it was for them to take you out of the house. How I stopped them a couple times just so I could look at you and kiss you a few more times. What I wouldn’t give to kiss you now…

I wish I could write a letter that lasted forever so that I would never have to stop this “communication”. The thought of even ending this letter breaks my heart to pieces. I thought I knew heartbreak. You thought you saw my biggest heartbreak, but woman…you ain’t seen nothing. I didn’t know the pain could be this intense. I’ve said a couple times that I could literally feel the physical pain of heartache…but pain doesn’t even begin to describe what I feel a lot of the time.

I know you are enjoying yourself in ways you never dreamed possible and I’m so happy that you are. I truly can’t wait to join you there. Even if you won’t be my “mama” you will still be my “sister” and I guess I can settle for that.

I love love love you,

Brittany Lynn

Added: As I was finishing writing this letter...this song came on. I thought it was appropriate since it was one of your favorites :) And maybe not a response from you, but a response from my Father :)

Moms and Daughters

A few months ago I was in the car driving and I happened to see a mother and daughter in the car together. I know who they are and I knew what they were doing. They were just spending the day running errands together. Seeing that simple picture sent my head spinning. I was so overwhelmed with sadness that I was never going to get to just run errands in the car again with my mom ever again. I began to cry and then I remembered the last time we were in the car together. It was the day her oncologist told her that it was time to stop treatment, call Hospice and enjoy our time together. We were driving home, neither of us saying a word. I remember reaching over and taking her hand and just holding hands the rest of the way. It will be one of those moments I never forget. Thinking about that made me even more upset of course.

Fast foward to a couple of weeks ago. I was running errands AGAIN and I saw this same mom and daughter AGAIN, doing the same thing. While there was a pang of sadness of course, the overwhelming emotion I felt was bitterness. Not bitterness towards them, just at the situation. I say "bitterness" because it's the best word I can think of, although I don't think it's 100% accurate. I hadn't realized the unhappy feelings brought on by seeing moms and daughters together. I know it's totally unfair and so un Christ-like to have those feelings, but that's what I'm dealing with right now.

I shared this with my dad and he said he totally gets it. He's been in a pretty bad place lately. It seems like it's just getting worse for him. I wish there was something I could do. I've nagged him to the point that he is finally going back to church thankfully. I just can't imagine how lonely he must feel day after day. It truly does break my heart. I don't let myself think about it very often, perhaps I should though.

Most days it still feels like it's not a reality. The only time it does feel real is Sunday's when my dad comes over alone. It's still hard to see him walk in the door alone. I'm wondering how long it will take to "feel real" on a day to day basis.

More Refining

I know that the refining process is supposed to be a good thing and it is supposed to produce something good, but darnit...I'm tired of it.

It's been quite a while since I've written. Things seemed to be going along pretty well until WHAM! I was blindsided by something that even though a part of me knew it would happen, another part of me thought it could never happen. And wouldn't you know, it coincided right with the 1 year anniversary of my mama's home-going. I also lost one of the most special ladies in my life during those few days also. At one point I was just wondering what was going to happen next...talk about overwhelmed.

I wish I could just take my emotions for what they are and not try to always be analyzing them and trying to figure out every single minute detail. There are days when I'm happy, days I'm not so happy and days when I have no idea what I am thinking or feeling. I don't consiously feel stressed, but my body tells me that I am.

Today is one of those days that I mentioned before...a day where I don't know what I'm feeling. So it probably wasn't the best day to blog because I'm just not sure what to say. All I know for sure at this very minute is that God is faithful and He is going to walk me through this process, just as He has been walking, carrying me through the grieving process. I am thankful for that. Right now that has to be enough.

Flashbacks

It's amazing how the most random things can trigger memories that bring searing pain in an instant. Or how seemingly nothing at all can happen and yet memories just jump into my mind at all hours of the day.

This has been happening a lot the last month or so.

I guess it probably started around my birthday. I have so many memories of birthdays spent with my "birthday twin" and particularly our last one. They are bittersweet memories because it was precious time and we knew we were never going to get to celebrate together again.

Since then however, it has become more random and much more frequent. A song, a smell, a Scripture passage, or as I said - nothing at all and I feel as if I'm reliving Late Summer/Early Fall of last year. I can see her exactly how she was: skinny, bruised and bald. Maybe at some point that isn't how I will "remember" her looking, but right now it is. Funny thing is, she only looked like that for 3 months out of her entire battle. I guess it was enough to make a lasting impression though. We listened to so much music and read so many passaged of God's Word that it seems like everything reminds me of those last 5 weeks. I can still hear the oxygen machine. I can still smell her protein drink. I can still see the pain in her face. I can still remember the fight in my own heart of wanting to keep her here, but wanting her to go even more.

I'm guessing the next couple of months will get worse where this is concerned. As "dates" start to mean more and more. The date of her last scans. The date the doctor told us there was nothing more to be done. The date the hospice nurse told us it wouldn't be more than a week. And of course the date where we said goodbye to her. Even the date of her Memorial Service, because it was such a beautiful day...in more ways than one.

My dad said it's been happening to him some too.

I have to be honest and say I like the memories. As sad a time as it was, it was still precious and holy time and I would relive it a thousand times. I like when I can just let myself fall totally back into that time for a little while and soak it in. I know these memories will fade with time, so I want to keep them alive as long as I can.

Today I got one of the biggest triggers I've had yet...

My Aunt Kay, who is one of my mom's dearest friends has been battling Parkinsons for a very long time. I knew that the medication wasn't working anymore and she was going to be having brain surgery. This morning when I woke up there was a voicemail from her. She had broken her hip and was at a rehab center. Her message was kind of confusing, but I knew instantly that I needed to see her. I was able to spend some wonderful time with her today talking and catching up. It was really like talking to my mom because they were so likeminded. I was so humbled by this woman who was in extreme pain while dealing with such a horrible disease and quoting Scripture to me in the midst of it. It was a beautiful thing.

There were just so many simliarities to her condition now and how my mom was. I couldn't help but think about it all over again. It broke my heart seeing her like she was, but I know God is using her in the lives of so many people.

I love getting to talk to my moms friends about her. It's so fun to get to talk to people who knew her just as well as I did. And I still love that so many people loved her. And that so many people still miss her so much.

Ups and Downs from the Book of Job

I couldn’t sleep tonight so I figured it would be a good time to catch up on some of my Bible Reading Plan. “Just so happens” I’m starting Job. :) As I was reading, certain verses began to jump out at me. I have so many friends suffering or going through trials right now so I figured I should start jotting it down. It turned into this. I apologize for the length.

Most of us know Job’s reputation, but in his honesty before God there were still questions and I hope this can be an encouragement to so many of you right now. This book has been such a source of comfort to me in the last year.

Just in case you don’t know how the story starts – basically, Job loses everything except his life and he immediately says these beautiful words in Job 1:21, “The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” (we know that verse and we love it right?!)

However, in Job 3:24-26 he says, “For sighing comes to me instead of food; my groans pour out like water. What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me. I have no peace, no quietness; I have no rest, but only turmoil.” (I’d say those are pretty normal thoughts for someone facing a tough situation. I know I’ve been there in the last year. But somehow, knowing that someone like Job had those thoughts makes it easier to handle.)

Now Job’s “friends” enter the picture…their motives are right, but the way they go about it just isn’t exactly beneficial. However, one of his friends does give Job some encouragement:

In Job 8:21-22 Bildad says, “He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips will shout with joy.” (in the deepest part of our hearts I think we KNOW that this will happen again, there are just times that it seems like we will never get there. And I’m just praying that we will all take some comfort in the fact that we are fallible humans and we aren’t going to have the perfect thoughts and attitudes all of the time – that’s what grace is all about!)

Job then responds to Bildad and IF I’m looking at this in the right context it was a new way for me to look at it. In Job 9:32-33 he says, “He (God) is not a man like me that I might answer him, that we might confront each other in court. If only there were someone to arbitrate between us, to lay his hand upon us both.” (PRAISE JESUS, those of us believers who live this side of Calvary DO have that person…we have Christ’s own Sprit inside of us!!! We no longer have any block between us and the Creator Himself.)

We don’t often quote verses like Job 10:1 that says, “I loathe my very life, therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul.” (not very encouraging on the surface, but if you think about it – it is so encouraging!!! We have a Father who WANTS to hear our complaints. He wants us to be completely and totally honest with Him. We can say things to Him that we would never dream of telling another human being about the situation we have found ourselves. I know I’ve done it! So go to Him! Tell Him! Cry to Him! Complain to Him! He knows your heart anyway….He just wants you to trust Him enough to be open at His throne of grace. On the flip side, I do want to caution you against cursing God – that is never appropriate)

After quite a bit of accusations from his friends that sin had caused this suffering and quite a bit of Job asking his friends why they keep being so cruel, we get to these beautiful words in Job 19:25-27, “I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes – I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me! (What a great time to look forward to right??? So when “friends” or the “enemy”  - sometimes one in the same unfortunately – try to make you feel that you did something to cause this trial you can take heart in the words of Job 12:13, “To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his”. Or in Job 28:20-21,23-24 where he says, “Where then does wisdom come from? Where does understanding dwell? It is hidden from the eyes of every living thing, concealed even from the birds of the air…God understands the way to it and he alone knows where it dwells, for he views the ends of the earth and sees everything under the heavens.”

Such beautiful words above to something as heartbreaking as this from Job 30:20, “I cry out to you, O God, but you do not answer, I stand up, but you merely look at me.”  (sound familiar to anyone else??)

After some much more pointed questioning by his friends, God steps in and asks Job some of His own questions. Questions like “Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundations? Tell me if you understand.” (Job 38:4) The point of all these questions was to prove to Job that He was in fact in control. Yes, Job did a lot of questioning. Yes, we do a lot of questioning. There will be times for that. God knows that. Yes, He wants us to trust Him at all times, but He does also understand our humanness!! There will be times we just don’t understand. Heck, we “can’t” understand. We weren’t there when the earth’s foundation was laid so of course we can’t!! But in one breath we tell God we don’t understand, in the next breath ask Him to help our unbelief and He will!

When Job responds to the LORD in Job 42:2, he says, “I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Sometimes, unfortunately it takes tragedy for us to truly see God for who He is. I pray that we will all continue to see that as we face the path He has set for us. I’m not trying to preach at anyone because God know I am still dealing with these issues myself.

And just because I spent this time in Job, I want to share one of my favorite passages from this book JJ

After all, he’s famous for great and unexpected acts; there’s no end to his surprises...True, he wounds, but he also dresses the wound; the same hand that hurts you, heals you. From one disaster after another he delivers you; no matter what the calamity, the evil can’t touch you.

Job 5:9, 18-19 (The Message)

"Lighter"

"God is soooo good. He's so good." - Those are the words I will always think of when I think of my mom's last few days. She didn't say many coherent things and sometimes even these sentences weren't very coherent, but this was her lasting message...to me at least.

And He is good. Sooooo good.

His timing is perfect and for about 6 months now I've been trying to hurry up this grieving thing. It just hasn't gone how I thought it would or in the timeframe I had in mind. I've been asking for the ability to really cry and release all those feelings inside. This is one of those times I've had to really wait for a "yes" answer. But thankfully, He has finally given me that answer I so desperately wanted.

I've done a lot of crying in the past couple of weeks. A lot of genuine, loud and overdue crying. I've even done it in front of Danny!! It took every ounce of strength I had not to run from the room as the tears started, but God held me down on that couch so that I could be vulnerable and real in front of my husband. And I am so glad I was. He needs to know what is going on inside me and thankfully now I can at least release it in tears. I was able to do some talking too though :)

At GriefShare on Sunday night someone shared a little quote they had heard, which led to someone talking about a song that went along with the quote, which led to the song being played. I was out of there as fast as I could possibly get because I knew that the emotion was on it's way to the surface. Thankfully I got home to an empty house which gave me some time to spend talking and crying out to my Father. The quote and the song that had been talked about mentioned hearing the persons voice for the last time. I got to thinking that it had been a while since I'd heard her voice so I came to the computer and began to listen to some of her recordings. As I listened I began to sob. And then that block that had been in my spirit was simply gone and I could finally literally cry out to God. I told Him everything that was feeling and I actually asked Him "why". I didn't think that I was feeling that, but apparently I was because I wasn't thinking about what I was saying to Him...I was just talking. At one point I asked Him to tell her that I loved her. Instantly I felt this calm around me as if He was saying, "you go ahead and tell her, she can hear you." So I did. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I've been encouraged to talk to her in the past but it just felt too weird to do. But again, I wasn't "thinking" this time, I was just doing and it just felt like the right thing to do. Whether she did actually hear me or not, I have no idea, but it was nice to just say it. (however, sitting here typing I have no desire to start talking to her - I guess it's about listening to the Spirit as He guides)

I'm just lighter. So much of that pressure that has been building for the past 6 months is gone. I'm sure there is more to come and I really am so glad that He is allowing me to experience what I've been longing to experience. I'm sure it sounds weird to think that someone is longing to cry and bawl like a baby, but it's what I've been longing for.

"God is soooo good. He's so good."

Being thankful

Last night in GriefShare the session was about "Why?". Honestly, that's not a question I've asked a whole lot in regards to myself. I've wondered why He would take her away from Ansley and Zach, but I can see reasons why He would have taken her from me. It's comforting to kind of have some answers to the "why's".  Not all of them of course, but at least in regards to me. Maybe God will be gracious and let me get to see the answers to some of the the "why's" about Ansley and Zach too.

But then we got to talking about being thankful and how it's hard to be sad when you are concentrating on being grateful, honestly I didn't think much about it last night. Just now though as I was doing my Bible Study and reading some Grief Share emails the Holy Spirit put a thought into my head. I AM thankful that it happened when it did. Yes, I would have preferred it be when I'm 60 something years old like it "normally" does, but I am very glad it didn't happen 5 years ago, or 10 years ago, or when I was a young girl. I won't pressume to know how I would have reacted, but I have a pretty good feeling that I would not have reacted the way I have at this point in my walk with God. I think it probably would have driven me farther from God than I was at those times. 5 years ago God had gotten ahold of me and I had turned back to Him. I was still in such a fragil state and not getting a lot of encouragement from anyone around me. That would have been such a bad time to lose her because God used her so much in these last 5 years to encourage, lead and help me. I'm really glad it didn't happen 10 years ago because I was so far away from God at that point that I may have never turned back to Him. I'm also glad it didn't happen 5 years from now (or more), when Ansley and Zach would have been more severely affected by her loss. I don't think it's going to affect Zach at all, but I do think it's already affecting Ansley. She is asking questions and making comments that just throw me for a loop at how she is thinking about these kinds of things. I guess what I'm trying to say is that if she had to die, He picked the perfect time. I know, big shock right? :) I have to say, thinking that way makes me feel just a little bit lighter.

This weekend was my first scrapping trip without her and thankfully it went just about how I wanted. As I was packing up the car by myself and riding down on Thursday I was feeling extremely lonely and sad. And just out of sorts. When I got there and started setting my stuff up it just felt weird. When Diana came and hugged me so tight I started to cry just a little bit and then that was it. I had a fantastic weekend and accomplished something (The Ropes Course) that I really didn't think I was going to be able to do from down on the ground. It sounds kinda silly, but I kept thinking about my mom and how much she would like to have seen me do this and I just set my mind on finishing it...and I did, and it was a blast :):)!! Oh and I kicked butt at it too if I do say so myself ;)

I worked on a small album of the family pictures we took in August. That did put me in a bit of a mood. I just turned my music up and didn't talk to anyone while I worked on it. I finished it about 3am on Sunday morning :) All in all, it was a good first trip without her. I wanted to miss her and I did, but I wasn't miserable and I had a lot of fun!

When I got home yesterday I showed Ansley the album of those pictures. I'm not sure if it confused her or what because a few minutes later she asked if Mimi was at home with Poppy and her hair was growing again. It kinda shocked me and it took me a few seconds to remind her that Mimi was in Heaven at home with Jesus. Then she said the most heartbreaking thing. She said, "but Poppy wants her to be home with him". Once again, I just didnt' know what to say. So I told her that I wanted her here too, but that God knows what is best and He decided it was time for her to be with Him in Heaven. She seemed satisfied enough with that answer, but she is definitely starting to be more curious.

One thing that was said last night is that maybe sometimes God allows the suffering of our loved ones to help us let go. I think that is so true. You are so much more ready to see them leave because you know it means no more suffering for them. As hard as it is to watch, maybe it does make the letting go easier.

There were so many things from last nights session that were just fantastic. I am so glad to be a part of this group!

I'm also thankful for all the new lessons I'm learning through this. These to me are some of the "why" answers. I'm just learning and experiencing things I never would have gotten to experience without going through this trial. Like I was reading tonight for BSF: "...for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all." (2 Corinthins 4:17)

Thank you God for never wasting anything about our life experiences!

We are beginning to have to make some important decisions about Ansley's education. Well, we don't have to make the decision right now, but the time is getting closer. On one hand I would really like to talk to my mom and get her opinion on things and seek her wisdom. But on the other hand there is this relief of pressure (for lack of a better term) that she will approve of our decisions. I've said before how I used her as my human Holy Spirit. This was never a role that I don't think she even realized I had given her. Well, it's some how freeing to know that I don't need her approval anymore. I think to a certain extent we all seek the approval of our parents and that's not wrong in itself. I just know that in my case if she said it was ok than I took that as the Lord saying "yes" to me. Maybe "it" was "ok", but it still doesn't mean it was His plan for me.

Maybe at times it will be harder because I will never know if I would have had her approval on certain things. It's just so strange to me how I can miss something so much (my mom) and at the same time be kinda glad that I don't need it (her approval) anymore. Not sure if this makes sense to anyone else. I shared it with my dad and my Aunt Margaret and they seemed to get it :) I think a lot of us looked to my mom for her approval on things - maybe not even intentionally. I'm sure we are all learning to lean on the Father more than ever before.

I was talking to my BSF leader today and realized something else. When I heard about ILC about a year ago I was so excited because I knew that God had answered a pray of mine...just in His way, not mine :) Well, I love how He can answer the prayers of His people and at the same time lead them to a place where they are going to be ministered to in a way they never would have otherwise. God has put 2 specific women in my life this year who have both lost their mothers and God has used them in very specific ways to encourage me and help me along this journey. Cami is in my discussion group at BSF and Kristin is one of the teachers I help at ILC. I just think it's the coolest thing that I thought God was answering a longtime prayer for me at the same time He was answering an unknown prayer of mine because I didn't know that I was going to need these women. I'm just continually amazed at how cool He is and how He works out all the little details. It's this kind of love and "attention to detail" that just proves His existence.

A couple weeks ago I had my first dream about my mom. I don't remember if the dream was good or bad. What I do remember is being woken up suddenly by Ansley...right in the middle of my dream. I was so upset I couldn't even stand it. I know she didn't mean anything by it - she was just doing her normal morning thing, but I felt myself being angry at her because she had taken me away from my mom. I spent most of that day in a real funk. I had another dream a few nights later and while I don't remember the details (I never do), I do know that it was a good dream and I got to finish it this time!!! :):) God is good in so many ways.

This weekend (starting tomorrow)...well, I'm not even sure what to say. I'm wondering if it's one of those things that I'm setting myself up for this huge emotional time and it's going to end up being nothing. It's our annual Scrapbooking Retreat and this is the first time I'll be going scrapbooking without my mom. Now, normally on most trips she would just annoy me to death because she would always lose her tools or she would NEVER make a decison (can't help but smile at that) or she would just wander around aimlessly. I would normally get annoyed and we would have some kind of tif. Well last year I knew that barring a miracle it was going to be our last trip so I prayed that God would give us a great time together. And HE DID!!! We had beautiful weather the entire time, we sat outside on the big wrap around porch in rocking chairs and talked and cried together. We never fought once and I never even got the slightest bit annoyed! We had the funniest times together at night sleeping on couches in the common room because her sister snored so loud. We would giggle together and wrap up in blankets and head to the leather couches. It was just the most wonderful time. This time however, I have to drive down alone and I won't have my mom sitting next to me or sleeping next to me. Yes, I will have my friends and my aunts...but it's not going to be the same. I was telling Jenny today, "I want to miss her in a happy way". I want to feel an ache, feel that something is missing, but at the same time I want to have some fun, relax and be productive. I'm just not sure where that balance is. It's just still so hard to believe she's gone....pretty sure I'm going to be saying that for a very long time :(

"All My Praise"

So it’s been quite a while since I last took some time to write. I’ve wanted to many times, but it was just too much work somehow to put my thoughts to paper (or screen) J God has been working on so many themes in my life the last few weeks. The main one being that to put it simply, I just need to praise Him more. One Sunday morning while reading my devotional I read this:

It is impossible to praise or thank me too much. As it is written, I inhabit the praises of my people. Sometimes your adoration is a spontaneous overflow of joy, in response to radiant beauty or rich blessings. At other times your praise is more disciplined and measured – an act of your will. I dwell equally in both types of praise.

And then that day in the service our worship pastor sang a song that just reaffirmed the message I had been given that morning. It was pretty great. It was about that time I began to realize how much I had fallen into that “self centered” trap. I had been so focused on how I hadn’t done and reacted how I wish I had that I hadn’t taken any time to thank God for how He had in fact been carrying me. I may have been fighting it, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that He was still doing it. I just began to think Him for that and it was amazing how quickly my attitude began to change.

The theme of praising Him during this time has continued since then. It is so comforting to know that He is right there, gently and lovingly speaking to me and singing over me. Yes, I’m still not totally happy with Him in this area of my life and haven’t exactly figured out what emotion it is – but I still feel so overwhelmingly loved by Him. That doesn’t even make sense in my brain how I could have such conflicting emotions, but I guess that is what grief is about.  

I started GriefShare a few weeks ago also. It isn’t exactly how I thought it would be, but I do really enjoy getting to talk about my mom to people who didn’t know her. It makes it feel that she is still alive or something. I enjoy getting to hear what the others have to say and to just know that I’m not crazy for how I’m feeling. The main rule is to never compare your grief to anyone else’s but that’s hard for me. A lot of these people have lost multiple people, spouses and children and it makes me feel guilty somehow. The homework has been good because it asks questions I don’t think I would have thought to ask…at least not this early. I’m excited about continuing it. My dad is doing it at his church also. He isn’t liking it quite as much as I am, but I’m hoping he will continue to go and be open to how it can help him.

I feel so guilty because I am just not being what my dad needs. He wants to talk about how he is feeling and I’m just being so selfish and not doing that very much. He’s in such a bad place and I want to be there for him, it’s just so hard to talk about it to him! I don’t even know why.  I’ve been praying that God would give me the strength to get out of my comfort zone and just do what he needs.

I started writing this on Friday night while waiting for David Platt to speak at the Pastor’s Conference. Once again, it was good timing. As we were singing before the sermon there was a song that talked about joy. I can’t remember the name of the song, but I do remember at that moment saying a quick prayer asking God to give me back that joy that I was experiencing up until her death. Then…what were some of the first words out of David Platt’s mouth??? “Do you need joy in the middle of your circumstances?” (or something to that effect. ) Tears just welled up in my eyes because ONCE AGAIN Jesus was just proving to me that He is right here with me, comforting me and loving me. It was very cool!

Now it is Monday night…I’ve just read the first book in a 4 book series on grief that someone let me borrow. I figured…I just need to get out all of these things that I’ve been thinking, feeling, experiencing. The last couple of days I’ve just not been able to stop thinking about my mom. I’m not even sure if it’s sadness that I’m feeling. I guess it is, but it doesn’t totally feel like that. I just keep thinking about her and all kinds of random things. I like thinking about her, but I also don’t like it.

 Last week Ansley and I were talking and she asked me if Mimi had hair now. She just melted my heart with that one. I was able to tell her that yes she does! It was another chance to plant a seed also. It’s just one more way how God can take something “bad” and use it for good. We would probably not have had these kinds of personal conversations about heaven and eternity at this point in her life if this hadn’t happened. Just very cool to think that her death could be something that God uses to draw Ansley to Himself.

A couple of weeks ago I finished C.S. Lewis’s book, “A Grief Observed”. It was fantastic! It is normally very hard for me to read his writing, but this book was so different! I never knew that his wife had died, I actually never knew that he had even been married. I know it’s not right to compare ourselves to other humans, but numerous times I felt myself thinking, “well if he felt this way than it’s ok that I feel this way” J This was just one of the excerpts I have highlighted in the book, but it’s probably one of my favorites:

‘It was too perfect to last’, so I am tempted to say of our marriage. But can be meant in two ways. It may be grimly pessimistic- as if God no sooner saw two of His creatures happy than He stopped it (‘None of that here!’). As if He were like the Hostess at a sherry-party who separates two guests the moment they show signs of having got into a real conversation. But it could also mean ‘This had reached its proper perfections. This had become what it has in it to be. Therefore of course it would not be prolonged.’ As if God said, ‘Good, you have mastered that exercise. I am very pleased with it. And now you are ready to go on to the next.’ When you have learned to do quadratics and enjoy doing them you will not be set them much longer. The teacher moves you on.

Good stuff!!!!

I’m trying not to spend all my time reading grief related things. I’m kinda spacing it out some, little doses I guess.

Something that was harder than I thought it was going to be… I deleted her FaceBook account today. It was really really hard to hit that deactivate button.  I guess somehow it was just one more access point I had with her that is now gone. I still haven’t deleted her name out of my phone. Not sure I’ll ever be able to do that. Also today I was entering all our receipts for last year for our taxes. I started in January and it was like I was taking the journey of 2011 all over again. There were receipts from our trip to see the specialist in Charlotte. Receipts from our family trip to New Jersey. Receipts from getting lunch at her first chemo. Receipts from the hospital when she broke her collar bone in July. Receipts from the day of our last ever Birthday celebration. Receipts from all the fast food I ate while staying at their house the last month of her life. It was very heavy, for lack of a better term. All the memories came back and this time I didn’t try to squash them. I purposely relived them. Some good memories, some bad…but somehow they all feel bad, or I guess just sad. It definitely has put me in somewhat of a funk though. Hard to shake it. I guess this is just going to be a down time for me right now.

I think that’s about all I can stand to write. Now I will try to treat my grief with some Oreos and milk J

Good timing

God is so faithful...even when I'm being such a "poopyhead" as Ansley would say.

I've been so back and forth lately. I've not run "away" from Him, I'm just definitely not running "to" Him. I want to so badly - I'm just not. Once again there is still this internal fight and it's just one more thing I'm totally confused about. I've really felt the last few days as if I'm in a black hole or something. Christmas wasn't so bad, but for some reason New Years was. I've tried hard to figure out why and I think because somehow it's an ending. I know it's just an ending to the year, but I guess there is a part of me that thinks that maybe other people will look at me and think "this happened last year, she needs to get over it." I'm sure they won't, but yes, I still care way too much what other people think of me and how I deal with things. I don't want it to be over. I don't ever want it to be over. I'm a wallower and I guess I just still feel like wallowing. Actually, not really even sure I've started wallowing yet since it still doesn't feel totally real yet. I dunno, like I said - I'm pretty confused right now.

Ok, now on to why I actually sat down to write:

In our BSF lesson this week (or past few weeks actually) we've been in Hebrews 11-13. I did Hebrews 11 before Christmas so it's chapters 12 and 13 that I've been looking at the last few days. God never fails to say something to me, the question is whether or not I'm listening. I am actually listening...even if I'm not necessarily talking back.

Ok, well in 12:3 it says: "Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

It really jumped out at me. When I really stop and meditate on what Christ endured for me  - not just for eternal life, but also for the strength to persevere (that's been a big "theme" for me lately also) I'm just pretty overwhelmed. And like I said before: I want to rely on Him every second of every day and I'm just not. And I don't understand the disconnect.

Moving to today...we had to list specific ways to put certain exhortations into practice. This one got my attention, but not until after the fact. In chapter 13 verses 5 and 6 it talks about being content. This is what I wrote as my specific ways: "Thank God for everything He has given me and don't focus on what others have that I don't". Well...once I wrote that down I realized I should be saying those things about my mom. That wasn't what I was thinking when I wrote it but I realized it could have been. I need to be thankful for all that God has given me(a husband, wonderful kids, a great family and amazing friends) and that He did give me an amazing mother for 32 years and I don't need to be concentrating on the fact that all my friends still have their moms and how jealous that makes me.

After I finished my lesson for today I just sat there...still not talking to God. Well, I kinda was I guess - but it was just a mess. I saw my mom's Bible and figured now was as good a time as any to look through it. I found some sweet things written in it and as I got to the back there was a card from me and one from my dad. Boy oh boy did reading the one from my dad bring some water works!! But the one from me I thought was just perfect timing. I won't write the whole thing out, just the end. "Because of all the ways you've cared, I know I'm a better person...I know I'm better prepared for whatever life has to offer." This was written in October of 1997 (which was a really heartbreaking year for me), but I got to thinking that her example and all that she taught me has helped prepare me for this season of life. I sure never thought that this would be happening so soon, but God did so He allowed her to be a part of the preparation and I think that's pretty cool.

Ok...I think I'll go cry some more now :)

I don't even know where to begin. Mostly because I am in a phase right now where I could not even begin to tell you what is going on in my brain. I've wanted to come and write a few times, but it was just impossible to put into words what I was thinking. Even now - I'm just kind of blank.

I've had a couple of emotional breakdowns in some odd places the last couple of weeks :(

I had a doctor's appt on the 13th (which was the 2 month anniversary). After the nurse who shouldn't be allowed to communicate with people made me feel "something" (again, not sure of the right word) and then I had to answer questions about BC history I just kind of melted down - in front of my doctor. I actually think it was a good thing because she was able to see "where I am". We are gonna try some medicine to help me through the next few months. So far it has really upset my stomach, I'm hoping that won't last long. I don't think it could have made a difference this fast, but Danny thinks I seem "better" for lack of a better word.

My 2nd breakdown was when I picked up the RX this week. The pharmacist asked if I had taken this before and I told her no. She immediately got this look of pity and said, "you'll feel better in a couple days" - and I immediately burst into tears. It's actually kind of funny if you think about it I guess. I guess we'll just see how it goes.

I've really not been looking forward to this weekend. Maybe starting the medicine when I did will be helpful especially now.

I got to thinking this morning that my mom is getting to celebrate the ultimate Christmas and that made me happy for a little bit :) I'm trying to hard to concentrate on the good things in my life - it's just really hard sometimes.