He really is a, "Good, Good Father".

Making this post has been on my mind for a while, but I never seemed to have the time to sit down and type it. Tonight seems to be the appropriate time. It's also kinda cool that when I sat down to type I noticed that it's been exactly 2 years since my last post. And that I closed out that post with the phrase I'm about to talk about. 👍

First of all, October is my most hated month. All of the really crappy things that have happened in my life have happened in October. I normally start to get sad and quiet as the month approaches. Losing Remedy last week didn't help, but I think that might be why tonight is the night I have the time to put these thoughts into words. I need to be reminded of this truth right now before I let the whole month be ruined. 

 If you read my blog all of those years ago you might remember that the last week of my mom's life she didn't say much. The only thing she repeated many times was, "God is good Brittany. He is soooo good." I'll never not hear that phrase in her voice. That phrase pretty much summed up her entire testimony and she wanted everyone to know it. He truly was so good to us all through that time. That was 2011. 

 In October 2012 I thought my life was going to fall apart again. But instead, God turned a potential tragedy into something more beautiful than it probably ever would have been. Again, God showed me how good He truly is. 💗

 In 2016 Chris Tomlin released, "Good Good Father". Pretty quickly it became very popular to make fun of the song. I think the reasoning was because of the simplicity of the lyrics. And that that, "simplicity" translated to "shallowness". Perhaps I'm wrong and there were other reasons for the teasing. The teasing annoyed me from the beginning only because hearing God described as, "good" was so special to me. 

 ***Let me say right now that up to that point I had made fun of plenty of Christian music. I had laughed at how dumb and shallow they sounded. I still fight my own judgemental attitude about a lot of Christian music.*** 

Ok, back to the topic at hand. 

God is good. You can't deny it. He is a good Father. It's who He is. (see what I did there? 😉)

Just because a word is simple doesn't mean it can't have eternal depth. ( I still have to remind myself of this when I find myself rolling my eyes because of lyrics I've just heard) 

I'm asking one thing of anyone who reads this post. The next time you hear the song, don't turn it off. Listen to it and think about a woman who couldn't say anything other than, "God is good. He is soooo good" as she was dying. I promise the lyrics won't seem as shallow. 💗

I’m no grief expert. Well, let’s be honest – I’m no expert at all, but I have experienced some grief in my life. As a child I lost grandparents, as a teenager I lost a good friend, and as a relatively new mother I lost my own mom. I’m thankful that that is the extent of my losses. I can’t comprehend losing a spouse or a child and I pray often that that never happens.

It’s been 7 years since that amazing October morning when my mom left us for her true home.  We watched God answer her last prayer (at least that we know of) - that she would not die at night in the dark. She died at the official sunrise time for October 13^th. Of course there were many tears, but there was also so much joy in that same moment. I don’t believe that anyone except believers in Jesus can experience those two seemingly opposite emotions at the same time.  

In my quiet time this morning I was reading in Psalm 66. Verse 10 says:

 “For you, O God, tested us; you refined us like silver.”

As you can see by my blog title that “the furnace” was the theme for that season of my life. It was a perfect description of what I was living through because even though it was painful I also knew that it was going to produce something wonderful. I just didn’t know how long that would take.

Psalm 66 goes on to say at the end of verse 12:

“We went through fire and water, but You brought us to a place of abundance.”

I have these verses marked in my Bible. I even have arrows that show the progression from verse 10 to verse 12, but somehow (because I’m blind so often) I never applied that to myself and my journey. So this morning it was kind of like a smack in the face. All of a sudden I thought, “well duh Brittany!!”

This grief process is so strange and so ridiculously slow. So slow in fact that you tend to not even realize you are on the other side of it. Now I’m not saying that you are never sad anymore. Or that you don’t miss that person immensely. Or that there aren’t going to be moments of acute grief. In fact, anyone who has lost someone knows that the simplest of things can trigger overwhelming sadness. But what I am saying is that there WILL come a time when you realize that God has led you from that place of chronic despair to a place of true abundance. Abundance that we know can only be found in Him. How long that takes will be different for each person so don’t let anyone dictate how long this process will take for you. This is a journey that the Lord has YOU on. Let Him guide you and I promise that there will eventually come a day where you will get a smack in the face like I did this morning. ;)

I don’t write about this much anymore and even when I was writing all the time it was because the Lord was obviously giving me thoughts that I just had to get out. That happened this morning. I hope and pray that this can give someone the energy to try to get through one more day in their grief journey.

As my mom kept saying that last week of her life, “He’s so good Brittany. He’s just so good.”

"Perhaps"...there is more??

Can't sleep.

Shocking, I know.

 Decided it's been a few years since I've read through my blog so why not?

I made it to this one and if you want to really understand what I say next you will have to read this entry. And pay close attention to the reference to the word "perhaps".

The Furnace of Affliction: "Yet for love's sake" Part 2:

Ok, if you've ever had a conversation with me since this weekend in 2011 the possibility of hearing me talk about how the word "perhaps" has kinda changed my life is pretty high. (in fact, it may need to be my next tattoo ;))

So as I'm rereading this blog entry I see something that God had apparently blinded my eyes to until this very moment.

This verse: Philemon 1:15: “For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever,”

For the past 6 years I've thought only about the word "perhaps" and how it has changed my attitide towards life in general because that was Beth emphasised also at the time, I wasn't really even noticing the rest of the words.

There are so many "perhaps [fill in the rest of the statement]" as to why mom was taken when she was. I've tried to come up with some reasons of my own and I think some of them line up spiritually and so I think they could be legitimate, but there could ("perhaps") be so many more. I know we won't really know until we get to heaven, but it kinda excites me to discover what those reasons could be. I think it also gives me some more freedom to not have to nail down reasons for myself. I know we as humans always want to know all the details of why something happened so it can be hard not to have those definites. That's why the "perhaps" word stood out to me so much when it did and still does. But in another freeing way it means that there can be all kinds of other reasons that we may actually get to see some evidence of while here on earth. I dunno, that's just cool to me.

And I'll be honest for all of you who think I'm crazy. I know there is a possibility that none of this means anything and I'm just grasping for straws, but thankfully my Father can use anything-even straw grasping.


But "perhaps" I'm not straw grasping.... :)

Out of the "Furnace"

I've just spent the last hour or so rereading this entire blog. Honestly I can't remember feeling or thinking half of what I wrote. It's amazing how that happens. It's been fun to look back and see all the little gifts that God gave me through the process. It's encouraging to see where I am compared to where I used to be.

I've been out of this particular "furnace" for a while now. Of course there are times I'm sad and of course I still miss her, but overall, I'm doing well. God, as always, "is so good". I'm thankful that at the moment I don't have a furnace to go through.

...

Instead I have watched friends that I love walk through their own furncaces. The kind that I pray I never have to walk through.

I've witnessed the epitome of fear and faith in the same instant.

I've begged God to take these people out of their furnace. I'm still begging actually.

I've sobbed, screamed and prayed like I've never done before.

I've thanked God for the healing that has already taken place.

I've asked God to heal broken hearts.

I've longed to take away their pain.

I've praised Him for the wonderous works He has performed through these furnaces, and the works I know are still to come.


These "furnaces" change people. That's the point right? Tonight I thank God for how He has changed me and how He is changing the people in my life.

And I want to encourage everyone else...

If you feel like you are in a "furnace" right now, please know that there is a purpose for it. I know it sucks. I know you don't want to be in it. But if you let Him, God will grow you into something you could never have imagined.

O LORD, you are my God;

I will exalt you and praise your name,

for in perfect faithfulness you

have done marvelous things.

Things planned long ago. 

Isaiah 25:1

"I can hear..."

At this time 3 years ago my "hero husband" was standing (or sitting) guard over my mom during her last night here on earth. It's something I will never forget and it's probably something he will never fully understand my gratitude for.

I can remember that my dad, Margaret and I were so overcome with exhaustion but didn't want to go to bed. I can remember being curled up on the couch and my whole body crawling with that feeling of I NEED SLEEP!! Danny volunteered to sit with her while we got a few hours of sleep. Cindy had told him everything he needed to look for and that he was to text her the second things started to change.

I remember being woken up, seeing his face and knowing what it meant. I immediately went out to the living room to crawl into bed with her for the final time.

We woke up my dad and Margaret, and Cindy was there by that time.

...

I can't get these memories out of my head tonight (well, this morning) no matter how hard I try. On one hand I want to so that I can sleep. But on the other hand I don't want to because it takes me back to a time when she was still here with us, even if it was just barely.

I can hear all the music:

The Getty's (which is the soundtrack of those 5 Hospice weeks as a whole)
Elvis Presley
Leslie Gore's "It's My Party" (her favorite song)
Countless hymns
"O Crimson Flow" (which I still can hardly listen to)
And of course the video for "Dance Your Shoes Off"

I can hear the oxygen machine.

I can hear the altered breathing.

I can hear the laughter.

I can hear the saddness.

I can hear the fear.

I can hear the tears coming to the surface in my own body, but not being able to release them.

I can hear her breath slowing.

I can hear God whispering to my heart, "she's with me now."

I can hear her breath stopping.

I can hear the cries of the people who loved her the most in this world.

I can hear the news that her prayers were answered: she didn't die in the dark. The sun had officially risen.

I can hear the birds singing, which was one of her favorite sounds.

I can hear my heart breaking and the tears finally flowing because I had just lost my very best friend.


...


Even though I can still hear those things (especially on nights like this), I can also imagine her with the One she loved more than anything and the One she lived her life for. And truthfully, although it's hard at times, that fact makes up for all those other things I can still hear.

I can also hear that same One urging me into His word this morning to find comfort.

"...weeping may endure for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." 

Psalm 30:5b

"Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to your name be the glory, 

because of your love and faithfulness."

Psalm 115:1

"They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away."

Isaiah 35:10

A Mother's Fingerprints

While it’s pointless to say that a mother leaves her fingerprints on your life (whether for the good or for the bad), it is still true.

The last few days I have spent either sick myself or taking care of my sick daughter. In the moments of my sickness and pain all I wanted was to have my mama here to take care of me. I’m discovering that desire is never going to go away. But in those moments where I was taking care of Ansley all I could think was, “I hope I am caring for her the same way my mom cared for me.” She loved and cared for me in a way that showed me she loved me with her whole being, while still never crossing over that line to “child-worship”. We all knew who owned the biggest piece of her heart…and it wasn’t me, or my dad. It was Jesus. That may seem strange to some people, but it’s the way it should be and I never felt slighted for it. (although the fact that I never had to share her with siblings probably helped ;) ) That is how I want to love my kids. I want them to know how unbelievably grateful I am to God for giving them to me, but I want them to grow up loving God more than anything and that won’t happen if they don’t see that from me.

We’ve done a lot of hanging around the house because of this bug and it’s given me an overabundance of time to think as Mother’s Day approached. I’ll be honest: if it wasn’t for Ansley and Zach I would just skip this day altogether. I know this day is hard for many different people for many different reasons. This is my 3^rd Mother’s Day without her, but it feels just as painful as the first. There is just a gaping hole that no one can fill. I’m not asking for pity, believe me. I sometimes feel guilty for how upset I still can get. It’s just that in some ways this day really sucks.

Ok, here’s the backstory on the whole point of this post:

A cupole or so before my mom died I was working on a house project. I was converting our office to a playroom. Normally my mom and I did these projects together, but she was just too sick by this point to help. So my dad and I did this one together while my mom slept in my bed. (that is still a picture that is seared into my brain) At one point she got out of bed, came in to check on us and for whatever reason just touched the paint to see if it was dry. I don’t think I can explain why, but her doing that was just so “her”.

Well those fingerprints on my wall became very special to me. I never had any desire to cover them up. It was her addition to our project and it was just perfect.

A couple months ago Danny started a new job where he was going to work from home. That meant the playroom needed to be converted back into an office. I’m not exaggerating when I say I sobbed when thinking about covering up my stripes and especially her fingerprints. (The whole project itself had special Spiritual significance to me - if you want to read about it you can here: http://furnaceofaffliction.blogspot.com/2011/08/parable-of-playroom.html )

Danny told me he had a plan though…and today he gave me the perfect Mother’s Day gift. (It's kinda hard to see them, but I think you'll get the idea) Danny also has a way with words, just like my mom did. 

While I am so glad that I have these fingerprints, I am even more glad to see how her fingerprints on my life have helped shape the person I am becoming. Thank you God for that woman. I can't wait to see you both. 

"I love love love you"

This is a phrase I have heard and read countless times in my life. It was how my mother usually signed any letters/cards/notes that she would write to me. I eventually began to reciprocate and it was a special saying between us. In fact it's something I've begun to do whenever I write in the kids blog.

Ok, now to the other side of the story: I've always thought tattoo's were cool, just because of the detail and how beautiful they can be and I'd thought briefly about different ones I would want, but there was never anything I thought was important enough to me to have it put on my body for the rest of my life. In the last few years of my mom's life we joked about getting pink ribbons, but that was when we thought it would be a symbol of the battle she had won.

Fast forward to the end of last year/beginning of this year - I can't remember exactly when it was. One of my closest friends, Mandy had a dream. One thing I love about Mandy is that she always shares with me any thoughts she has about my mom. I can't explain why it means so much to me, but it does. There we were, late at night, sitting in Starbucks, crying together because she had described her dream to me. The part of the dream that sparked this idea was that in the dream we were walking and my mom came to me and told me how much she missed me and how much she loved me. I'm not sure if it was an instant idea or if it came later to have this phrase tattoo'd on my wrist. Somewhere I could look down and see it at any time. I began doing some research on different artists, but more than that I began praying about it. I knew that this would a bit of a divisive subject so I only talked to a few people. I didn't need others opinions getting in my way. I try to live my life being led by the Spirit and most of the time I can hear and understand Him pretty clearly. Well, let me rephrase - I have learned very well when He says no. It's very clear and almost audible to me. I did talk to my dad about it and he thought it was a wonderful idea. I prayed and thought about it for a few months and then made the call to the artist I wanted a few months ago. In 3 different ways it put me at ease that he was who I was going with. 1. He was booked til July. That was still a couple months out. I figured he must be pretty good if that was the case. 2. I liked that it could be done right at our birthdays since that is obviously a special day for us. 3. It gave me even more time to pray about it.

So last Friday, my husband and my 2 best friends came with me as I "got my ink" :) It didn't hurt as bad as I was expecting, although it didn't exactly feel good. It took way longer to find the perfect placement than it did to do the actual tattoo. It took 6-7 minutes top. Graham (at 8th Day Tattoo) was great. So helpful and patient as we made the decision on where to put it. W. e had sent him a copy of a letter from her so that he could transfer her exact handwriting on to my arm. The fact that it is her words and her handwriting makes it doubly perfecy

Never once have I feel a moments hesitation about this decision. I have felt nothing but peace. And believe me, I do not have peace when I'm doing something the Holy Spirit has told me He doesn't want me to do.  I've told so many people over the past week how this is something I'm "never" going to grow out of. This isn't some "decision on a whim". This is something profoundly meaningful to me and I love having it to look at it. No matter what happens in my life, she will still have been my mother and she will still have loved loved loved me. How could I not want to be reminded of that every day?? It's been a week and I still look at it a dozen times a day and just smile.

I am so grateful to my friends and family who have supported me in this decision. (They may not have necessarily agreed with it, but they still loved me.) It wasn't made lightly in any way shape or form.

And I love love love my amazing mama!!!